h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ohh! Me too! I'm knackered! I blame it on 2legs... and the weather. I wanted to be out on a moor somewhere getting soaked through and feeling half alive...

I hate walking behind people who don't walk in a straight line but meander from side to side; it means if I want to overtake, they keep cutting me up and I have to go to their other side.

And when they let you some free space on the pavement, when you sneak up to pass they suddenly change side! Alternatively, they can also walk in the middle.

And people just standing in the middle of the way (or entrance of shop or wherever) speaking (or doing nothing), oblivious to those who would like to pass and have to manoeuvre around.

I mostly hate that I hate that the stupid little things that others do bother me. Why do I care? Why let my equilibrium be upset?

I'm all the time saying 'whoa, big fella, calm down' to myself.

When people continually repeat the exact same words for 10 minutes, expecting to convince you to change your mind.

Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!
Only because you weren't convinced the first time!

Tall people who stand in front of you just before the band comes on at a gig, when you've been happily nursing your perfect spot for 20 minutes.

Like this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zgsi-cY4ww

Oh, I hate that, Beatrice!

I nearly always make an effort to find an out-of-the-way spot if I need to stop. by a wall, against a pillar. I generally try to find natural outcroppings (pillars and the brick bits between shops, even bins and railings, but not narrow areas that can get blocked!) and get on the lee side...

Junk mail. In particular junk mail from companies I have ordered from in the past, who therefore think it acceptable to send me a new catalogue every month for the rest of my life.

Companies who pretend to be green by asking you to recycle the reams of crap they send you (yes, Oxfam - I mean you). Just don't send the sodding stuff in the first place!

Banks who encourage you to save paper by getting only online statements, and then send you loads of unnecessary junk advertising their other services.

<< I wanted to be out on a moor somewhere getting soaked through >>

Isn't that racist?

There Iago again. Are you just envious or what? Just the mention of someones race doesn't imply racism.

You are out for a meal with a group of people, and start to order the food.
There will be one gloom-mongering doom merchant who will tut and suck their teeth at every choice made by the rest;

'You're having the beef? Are you Rothschilds? (It's always a gummy old grave dodger who lives in a world where Rothschilds is supposed to embody wealth)

'Mussels'!!! Never the shellfish you should try, ere the day ends in a 'y'. (This piece of psudo scientific hokum will have been handed down to them by their paternal grandmother. Who died of scurvey and ricketts at the age of 21)

Rabbit!!! You can't eat rabbit, they are lovely furry creatures with big brown eyes. (This from a generation that inflicted Mixamatosis on the rabbit population. Which ensured those big brown eyes usually fell out as they hippity hopped o'er the meadow)

Chicken!! Have you seen how they treat those poor things? (Not adverse to a nice cheap dippy egg and soldiers in the morning though)

Carrots!!! Are you mad? Do you even comprehend the chemicals they grow those in? (So much better in their day, when the bucket from the outside privy, and gandma's guzunder contents were spread daily over the vegetable garden)

After lecturing everybody on their poor diet/cruel eating habits, our hero then makes their order. 'Just organic peas and gravy for me thank you waiter' This is said with a huge sigh, as if they are forgoing all pleasurable food as a penance for mankind's effect on the food chain. A real martyr.

THEN comes the really annoying bit. As everybody elses food arrives, this plank coos 'Ooooooooh, now that looks lovely......do you mind if I try a bit? Just a taste. No, no, just a small bit.........'

Like when your date says 'No, I can't eat desserts' then the 'just a taste' of yours leaves you with barely a taste yourself.

I'm fairly certain I mention this exact same gripe *every* year at this time... but I'm going to do it again.

Being invited to dinner at the home of a relative (or in-law), asking the host(ess) if I can please contribute something, being told no, they have it covered, and arriving to find that there is *nothing* suitable for vegetarians.

"Oh, but there's corn casserole"

Which contains bacon. Bacon is *not* a vegetable.

"Oh, but I made stuffing (dressing)".

Made with chicken broth. Chicken is *not* a vegetable.

"But there are shrimp"

Which are *not* vegetables.

<>

It is if it suffered severe brain damage.

I'll get me coat...

Actually, Nigella's roast sqaush with blue cheese platter looked rather good this week...

IF.......you left out the pecan nuts and silly blue cheese in my opinion . I was thinking, 'Wow how great would that be baked in Olive oil and Rosemary'

How about the Ginger Gammon though? 7 LITRES of ginger ale!!!!!!! I've bought mine already to avoid the rush

I just quoted exactly that on the Diss Nigella thread. I know, 7 litres