h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When I lived in New York, we lived on City Island http://www.cityisland.com/ which is sort of at the very far end of the Bronx. Since fishing and boatbuilding were once the main occupations on the island, it has manitained the "fishing village" atmosphere, for the most part. We lived right near the end of the island beside a number of seafood restaurants. Our favorite was Johnny's Reef (which can be seen in the film "A Bronx Tale" when Robert DeNiro's character parks his bus at the end of City Island).

My first night in New York, we went out to Johhny's and I ordered Whitefish and fries. When I got my order it had a small order of fries and a slab of fish that was about the same size as the Swordfish from "The Old Man and the Sea". I think it took us a 3 days to eat the leftovers.

(my bookmark is whatever piece of paper I can find in my handbag at the time)

Thanks for the tip Cheerful - I use bookmarks though so I know where I've read up to, saves going through lots of pages when I'm short of time.

I work in the local Theatre on the bars in the evening. Last night I was placed in the 'posh' room, where people who pay hundreds of pounds can come to sit down and drink their drinks away from the riff raff (and definitely get a seat cuz they're woefully lacking in our foyer), last night I had so many people just come in and sit down, I walk up and nicely say "Do you have a membership card", one guy didn't even bother to look at me but carried on reading a paper while he said
"Oh, you have to be a member do you?", so I just said
"Yes I'm afraid you do" resisting the temptation to say "Nah, I'm just asking you for a laugh " in super sarcastic mode
He left without too much trouble, but it never ceases to amaze me how people seem so put out that they have to speak to a member of 'lowly' bar staff in order to get a drink

Queegle

I recently had a member of academic staff return some books late to the university college library I sold my soul to. When informed that they were overdue and that the fines came to x amount, she drew herself up to her full height (which wasn't all that impressive really) and declared "But I needed them for my work!" I just looked at her (which is a tactic I have to resort to quite often, as words fail me) until she went away. Who did she think she was? Students need the books for their work as well. She works in the building next to the library, so even if she couldn't work the telephone or e-mail, then she could have brought them in to renew. And staff get their books for 10 weeks here (three times as long as students!). Grrr...

Most bizarre query is still the girl who asked me for photographs of the Great Fire of London.

Highlighters! Used on a book! Tantamount to treason where I come from. Pencil if if it's an exam text certainly, but if any other marks are needed, why that's what photocopiers were invented for... Well, that and appaently the reproduction of images of posteriors at the office party

fines? in a university library...the worst I ever got was a few nasty letters (but then I had borrowed the book and then lost it amongst my junk when moving house...found it eventually when they threatened to make me buy them a new one)

The only thing the library has the power to do here is revoke your library priveliges which is about the worst punishement going anyway, before that they restrict your access to the 3 week loans only and then restrict access for a few months.

But so far as academic staff being overdue - it doesn't surprise me, we've got academic staff who use their computer as a pretty plant stand and who exceeded their email limits without ever opening their inbox...but then they do need more looking after than most of the students poor ickle things, it's hard to spend all day researching the feotal origins of adult disease as well as remembering to renew your library books...I wonder if there are whole groups of academics who've been evicted for not paying their rent/mortgage...

What can I tell you about my centuries in retail? What do you mean it can't have been centuries? Ok, I spent some extremely *long* years in retail...


When I worked in *the* fancy schmancy department store in a small city in Virginia (only 1 shopping center, if you can't find it there, just forget it and think of something else you'd like to buy), there was this woman who would come in with her little approximately 3 year old girl named Kristen. How did I know the child's name was Kristen? Because the woman said the child's name approximately every 15 seconds, while Kristen not knowing any better climbed on fixtures, banged on glass shelves, ducked in and out under clothing racks, played with breakable items on display and was just anywhere other than by her very inattentive mother's side. But, you may point out, she was saying the child's name, wasn't she? Oh yes, she was, but it was in a monotone voice, as in "Kristenstopthatputthatdowncomehereleavethatalone", without ever looking up from whatever trinkets she was looking for at the time. I dreaded seeing that woman come into the store - the child was certainly not old enough to be allowed to run wild like that.

Academics - only this afternoon one came to fetch me because she couldn't work the photocopier because it was 'flashing'... yep, it had run out of paper!

Queegle

Bookmarking - I tend to use the nearest Waitrose receipt as a bookmark

When I worked at the first bookstore, I was in charge of stocking and looking after the Children's books, a job I took great pride in.

We used to get these huge shipments of $1.99 storybooks. I used to but several standing up in a display box, and the rest attractively pile in a spiral or some other shape I had devised. The owner used to come down and freak out... "Out them all out in the display box! We'll never sell them that way!"

I tried to point out that when I did that, they would sit there until Kingdome Come because people would see 500 of them and think I can always buy those later.... and then not ever buy it. If I put a few out, they would think "My God... $1.99 and there are only five left.... I'd better buy ALL of them for Christmas presents!"

I would top up the display box and the next five would seel equally as fast.

So, as soon as he left, I would take them all out again and put them the way I wanted them.

One day, I came around the corner to find the huge pile of books lying all over the floor with a girl about 7 CLIMBING ON THEM! I stood their stunned and the mother walked up.... "Oh Dear, Sally. Look at the work you've made for the "poor girl"!" took her child by the hand and left the store.... leaving ME with the mess.....

