h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I accept your challenge Bassers old chum.

Alas, I don't have a pistol but I do have a laser guided missile.

Also I never get up before 11am.

So, rather than pistols at dawn how about laser guided missiles at elevenish.

And rather than just limiting it to you and me, I think we should let everyone join in.

Does anyone else have a laser guided missile???

LASER GUIDED MISSILES....

Hurrruuummmmppphhhh

That's DASHED unsporting old boy - almost as unsporting as SOMEONE fitting that Chesterfield you're sitting on with remote controlled anti personnel mines....



Er.... I say.... I wonder what time it is.... I'll just check on m' old pocket watch.... er.... given to me on retiring from the regiment....

.....

DAMN AND BLAST....

I knew I'd forget to put the battery back in there if I borrowed it for m' hearing aid



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman D.F.C. N.F.I. and Bar

What?? Whats that????

You'll have to speak up. I removed the battery from my hearing aid to power THIS remote control device.

**removes small glowing device from cummerbund**

And when I press this red button...

** Suddenly 3 more elephants in parachutes crash through roof**

DAMN and BLAST !!!! They were supposed to be heat seeking enema missiles!!

Anyone for an elephant ride??

What - like I need an enema after that last elefunt came through the roof?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman D.F.C. N.F.I. and Bar

Anyone for a game of elephant polo?

I have some spare elephants in my backpack but you'll have to find your own shotguns.

Hmm. Awfullly quiet here in the Chaps Club. Everyone must have gone orf home for Xmas, what!

I, of course, don't have a family having been left as a baby at the door of an air force base.

But I do have Doris.

And although she may be plastic and inflatable she has the most wonderful circular smile.

Barkeep, give me another 40 gallon drum of whiskey and get me a naked barmaid will you.

Pip pip.

GONE ORF!?? Well I never...!
I'll have you know that I had a long bath just... whenwassitagain...last Sunday in October!

I say, BB, is your Dear Doris "conventional" or of the easlamic extremist variety...

...the ones that blow themselves up, eh?

HAARR-HAAR-HAARR....

*mutters: Cheeky blighter...Gone orf indeed...*

*has a good rollicking laugh at Busterbone's expense*

Wrinklers....

last Sunday in October....

That means it's only 17 Months and 10 days since your last bath.... Did you REALLY need it, or was it just a bit of an indulgence?

I can remember.... back in '57.... going 6 whole years without a bath....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman

BASSERS, DEAR BOY!

(Whoops! Sorry...mustn't wake the Club Chairman...)

Actually a delightful blonde WAAF with absolutely outstanding...er...personalities said: "I'm about to take a bath, would you care to join me...?" and I didn't have the heart to waste a good...um...opportunity to clean up my act, wot?

We made rather a mess on the bathroom floor as I recall...took my batman a devil of a time to clean it up, wot with her still in the tub and all...he was rather flushed in the face and even had soap suds on his moustache when he'd finished. But the bint seemed happy enough with his work...had a silly grin on 'er face after he'd left...

Have a snifter, will you...?

I thought you'd never ask old boy....

A McLurcher for me and one of those fine....

rolled-on-a-Cuban-virgin's-thigh

cigars as well....



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman K.F.S. D.F.C. N.F.I. and Bar

As for me, skip the McLurcher and the cigar, just give me the cuban virgin.

I say, does anyone want to see my war wounds.

Some of them are still festering, by gum.

By the way, I thought it might be time for a Chaps Club Valentines Day Dance at the Chaps Club Ballroom http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F75930?thread=165109 I'd consider it a personal favour if you were all to come. The dance starts now and goes on to Valentines Day. Please bring high class woman with low class morals. Toodle Pip!

Holy... a what? A Valentine's Day Dance?!?!

By jove, it's been years since the last one and it STILL brings a few tears to my eyes when I think about it...

What an idea, Busterbone! It shall be quite the gala...

Quite a gala indeed!!And maybe a few parrots as well, wot!

Maybe ruffle a few feathers, if you catch my drift that is.

Rorkes drift, of course.

A Gala occasion? Are we all going skinny-dipping then?

*Thinks: If so, I'll need to do a little ironing - the bod's a little creased here and there, eh?*

Considering the girth of the members I think "fatty dipping" might be more appropriate.

A gallon of whiskey anyone??

Gawd sakes, Busterbone... the reaction time's a bit muddy, is it?

'ere. Try a bit o' that whiskey--it'll set yer straight.

Thanks Apollo, old chap. Don't mind if I do.

Wheres that blasted barkeep got to?