h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am sad right now, but I just can´t seem to get it out. I´ve cried a bit, but not the way I need to. The thing that really gets me is that I REALLY need someone to just hold me right now, no words, just a great big longlasting hug. And I have no one, all my really close friends live out of town, so I´m sitting here all by myself falling apart slowly. I feel like I´m dying inside, and right now it feels like I´m probably gonna be alone forever... I´m just so afraid that I´ll never find someone who´ll love me. I have so much love inside of me to give, and I have no one to give it to. That gets kindda frustrating in the long run. Loneliness is probably the thing that scares me the most in this world. I feel so helpless and alone right at this moment, that I don´t know what to do with myself...

Suddenly I miss my daddy (he died 4½ years ago), he would have found a way to make me feel better. He always knew what to say when I was sad...

Thank you all for your support. In some strange way it does help a bit...

Hey Dax,

Sorry things didn't work out, but you still do have the friendship and that was one thing you were worried about.

Don't worry, you are a great, carring, unselfish girl. I'm sure that a guy will come along and make you feel how special that you truly are. If I could I would go over there and give you that hug, but unfortunatly that's not possible (the whole ocean thing and all). The best I can do is tell you that I wish you the best and that we are all here for you if you need to talk. (I know it's not the same thing)

My heart is with you

Thanks Zorpheus

I have been keeping busy now since it happened, and actually I´m doing surprisingly well... I´m just afraid what will happen when I stop doing stuff, go to bed and the quite envelops me...

But I do feel in my heart that I will be okay. Some days will just be harder than others. Especially if he hooks up with Sarah...

I´m really sorry to hear this Dax. I had actually thought he liked you. I have no experience with these kind of things, so I don´t know what to say. But I would advice you to call some of your friends. I´m sure they´ll come and give you a long-lasting hug.

Dax, do you know about body-language? Do you know how to rapidly find out if someone else is attracted to you? You can read from people's attitudes whether they are interested in you in a romantic way or not, and if you can do that you can know whether to go for something or not. For instance you can look at people's eyes: if their pupils widen while they're looking at you it's a strong sign of their being attracted to you.

Or look at someone´s pupils while you´re mentioning the name of someone. If they widen that usually means they´re attracted to them. Of course this only goes for other people.

I remember something I read in New Scinetist from a course for de-geeking MIT students. They asked the guys how they knew if a girl was interested in them. They answered the girls smiled and seemed genuinely interested in what they were saying. The girls answered they knew guys liked them when they stared at them and blushed

Just thought maybe that would cheer you up.

Dax

You are beautiful, and we love you.
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
Tears too.

a girl called Ben
PS - it is called a broken heart, because that is where it hurts...

Dearest Dax

*big from me*

Honey I know it hurts at the moment and it feels like it will never get better. My little net romance ground to a halt at the beginning of the week and that hurts like hell so you must be going through ten times that.

I am a little angry at him tho for not being straighter with you. Why oh why do people play games?

You cannot do open heart surgery with a plastic knife from a canteen!!

Thank you all... I am not doing to well today and it helps with a little support. I called my mom and asked her if I could come over for dinner tonight, because I just need to get out of the house...

It hurts like hell right now, but I just wanted to let you all know that I am reading and it is helping.

Oh and one more thing for the record. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I don´t hate him in anyway, this whole situation is as much my fault as it is his. I don´t even hate Sarah...

Well you are a better person then me in that case!

Sorry Dax, but I don't believe it is your fault. Sadly its not really anyone's fault. It's his problem, that he doesn't fancy you, but its definately not your fault. The least you can be blamed for is fancying someone who doesn't fancy you - not a crime - we've all done it (some of us are still doing it!). You've got nothing to feel bad, or ashamed about.

its trite, i know, but shite happens eh?

*hugs to Dax*

just to let you know that i'm thinking of you, even on the other side of the world

please make sure you do hold onto the friendship and work on it - i have seen too many friendships fall apart because of this, when all it takes is proper, honest communication, to keep it going (although you seem to have this down pat )

that said it was well worth the risk you took, especially as things have worked out pretty much second best scenario (does that make sense?) i have two friends let's call them A and B - A spent a year obsessed with B, convinced he was in love with her - they became closer and closer friends - A went away for a few months, and they missed each other terribly - about a week after B returned they started going out - after a month B felt paralysed and dumped A - this initially destroyed their friendship although they do seem to have got it back together now

also i am living in glorious sin with a guy who i developed a friendship with in a similar way, and when it does work it's great so it was worth the risk, and surely now you feel some relief at least?

*hugs* again
sorry if that didn't help
(in the absence of Zedley) *sending sunbeams to ya*
span

I personally have no experience with this sort of thing, but I do have sympathy...

If you can, I would suggest spending more time with him because you're still good friends and it might help you feel better.
And, now you know the answer, so... I really don't know what you should do... Wish I had advice, but all I can do is express my support for you.
...

