h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*opens one bleary eye from the comfort of his delightfully upholstered armchair*

Gorn to the dogs I fear old boy. Bally staff need a sound beating what !

Whoa there, Mr. Dog. Now, I've got no complaints with what we're all quite chummy around here... not another place with such fine, upstanding gentlemen (mind the exception when Bassers is present)...

But I'll NOT be having you or any other chaps beating their staff in front of me! That's somethin' aught to be conducted in private, what with the assistance of a young philly.

If you please sir, beat your staff elsewhere.

*consults Club rule book*

Now look here old boy, hate to go all barrack-room lawyer on you dontcherknow but Rule 114b, sub-clause 54, article xiii, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence states quite clearly that a Chap may beat his own bally staff wherever the fancy bally well takes him.

Course beating another Chaps staff goes quite beyond the bounds of decency and a Chap would have to do the honourable thing and beat himself by means of recompense .... with or without a filly of course

*snorts*

Harumph!!

*mumbles something about lawyers and firing squads*

Carry on, then...

Eh? Wazzat?
Bally lawyers...put the lot of 'em up in front of a firing squad I say...Wot?

Whezzawiskey?
Service's gorn to the dorgs....
*mumbles*

I rather wondered whether I might be able to join some of you chaps for a drink and a banter whatnot. Whatdoyousay?

*Stirs slightly in his sleep. Makes unpleasant noise, like a saw being drawn slowly through a log. Mumbles the word 'balloon'. Goes back to peaceful snoring.*

So are we going to plan an Christmas Ball this year?



Bassman

*lifts last Christmas' Times from his head, peers about the room and coughs to clear the dust*

Did I hear Christmas ball...are those insatiable fillies back again for more? A good man needs his regenerative shuteye, you know...!

Where's that damned waiter with my single malt?

*mumbles about bad service ever since colonials started running the place, etc,etc.*

Didn't old Scrotum get shot or something - you'll have to wait a while before they find someone quite as old and inept to replace him....



Bassers

*Stumbles in*

Oy?! Where's this Christmas Ball gone off to?
*hiccup*

I just missed the bloody Halloween party over at the Valhalla Inn, don't tell me I'm late for this one, too! Damn this watch...

Who's made off with all the phillies?

Phillies - probably all up in Redder's room, helping him into his girdle.... gafaww gafaww



Squabbling Bleeder Bassers. D.F.C. N.F.I. and Bar.

*the sound of giggling comes from Redders rooms*

I SAY CHAPS....

We have an INTERLOPER in our midst!

One minute Red Dog is at the bar, the next it's ReddishDog.... Are they twins or something - or have I been outside in the sun for too long?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman N.F.I. D.F.C. and Bar.

What do they say about Mad Dogs and Englishmen old boy

Return of a legend what !

Even a legend won't find himself with a glass of MacLurcher's with this service...

* A patch of rubble stirs in the corner. Two figures arise, shaking dust from their tattered overcoats. Inspector Busterbone and his batman Kang have arrived! Busterbone eyes the unattended bar*

I say Kang, see if you can rustle up a McLurchers iced tea would you. My ulcers are playing up like a sailor on shore leave.

*Kang oozes towards the bar*

And after you've done that round up the staff for questioning.

*Kang raises one enquiring eyebrow*

Because my dear Kang, although it looks like this Conversation died a natural death, that is not the case.

*Kang raises a second eyebrow*

That's right Kang. *Busterbone looks directly at the camera* THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN MURDERED!!!!

*Kang raises a third eyebrow and falls over*

First things first Kang. We need to round up all the likely suspects. Unfortunately that means the members. Start digging Kang old boy.

*Wakes up festooned in cobwebs*

I say I'm rather parched!