Yeah... that is a life-lesson for her daughter (who was old enough to know better than to walk all over merchandise)! Make a mess someone else will clean it up. God Forbid you would show her that one cleans up after oneself, that you do not make more work for people who serve you, and to have respect for other people!

On another note... In the same store, I had a young woman come in, red-eyed, sniffing, and looking upset. "Where would I find books on suicide?"

I showed her where they were, and then went back to the cash where I told my friend. We mulled it over, and decided I should go over and see if she was okay. I just couldn't let her leave without being certain that she wasn't suicidal.

I went over and said "I'm sorry to bother you, and I don't want to pry, but you seemed really upset. Is everything all right?"

She looked at me sort of confused and then suddenly looked as though a lightbulb went off and she started laughing... "No!... Everything is fine! I have a horrific cold, and I have to get my paper in by tomorrow morning! But I do appreciate your asking!"

I am still glad I did check.

Now I remember why I love working retail. I worked at a national hardware store that shares its name with the highest ranking card in the deck. The uniform is a bright red vest with the logo, and a name tag (also logoed) as well as a headset so that we (employees and boss) could talk without using the PA. So, as has been much mentioned, we would all typically get the "Do you work here?" to which I would usually reply, "Nope, my name is Ace."

Then there was the guy whom we shall call Piles. Apparently he sh*t himself soon after he entered the store, but did not seem to notice. So he left his namesake throughout the store, and I do mean throughout. Lucky I(who was the sh*t scooper at the time) was not due in until several hours after the incident. By the time I got there, everything was cleaned except the front stoop, which the boss himself was hosing down (with a hanky wrapped around his nose). Incidentally, I have the coolest boss on the planet, not afraid to roll up his sleeves and spray down the sh*t if need be.

Then there was the guy that bought(AMA) rope rated for 24 lbs (11 kg) to hang his hammock because it was cheaper, then proceeded to berate me for trying to sell him the somewhat more expensive, but much stronger rope. I told him that I personally would use the stronger rope, but that it was his arse on the line (so to speak).

Then there's my friends favorite, the "KY man". He is about 80 years old and comes into friend's grocery store every friday night to buy only a bottle of wine and a large tube of KY personal lubricant. everybody wants to know, but nobody wants to ask.

Im sure there are more, and will be more this summer but,
Unitl I post again,
TUUUYSCS,
Deuce, TCR->1st ARMAMfCAV.

Someone I know worked in a drugstore "somewhere in Ontario" where, every week, a certain "famous Candaian author" who shall remain nameless would purchase 3 (count 'em, THREE) tubes of Preparation-H "for her husband"....

(a post-it)

Working bars again tonight, I may have some silly little things to tell tomorrow......

Queegle

Had an interesting one today.

I think I may have already mentioned the commercially available database we have installed on a pc in the store, a pc which isn't connected to the web btw. Since this database is simply that - a database to help customers find out which cd a song might be on, or who sang a particular song, or whether a cd is in print, or every cd ever released by an artist and their availability, you get the idea - since it's just a database and not our inventory (we don't even have any kind of inventory), we have a message across the top of the monitor to that effect (look above your screen - that part of the monitor frame right there). It says something along the lines of 'This is not our inventory, blah blah blah, nor is it connected to any ordering facility, blah, if you want to place an order please come up to the counter, blah blah'. And it's written on paper which is a very different colour to the boring beige monitor frame, and in an ink which contrasts the paper colour, just to make it especially visible.

I think you're probably ahead of me already aren't you.

An amazing number of people come up to the counter every day with comments like 'Your computer says you have 73 Rolling Stones cds but I can only find 12. Where are the others?'

So a customer comes to the checkout and says to my co-worker something like "I've just ordered a cd though your computer, how long will it take to arrive?" "Er, you can't order through the computer, let me get an order slip and I'll do it for you." "But it's in the computer already" "No, the ordering system on the computer doesn't work." "But I already ordered it" "No you didn't, I'll do that for you now" "Oh.

...

But it's in the computer" "Which cd are trying to order" "The latest one by Queens of the Stone Age" "Really? Have you checked their section? I know I saw three or four copies out there yesterday" "Oh... no, I just wanted to order it" "Well, if we have it in stock you don't need to order it" "Oh... does that mean we need to cancel the order in the computer?"

Computers...they do give rise to the most amusing "Jo Public is an idiot" stories...

(this is by way of a bookmark, by the way.)

buggers

I worked in Insurance Replacement for a while, where a customer would claim on their house insurance and we would replace it from our (very well known in the UK) company stock.

As such we would ask Insurance Assessors and the customers themselves to provide as much detail about the product as possible so we could match the item to something close in technical spec. Some of the ridiculous descriptions we had (mostly from the Assessors themselves - who moan if you replace a product incorrectly, and bear in mind these guys have been out to the customers houses and seen most of these products themselves. Why not take a model number while you're there peeps ) prompted me to start a book listing the pap we had through on a daily basis:

"Playstation. Bought from man in pub for £50"

"Dreamcast - No model number"

"Microwave - would cook a chicken but not a turkey"

But my personal fave was...

"Jamo speakers, waist height to customer. (She is small)"


I also remember a girl called Nicky taking Tech Specs on a VCR and asking the client "Does it have any outstanding or unusual features?" to which she got "There's a scratch down one side"

The public eh? Gotta love 'em.

Hmm, if someone had an item of suspect history nicked, do you have to go out and find a 'man in a pub' to replace like with like?