h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You might become immune to some bacteria, but salmonella... that's nasty stuff

Well, I WAS joking about the "immunity"... but I can't explain why they have all srvived so long, knowing what and how she cooked.

I recall once when everyone was up for some family event. I decided to cook lunch and pulled out the ingrdients for macaroni and cheese (home made, NOT KD). My brother said "Let Louise cook it! She makes the BEST macaroni and cheese in the world!"

So, I let her cook it.

Imagine, if you will, a grey, gummy concoction which glommed to the pan, and your spoon, and the dish, and your teeth, and your stomache (if, indeed, you got that far....). I don't believe there was even any cheese in it. Certainly, it didn't taste like it. Warm, grey, greasy, wallpaper paste, mixed with seriously overcooked pasta sort of comes close, but I think that would actually taste better than what we were served.

We hardly touched it, which was okay with my brother who ate what we didn't, leaned back and said.... "Babe, that was great! You outdid yourself, again!"

I forgot!....

Apparently her "secret" was adding onions. She asked me if I wanted the recipe.

mmmm.... Macaroni cheeese..

(bi of paper, not macaroni cheese )

I worked in this software development place in Dublin. There was a staff of about 30. 28 blokes
and two woman. Naturally they hated each others guts. One was our project leader, think Annie
Wilkes in Misery without the ability to provide drugs. The other a mild mannered savant. Anyway
to cut a crap story short, one night after many pints after work we had dropped back to the office for
some midnight Doom, when I decided to take a visit to the ladies toilet and deposit a huge Guinness
fueled load. Then without wiping or flushing I waddled next door to the gents to clean up. Till this day
each of those is convinced the other's responsible.

Acccckkkk!

bleeeaauuuuggggghhhhh.

Not quite retail...



At this time, I was living in a rooming house and when they called, everyone was gathered off the kitchen outside mt room, having our usual Saturday morning brunch.

The phone rang, and it was a carpet cleaning company. I used to get a LOT of those cold-calls for carpet cleaning.

Usually, the calls went like this:

Them: "Hello this is Rainbow Carpet Cleaning. We will be in your area during the next few weeks. Can we arrange to clean your carpets?"

Me: Sorry, I don't need my carpets cleaned."

Them: "Well, we steam-clean furniture, as well."

Me: "No, thank you."

This time, for a change of pace, I answered a little differently.

Them: "Hello this is Rainbow Carpet Cleaning. We will be in your area during the next few weeks. Can we arrange to clean your carpets?"

Me: "Sorry, I don't have any carpets."

Them: "Well, we steam-clean furniture, as well."

Me: "I don't have any furniture...."

Them (confused-ish): "Ohhh...??? Okaaaayy.. Thaaanks?!"

I came out of my room, and everyone had heard my responses, and we had a good laugh. Moments later, the phone in the room next to mine rang....

I heard her answer:

"Sorry, I don't have any carpets."

"I don't have any furniture...."

She came out and we all laughed.

Then the phone in the next room rang (they were obviously using predictive dialling, which calls residences in an area in succession):


He answered:

"Sorry, I don't have any carpets."

"I don't have any furniture...."

They stopped calling after the third person answered the same way.

To this day, there must be a story going about in carpet-cleaning circles abouit the street where no one had any carpets or furniture!

Sorry, i moved things around in that, and didn't put the first paragraph in order....

One of the funniest things to say to telemarketers is this:


"How'd you get my number?! I don't even have a phone!!!"

The guy who made my engagement ring had a neat way of dealing with cold-callers. He'd let them start on their spiel and then say, "That's very interesting. I'm a jeweller and I make individual pieces of jewellery to order. The customer can provide their own design, or I can design something for them. Can I interest you in my services?" Apparently it cut most calls dead, although he did have some interest from one lady caller.

In the old days before there were companies who you could phone for insurance, you used to get insurance companies cold-calling. My way of dealing with them was to say, "I won't waste your time. My husband's an insurance broker. If your product is any good, we've probably already got it."

The worst cold-caller I ever had to deal with was one who wouldn't take "Not interested" for an answer. He asked, "Why aren't you interested?" to which I replied, "I don't have to tell you why I'm not interested, you just have to accept that I'm not." I put the phone down without saying another word.