It occurs to me, having read through some of your postings Dax, that the real issue isn't about the relationship with your friend, but that this is a symptom of the real problem. I haven't met you, so I can only make assumptions on what I have read but it seems that the most important issue that you need to deal with is your self-esteem.

You mentioned that you are unhappy about a lot of things in your life, it is a good idea to resolve your personal issues before trying to enter into relationships with others. It may be that you feel that getting a boyfriend will make you feel good about yourself and make you happy, but unfortunately I think that you may be disappointed. A good relationship is a bonus but not a cure. You may also find a relationship difficult if you are not comfortable with yourself first, and breaking up with someone would be 10 times more devastating.

Please try not to judge yourself by what others in society perceive as the norm. I am a 24 year old female, I live alone and have had no real long term relationships, but I feel comfortable with this as I accept that "normal expectations" are not what makes me happy. Find out what makes you happy, live your life to the full, and one day you will meet your perfect partner, probably when you least expect it. When this happens he will be overwhelmed by the well-adjusted, fun, happy person in front of him. It is true that if you feel good on the inside you appear more attractive on the outside.

Yes I know that, and you´re right. It´s just hard, because I feel really, really lonely, and it´s hard to feel good about yourself when you feel that way.

But I will try to move on and find myself, not to sound all cliché...
Somewhere I do know what a great person I am, I just wish that someone else would notice that already.

I will give you two song quotes on the way, that both stick in my mind at the time. The one I need to believe in is the R.E.M. one, the other is just a fact...

"The only thing worth looking for is what you find inside" - R.E.M. (from Disappear of the album Reveal)

"Nobody wants to be lonely, nobody wants to cry..." - Ricky Martin.

Of course no-one wants to be lonely, but does not having a boyfriend=loneliness? Have you thought about joining any local societies or clubs? You say that you have other friends; go out with them and enjoy yourself without worrying about the need for a relationship. Perhaps you could go to an assertiveness class, you would be amazed how useful they are and how good you can feel. What you need to do is find some way of building up your confidence.

You can't expect other people to notice what a great person you are if you can't notice it yourself.

I've actually been through this sort of thing. It probably sounds trite to you at the moment, but it turned out for the best, in my situation, at least. Short summary: I knew her for a couple of months; she used to hang out with my group of friends when we went out, since she was the best friend of my best friend's girfriend. I developed feelings for her. One night I confronter her with those feelings. She wasn't sure what she felt for me, but somehow I ended up at her place, but nothing happened other than my car being towed. She wouldn't take my calls when I called for a week after that, at which point my vacation time arrived, and I flew back home to spend time with my family as I had planned well in advance.

When I came back, one of my friends confessed that he'd ended up hooking up with her, but he'd be willing to end it if it was going to cause a problem between us. I was absolutely shattered, but, at the same time, I resolved that this was NOT going to ruin my relationship with my friend, nor, by extension, cause trouble within my larger group of friends (after all, I'd had my chance, and she'd rejected me, so if I started a problem, I'd be the asshole, and nobody could take my side). A couple of nights later I saw her for the first time since that awful night, when we all went out again. She knew that she'd treated me badly, and was apologetic, and hoped we could be friends. I let her off with a simple ceremony... I told her that anyone who buys me a beer is my friend, and so she bought me one.

Every time I saw them together, it drove daggers into my heart, but I suffered in silence. I didn't have to suffer long. She had some pretty awful traits that I had somehow missed while being blinded by biochemical reactions which soon became painfully obvious. She was a drunk, and a very mean drunk at that. She was also very conceited and selfish. I grew to dislike her very much... and so did my friends, including the one who dated her (and even her best friend didn't have much in the way of nice things to say about her). He dumped her after just a few weeks, and we saw rather little of her on our excursions after that.

So... moral of the story: My friend had an awful relationship with her to spare me the trouble. She wasn't right for me, but I couldn't see it at the time.

Well, there is a little difference here... I do know him, probably better than anyone in the world. He is a good person, but he does not have those feelings for me, you cannot change that.

He has liked this Sarah girl secretly for 1½ years now, but has not done anything because he did not think she was interested. She has liked him secrely for 1½ years now, but has not done anything about it because she did not think he was interested.
As he said, they are not in love, they just like each other. You CANNOT be in love with someone you don´t even know...

So the thing is, I never had a chance with him in the first place, because while I have been having these feelings for him, he has been pining away for her... The only reason he did not tell me of his feelings for her was because he knew that Sarah and I were friends and he found that akward.
I just can´t help thinking that if the two of them had dared to make a move sooner, I would not be in this mess now. Of course there is every chance that we would not have the friendship today, and I would not give that up for anything...

As I pointed out to him when we talked yesterday, this whole situation is turning out like a very bad episode of Dawsons Creek... He agreed 100% with me and we actually had a laugh together. So we are still talking, and we are trying to move on and kept things the way they were before.

I've no doubt that a few years down the line, when you have met the right bloke, you and your friend will have a good laugh about the whole situation, and you are right, now you need to move on.