h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hello Helelou2

Living in the north of Scotland, my mother worked in a hotel and got several genuine queries along the lines of:

"Where's the best haggis hunting grounds around here? Do I need a licence? I've brought my own gun!"

To which she always replied:

"I'm sorry but only the laird of the land can hunt the haggis."

They were very disappointed but saved an embarrasing conversation.

Wouldn't rubber gloves be the weapon of choice?

Eeeeewwwww....

I don't think I'd want to touch even a cooked haggis with my bare hands let alone eat it!

Oh, I might not eat it with my bare hands, but am willing to try with a fork and knife

I'm a slightly fussy eater with a lot of allergies but I was just being silly and putting a nicer spin on my previous post.

The laird of course, is verra verra lucky if we leave his nibs wi' even a wee haggis fur his hunt...

Zantic....soon to be back in the real world (Dundee...close as I could get it anyhow)

All the more haggis for me!

Here they have haggis with different taste sensations... curried haggis and haggis with jalipeno peppers. Personally, I prefer the tried and true original flavour haggis.

squished haggis bookmark

What a waste of a perfectly good portion of ground-up organ meat....

I'm finding this thread a bit late, but I have a retail story. I used to work in an art supply shop. Sometimes I would wear a cap to work. One time I walked up to a customer, and asked "May I help you?" He said, "Yes, I want your hat." I explained that it was not for sale, and he said very petulantly, "You ASKED if you could help me!"

When I hear the "Can I help you?" I always get an urge to tell them to come paint my house or help me move furniture

When working on the issue desk in 'my' library, I tend to ask slightly confused-looking people who are hovering nearby the dreaded "can I help you?" question. I often get the response "probably not..." followed by an explanation of what they're after. Do they have that little faith in the abilities of us library minions?

I once had a guy ask if he could buy my cardigan I said no, cuz it's like my old faithful always warm one , he said it was just what he was looking for, for a photoshoot of his wife... !

The number of times I got the "I doubt you will know this...." and then walked promptly to a shelf and handed the item to them.

Usually, the phrase was accompanied by "the tone" and "the look". As if, clearly, they were more cultured and educated than I and coundl't POSSIBLY know what they were going to ask me. Then it would be something really simple. However, I LOVED it when they would ask something about a relatively obscure author.

But the WORST was when they would ask about something impossible subject.... "I am looking for a book on the psychology of dipsomaniac budgeriegars, its causes, symptoms, cures, and prognosis".... and then get angry because there isn't something on the shlef about the topic..... Then look at you as though you, personally, should go out, research the topic, write the book, publish it and hand it to them.... in the next 20 seconds.... And if you did find something on the topic, and it wasn't sold for $3.00, they would be ticked off.

"I thought Chapters carried EVERY book!"

Yeah, all 500 million books in print in English, and in stock......

For a short time I sold the jewelley that I make at a stall in the Byward market. There were some good days, and some spectacularily bad days...

The day that two cyclists decided to hold a meeting of the minds while leaning against my table and then got ticked off when I asked them to move because no one could see my jewellery.... Of course, I was getting a very GOOD (and unwelcome) look at the "jewellery" of one of the cyclists who was wearing Lycra shorts and no underwear....

Then there was the day that every single person who came to my stall wanted to know how much the hand-mirror that I provided for customers to view the jewellery on themselves was... One of them actually had the nerve to say "If you aren't selling it, it shouldn't be on the table...."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bookmarking.
Still enjoying this thread - congratulations to the person who started it.

"psychology of dipsomaniac budgeriegars, its causes, symptoms, cures, and prognosis"

Blimey, not even any hits on Google!!

Hovering... (it was mentioned up there somewhere ^)

So many people who are ready to check out, who want to use a listening station, or who want to ask a question will not do it! They'll hover around a vague area sort of close to the checkout or sort of close to where I am behind the counter, but not close enough to make it absolutely clear what they want, and they'll avoid eye contact at all cost

Sometimes they'll look very thoughtfully at the batteries and cassette tapes hanging in front of the counter, sometimes they'll look over their shoulder towards the merchandise, sometimes they'll dreamily gaze out of the window. But they won't walk up to the checkout and put their cd's on the counter, or walk up to the counter and ask us a question - they must feel somehow that they have to be invited to do so. People who want to listen to a cd will often do their utmost best to stand behind someone else already using one of the players and hide themselves from me instead of walking up to the player and asking to listen to the cd's.

I saw one woman walk in through the door carrying a box of cd's which she wanted to sell. She didn't come up to the counter - she walked over to a spot between two of the aisles, slowly backed into the aisle a few feet, and then stood there. She had to stand there a damn long time before I said anything to her

I used to say 'Are you ready to check out?' or 'Do you have a question?', and all of a sudden they'd break out into a relieved smile and do what they should have done in the first place. People... take responsibility for yourselves! The checkout is clearly marked - walk up to it and put your merchandise on the counter. If you have a question walk up to the counter and ask one of us - we're not vampires or werewolves! If you need something from a shop assitant, make a bold move! It's their job to help you or ring up your purchases. That's the whole purpose of the store's existence fer cryin' out loud.

We have one long counter at our store - the checkout is at one end, the listening stations are at the other, and in between is where we appraise the cd's people bring in to sell (the buys). If you stand two feet from the checkout but don't actually step up to it, you'll be standing there all day if I'm the only person at the counter and I'm busy working on a buy. On the other hand, if you put your cd's down on the counter and start going through your pockets for your wallet or get your purse out of your bag, I'll be right there to ring you up.

My boss, who is all about customer service, will ask people if they have a question even when it's perfectly clear that they don't (they're waiting for someone, standing in the checkout line), or when they're trying to do something for themselves, like looking around the store to locate a section. I don't do that. I don't believe in doing everything for everyone because it makes people lazy. Besides, it also loses the store money - I went into a shop and got the usual 'Are you looking for something in particular?' before I was even halfway through the door. 'No' I replied, even though I was and I'd never been in this shop before. If I'd said yes and been led right there by the assistant, that would have been all I bought there - a $3 item. Instead, I browsed the shelves, saw a couple of other things I wanted, and ended up spending $20. Customer service might have cost that shop $17 worth of sales if I'd been the usual lazy customer.

Well, the Psychology of budgeriegars... was just an example... I did have a woman who called weekly for books on "solar effects" (as in "lunar effects" but to do with the sun...) At least she was nice about it after the first time I dealt with her, and I was usually given the task of helping her. I guess it was my ability to suffer lunatics, if not gladly, at least sympathetically.

We used to have our look-up station at Chapters in a little spot right beside the entrace to our section, facing a little space between the puilllar of the archway into the dpartment, a display table, and the corner of a shelving unit. There was space right and left of whoever was at the computer for the customer to stand and talk to you, and see the screen.

I cannot tell you the number of times I would be at the computer and suddenly get the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I would turn and someone would be standing inches away from my back glaring at me, with barely room to turn around, and with them invading my personal space.

Invariably, you would just about have to physically move them to one side of the computer station in order to be able to speak to them without feeling like they were going to bite my neck any second.

There were also the people who would... kid you not... climb over the display table in order to stand facig me while I was on the computer to ask me a question. This included a woman who had some condition for which she needed crutches and even then could barely support herself...

Again, it is called a brain, and it isn't there just to hold your ears apart, folks....

Thanks for the compliments on this discussion. It has been very "healing" to be able to gripe about all these things after years of not being able to talk about them for fear of getting fired...