h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Dax,

love yourself before love others. I sound like Oprah, but it true.
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see for urls my my space.

Dax, *please* be sure you cherish the friendship, no matter what happens with him and Sarah...I had a girl with whom I was *very* close, and there had been some 'history' between us, as it were, but we'd passed that stage and were simply very close friends...she started going out with someone else, and their relationship became very good...except for one small problem - me. Not that I was causing problems, or that we were still doing things, but because she had told him about what little history we had and got very jealous...compromises were made, I didn't speak to her nearly as often, but still he was having problems with us being friends...finally I couldn't take any more, and told him exactly what I thought of what he was (or seemed to me to be) doing...two weeks later she told me she couldn't talk to me anymore at all, basically because, although he hadn't given her an ultimatum or anything like that, every time she spoke to me he would get upset, etc., and it was just ruining their relationship, so it was either him or me...unfortunately, but understandably (largely for reasons which I haven't gone into here, and won't do) she chose him... I had thought that the reduced contact was bad enough, but not being able to speak to her at all was horrible...and believe me, my feelings for her were no less than yours, even though the 'physical' side of it was no longer a factor...part of the reason I screwed up by saying what I did to him was because I allowed myself to be confused by the difference between how I felt about her, and what our relationship *really* was, as compared to the emotional loading he had put upon it...in other words, I overreacted simply because I was trying to defend our relationship, I set him up like the enemy because that was the position he felt himself to be in, and I allowed myself to come to believe it, which gave him justification to feel that way...vicious circle, isn't it? Hopefully even if he does get together with Sarah she won't act like that, but no matter how much she knows that you're not a threat to them, there's no guarantee that she won't be like that.

So just be careful, and always remember just how much his friendship means to you...

btw, that was almost 3 months ago, and I still haven't heard from her...

That is a sad story and I´m very sorry that you lost your friendship...
But I don´t believe that Sarah will act that way, no matter what happens. We talked it out between us, and she accepts that I will always be a big part of his life and that I will always love him in one way or the other. She know how deep our friendship is, even though she can never grasp the full extent of it, I think she has a pretty good idea.

I think I have been the bigger person through all of this, and I see no reason for her to have bad feelings towards me, no matter what happens...

There doesn't have to be a 'reason' I'm not suggesting that just because my situation turned out like it did that yours will follow a similar course, just telling you to be aware of the possibility that, although she may be fine with it now, she may change her mind in the future...people are notorious for doing that unannounced... But you seem to have a decent relationship with her, so you're probably in a better position.

Dax,
I'm really sorry to hear that things didn't work out, but though it never seems like a good thing at the time, it is better to know how things stand, so that when you meet another nice guy, you don't ignore him because you're still unsure whether your feelings for your long-term friend might be reciprocated.
I'm sure you're right about Sarah - it doesn't seem to me like she'd view you as a threat, especially since you talked to her first.

King C of B - that IS a sad story - and one to which I can relate utterly. I have never been jealous of the friends of my partner(s), but I've often been dumped because of the jealousy of others. In fact I've become a bit cynical about it to the extent that I didn't really believe that blokes could BE friends.

I've seen that opinion ventured a few times in all of this backlog, and I tend to think that it is true of a fair few guys...but there are some guys who can recognise the difference between really caring about someone of the opposite sex and needing to be physical with them... I think many guys don't know any better way to express themselves than physically...increasingly, this seems to be true of girls, also... just to be clear, I'm talking here about the case where no genuine feelings exist, *not* Dax's case...

*sympathy*, baby...
It's a hard thing, but it will make you stronger. It does, believe me. Every experience in life is important, and this also goes for heartbreaking feelings... It sounds sarcastic, but that's not the way I mean it, of course...


