h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear to whom it may concern or/Women with Boyfriends who are big babies,
Are you aware that this abuse issue is a question of pattern behavior? I have been with my new boyfriend for approximately 6 months. I was rushing off to school this morning and peeped into the bathroom to say so. He was in the shower and picture this through a transparent plastic shower curtain: A grown man, naked placing his hands over his face and bawling then turning to the wall to hide his face and pounding on the shower wall as though in a tantrum. I told him to get a grip and asked if he had been taking his medication. He looked for all the world like a giant infant crying because someone had taken his favorite toy away. Now that is a boyfriend who is a big baby.
Girls, I avow that when I am finally out of this mess and it will be by the end of the marrying month of June, I go forward alone from here. No more whirlwind romances, no more telling myself that I should not be so jaded as to not give love one more try. I will here after when someone tells me that they love me answer with a smile, Thank you.
With that I would like to thank you all very much for your attention.
Worlds of Love,
JLCtheTTP

You are right to vow to leave this guy but no way should you vow against all men in the future. Are you still at school ?! I think Zappgirl was far too young to dismiss all men out of hand and you are doing the same. It's a shame that you are being got at so young. My first steady boyfriend was a nightmare and very childish and for ages I thought all men were the same and half expected to be treated badly by my next one. Thankfully they've not all been the same and now married to a real good one. Perhaps you are a teacher in which case, same applies really. Grown decent men are out there !

I've just read the backlog - it makes me both very sad and furious beyond words to know that there are b******s like that around.

Men are babies in the sense that we cripple ourselves emotionally - we just don't relate to eachother at all but are somehow expected to develop into whole human beings.

You have to *try* to look at it rationally, dispassionately. As an example, my sister asked me whether it was worth staying with the bloke she was with. He wasn't giving her the support she needed through some terrible times she was going through, but on the plus side all of us got on really well with the rest of his family. I told her that the peripheral things were good, but they basically fall by the wayside if a bloke hasn't got the guts to stand by you when you really need it. They broke up soon after that, thankfully.

Don't believe the hype. Don't *ever* go for some a******e who's just feeding you memorised pick-up lines. He'll carry on feeding you bulls**t. The decent, genuine guys are the ones who don't feel the need to big themselves up to the hilt. As Florence Nightingale would say, you have to train yourself to ignore the ones making the most noise.

Jack
but hopefully making sense.

I don't think I will ever be capable of dismissing all men "out of hand" as you say. I just won't be thinking of myself as unwhole without the union of a man to me in marriage. I am Catholic and have grown up with the romantic myths attached to my reglious upbringing. I am sick of the myth that men have perpetuated of placing women in one of two catagories: virgin or whore. We are not either black or white just as men are not to be catagorized as decent or vile. I just want to be happy and have a peacful life. It is not my fault that God choose to make me pretty and men chase after me. I guess I can fault men for wanting to possess me to the point of injuring themselves, others, and me. I only say to myself that I am going forward from here on alone, as one. I do not swear off relationships with men as I am not inclined to be a lesbian. I also want to say that I don't think of myself as the most beautiful woman in the world to be coveted by any man who sees me. I dress modestly for the most part, and have even taken to wearing dark glasses to avoid the advances that many men make to me with their eyes. I know I am not wrong when I see men eyeing me up and trying for eye contact. I have no idea why men act this way, even when I am on the arm of another man. I would prefer the intimacy of a one on one relationship with a man, I am not a child. I have just had so many...experiences that scare me with men once I have gotten into a relationship that I can't risk the chaos that men tend to bring into my life. My fault is that I am too honest,giving, understanding and comforting.I seems to attract men who pretend to be honest,etc.. Then end result being my honesty is used against me, the rest becomes a revolving cycle of codependency which eventually results in abuse. I am beginning to read the signs and have opted out of my most recent relationship after 6 months, the last one went on for 4-5 years. I believe must go on and find happiness in living with myself again, alone without a man in my house. If because I am not of a mind to give myself to one man, then let me be called whore. The word has no sting and only shows the ignorance of one who utters it. These are the type of honest statements that I make which incite men to violence. Lately when I listen to complaints, rather than put the man down and give my side of the story I just say that each has his own version of reality and if ours does not coincide peacefully I would rather not share mine with him. I know the end result already. Finally I just called it off and said I wanted out of the relationship.
If you think hell has no fury than a woman scorned, this is just another myth that men have made up to make us feel guilty about our womanhood. I have found the exact opposite to be true. The tears and feigned hysteria of this man in the shower were meant to be a manipulation of my pity. I witnessed this and fell for it during the 4 year relationship which I tried with my heart and soul to build into a marriage. I understand, yes, I understand what comes next and it isn't pretty. I look forward to making a clean break from this dangerous relationship. I am moving out of the apartment we are sharing at the end of the month and until then staying at a girlfriend's house. In the meantime, back to my graduate studies in romantic literature.

hello everyone. its been a long time huh. I dont know what to say, i came back to see if this thread was still going, and im amazed it is. Or maybe not. There are a lot of big babys out there. I have to tell you, this site and this thread was my one and only friend during that time. I was alone with my thoughts and feelings. Things are not really any different, i am i little bit stronger thou. I am still with him... He is still exactly the same, but i have changed alot. He is abusive mentally, and sometimes fysically. I have to say thou, that i have in some odd way become stronger.