Cut off in mid-flow.

I was about to say that people like that really annoy me. For a start, they are invading my privacy by cold-calling. For another they won't take no for an answer. It's a good thing I'm fairly even-tempered on the phone. Richard would probably chew their ears off and then slam the phone down.

I had a call from some guy soliciting credit cards for a major department store here... shall remain nameless but their initials are HBC...

I said no. He kept trying to sell it to me... I said NO... I hung up, and he called me back. I said "What part of NO do you not understand?", and hung up on him.

A few weeks later, I get a card in the mail!... I called up their business office and really chewed them out. Not only did I not want the card, but he had harrassed me into the bargain. AND I knew his and that he had a Jamaican accent.... That helped pinpoint him!

I did a brief stint in telemarketing, and I can tell you that the most irritating thing you can do to them is to wordlessly hang up just as they get started.

A telephone with caller ID built into it is a wonderful thing, too. Anytime the caller comes up as "unavailable," you can assume with 99% accuracy that they're a telemarketer. My answering machine gives them advice on how they may proceed with me... "solicitors and telemarketers may p*ss off..."

That is a good one Blathers The only ones who don't get the message are the telemarketers who work for companies which call you with a recorded message asking you to wait for the next available agent

Today at the store I had to deal with one of those people who come in from time to time either hawking some crappy ethnic jewellery, or in this case knock-offs of expensive perfume and after shave. After telling her that I wasn't interested, she started approaching our customers

This is where being a Brit in Texas comes in really handy - I can be very imperious when I ask someone to leave

And once or twice I've told an American telemarketer that they've somehow got through to a telephone in London and I don't appreciate being woken up at 2am

Since signing up for Texas No-Call, I've been denied that pleasure

Gosho..

It is amazing that people think it is a-okay to wander into a store and try and hawk merchandise.

When I worked at Chapters, there was some guy trying to sell his own software (software he had made himself, not his used stuff) from a briefcase to our customers. He was incredulous when we said he wasn't allowed to do that. He was even more incredulous when after he was asked to leave, he came back and was escorted out by the police.

We have had those people who come around to the various stores where I have worked, selling cheap stuffed animals, sunglasses, and other garbage door to door. Some of them were really persistant.

One day at the art supply store, on a Saturday, at LUNCH TIME, during the Back-to-School sale, with a huge line at the cash and 15 people waiting to have one of 3 employees help with their extensive school lists, this #^&$*$&^ comes in, pushes his way to the cash and tries to get my attention. I finish the sale, turn to him and say "You have 15 seconds to get out of the store before I climb across this counter and PUT you out!"

"But, but..."

My co-worker says "Take my word for it.... She IS serious."

"But, but.."

By now, I have made my way to the end of the counter and say "ten seconds..."

He was out the door before I made it around the counter but stuck his head back in and said "F&*$ you!" You should have seen him run when he saw me slam open the door and roll up my sleeves.....

Trust me... I am not one to be trifled with.

Several customers expresed amazement at the guy's nerve and said that they couldn't understand why he came back. They said THEY knew I meant business.

We also have people from ficticious charities come by. They really burn my butt. Here, you have to have photo identification which must be in plain view, and you have to be very clear about the charity.

Since I am fairly aware of which charities are for real and which arebn't I don't fall for the line. However, many of these so-called "charities" have names which sound legit but aren't...

"Canadian Association of the Blind" (or as they sometimes call themselves, Canadian Institute of the Blind) is one. The real one is "Canadian National Institute FOR the Blind". The first is a so-called charitable group. In actual fact, 89 cents of every dollar goes to the fundraiser, leaving 11 cents supposedly going to those they claim to help. Where fraud comes into it, is when the solicitor states that they are from the "Can. Inst. OF the Blind". *

Whenever I have one of the fake ones, I call the police. They are generally more than willing to check the person out, since these fakes rake in a lot of money which not only is wrong, but it reduces the funds available to legitimate charities.

I should state that some of the charities are legitimate, but the fundraising companies are at fault.

* This is an excellent article on fraudulent and "low-return" organizations (where fundraising takes the bulk of donations): http://www.terryfoxrun.org/local/files/pdf_foundation/Charity%20series%20complete.pdf

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