About the self-esteem problem : I don't know ANYBODY who is intelligent and doesn't have, in some way, a self-esteem problem. Sometimes it lies deep inside, sometimes it's quite obvious, but it's always there. A lot of people try to cover it up by acting arrogant or looking down on others, which makes them feel there less vulnerable. Others are much more honest and show their feelings, which, in the end, is the best thing, since you're not deceiving yourself. I DO think it helps when you have a boyfriend who loves you and tells you you're beautiful and you're gorgeous and all that, BUT I also believe that in the end it's your friends that are most important. Sometimes friends can give you the kind of advise you first get really upset about, because it doesn't stroke with your feelings at all. But I think a friend HAS to do that if it's his true opinion, and it will help you *a lot* more than a friend who always says what you want to hear.

erm... I don't have a clue why I'm saying this... Oh yes : I fought long and hard with myself to gain some selfesteem, and after all, well : I still have to work on it a lot! It's not easy, and I can go on for hours (which I won't do!!), but I'll help you if I can...

Now have a good cry, it DOES help, and DEMAND a hug from your nearest friends!

*love*,
Honey³

I also have this self-esteem problem, and I´d also say it would probably get a lot better if I found someone who thought I was wonderful. As for friends being blokes, they can be that. But not women, they´re all backstabbing bitches. You can see two girls who are best friends and as soon as one of them leaves the room the other starts badmouthing her.

As for expressing feelings physically, maybe that isn´t so wrong. I´m not doing it, but chimps seem to have great success with it.

In my experience, that really doesn't apply to all women. In fact, it doesn't apply to any of the women I'd count as friends, and I'm fairly sure it woudn't apply to most/all of the female researchers I've yet met.

That applies to pretty much all women I´ve met. Also people I would never have thought was like that. To me it seems women just don´t know what the term loalty means.

I guess either I've been lucky in the women I've met, you've been unlucky, or one (or both) of us has a distorted perception.
Where do you generally meet women? (sounds like a place I should try to avoid)

I agree with you Xanatic

I think, Potholer, the problem with women is they are all well and good until men (platonic or otherwise) step into the equation.

There are very few women I trust. And I always question why they are telling me something.

oh, man....Don't tell him!!! I was friends with this guy and I developed a (big) crush on him after a while. I asked him out....BAD IDEA!!! He hasn't talked to me since!!! I really regret it because he had a good friendship before that and now it's gone. Oh well. What's done is done. Good luck with him!

Xanatic and Enthused

I am very offended by what you say about women. It simply is not true.

If I had to live the rest of my life without men or live the rest of my life without women, I would choose to live without men. Simple as that.

My women friends are wise, loyal, funny, kind, caring, supportive, loving, helpful, and generous.

Here is a list of things my women friends have done for me, or I have done for them in the last 6 months:

Taken someone in following a phone call, put them up for the night, and coped with the wailing and weeping because a marriage is finally over.

Flown from one country to another in order to escort their friend home, because the friend had just had a cancer operation, and was too ill to travel by themselves. Doing this on their birthday, without telling the friend it was their birthday, because it was irrelevent to the travelling and the cancer.

Let a friend share a flat at no charge because the friend needed somewhere to stay, and was short of cash. (Three different flats, three different sets of help, here).

Oh this list is too difficult to write...

Look Xanatic, and Enthused, little girls of all ages may bitch and maneouver to get the good looking guys; but wise women of all ages are one of the founts of goodness and strength in this world. Just be amazed you are the same species, and be grateful to share a planet with us.

Just because you have not seen it, does not mean it isn't so.

Still deeply affronted.

agcB

As a male, but more importantly as a human being - to damn right A girl called Ben.

Thanks KCoB - you'd have thought it was pretty apparent from this thread - as well as thousands of others here - that sisterhood is still powerful.

agcB

sorry Ben, I never meant to offend you or any one else. I am glad that your experience of women is a positive one. I would be the first to admit that the h2g2 community regardless of sex are a great group of people. But this is the net...

Unfortunately I can only base my real life views on my experiences and no one else's. And my experiences are not very good. In fact they are shockingly bad...