He even tells me himself that if i would have had any common sense i would have been gone a long time ago.

lots of love from Zapp

Zapp,

take the hint.

Go.

Now.

It's good to know you're OK, up to now. It should come as no surprise that people care about you and worry about you when they don't know how you are.

But please... read back what people have said here.

Get out. You WILL be glad you did. I promise.

H.
Happy you're ok.
that I have to repeat this.

Glad you're still OK there, but I know I'm not the only one wondering why you haven't changed your situation if he isn't getting any better.

I'm no shrink, or even any kind of amateur expert on people (to be honest, I prefer the company of machines much of the time), but even *I'd* guess that the longer someone hangs around in what seems like a dysfunctional relationship, the harder it might be for them to adjust to a normal person when they finally find one.

I reckon that there are many worse situations than being alone, and the one you've described sounds like one of them to me.

There do seem to be some people who choose to spend their time with a******s even when they have a real choice, but even taking the Devil's Advocate position, the only good I can see coming from that happening is that they keep them away from the rest of the population.
Actually *being* the person actually doing that service to society doesn't seem to me to have any obvious upside.

What's keeping you there? Is it your own pride? Are you afraid to leave because of what might happen to you or what he might do?

Alji ps glad to see you back with us!

Zappgirl, I have just spent Midsommer in Sweden, eating cinammon cakes, and enjoying the maypoles. It did not get dark in Stockholm, there was just a four hour dusk before it got light again. The moon was almost full.

Last time we had this conversation we talked about you going home for Christmas... Now you have missed Midsommer too.......

B

Hey Zapp,
I am so relieved to hear from you again - you can see we have all had you in our thoughts. I am sad to hear that your situation is no better even if you feel you have become a stronger person. Maybe it is time to use your new-found strength and start making some positive changes to your life...

Chin up girl,
love
kelli

Hi Zappgirl and everyone else who has contributed to this thread.

I have just waded through the thread and am very glad that you are still OK Zapp.

I note in your latest post that you say you are ok and that you feel stronger, but that he is still abusing you mentally and physically - GET OUT NOW!

Your relationship with this man strikes me as being potentially very destructive to you and is most certainly not sane, safe or consensual.

Please be safe, Please be sensible, leave him now.....there are many good men out there who will treat you with respect and hopefully love as well. You do not need this man - stop convincing yourself that you do.

His abuse will only get worse over time, particularly if you start to stand up to him - please leave him now.

Hi Zapp,

You need to get out now. It's not going to get better and he wont change, this guy is a s**t.

Liam.

zappgirl,

i'm not gonna say it, i think you know what we all think.

i'm just glad you are ok up to now, long may it last.

FABT

Less of this chin up sympathy. It's 'get a grip' reality that is needed now. And fast. We have poured sympathy and advice into this thread and each time you more or less dismiss even contemplating leaving him. So why are you still unhappy ? You say he's not changed - of course not and he never will. Do you really want a lifetime of this ? How dare he take over your life and manipulate you. He is a big mistake. Get out of there girl before your whole life has gone down the drain. LOVE IS MEANT TO BE A GOOD THING.

Zappgirl, given that you were asking for input in the first place, would there have been any kind of replies that would have led you to decide that leaving was a Good Idea, and to go through with it?

thank you. i think that is what will happen. i just got a great job here and everything. but i guess i will have to leave that behind. Even if i wanted to stay here without him i couldnt because if we get a divorce he will make sure im deported. so...

Zapp, when did you marry him? I thought he was just your boyfriend?

It is great that you got a job - hopefully you have made some friends of your own there, ones that he doesn't know. They will be a good source of support for you when you leave him.

Can any of our US researchers comment on what would happen when they split up? Is getting you deported a specific threat he has made to you? I think you should leave him first and worry about being deported later - your safety is more important than anything else.

Love
Kelli

A marriage entered into in good faith ending in divorce is not a cause for automatic deportation. "http://www.nolo.com/lawcenter/auntie/questions.cfm/objectID/DC995690-4541-444B-9515BD686E3A5664/catID/995EE405-21AA-4B4A-97CBABD905A37E1B"

I'm not sure why anyone would want to stay in a country where they didn't know anyone. I could understand it if someone was an economic migrant, or escaping an unpleasant regime, but someone with apparently all of Europe to choose from wouldn't seem likely to have those pressures.

At what point did your boyfriend become your husband?. It's a bit of a surprise you didn't mention it earlier.

I am deeply concerned that after all the discussion in this thread that you married him - on the up side it is encouraging that from your last post you seem to at least now acknowledge the need to leave him.

Your safety is much more important than any job, you can always return to europe.