h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Pops up from behind armchair with empty bottle of Glen Wobble in one hand and an A-grade Purdey side-by-side shotgun in t'other*

Is it partridge season ALREADY? Can't see'm - point me in the right direction, there's a good chap...!

Over there old boy, just by the flag on the 18th....



Damn and blast - thought you wanted to have a pop at one of those colonial chappies - HOLD ON.... The Partridge family WERE colonials - fire away old chap!!



Bassers.

Colonials? Where?

Hide the silver.

Actually... where *is* the silver? Didn't we already hide it somewhere last time?

So, find the silver and then hide it!

*finds and forcibly liberates the club silver from the V & A*

*a loud "PULL" is heard from the Dining Room, closely followed by gunfire, the sound of shattering crystal then several hurrahs*

~Redders annual Indoor Clay Pigeon Shoot has begun~

Hurrah!

ouch!

... Ohfortheloveof!

to the dining room

Did I hear you say clay? What the devil?

Standards must be dropping ... what's wrong with Ming china? Come now chaps ... it may be the 21st Century, but standards are standards ... actually, now that we've found the silver, could we not use it instead? Resounding and satisfying bonging noise when you hit and reusable ... don't say I don't think of the environment.

I say, the log basket appears to be empty, could someone get their batman to tell my batman to get off his softer end and pursuade some urchin to top up the teak ... nothing like a roaring hardwood fire to warm the cockles ...

*watches Inkers down a magnificent eight tier Chandelier with both barrels*

Well done old boy - my turn I fancy ?

*eyes a gaggle of servants waiting nervously by the door*

*reloads*

Why thank you, old chap.

That servant chappie on the right was, I believe, the one we've been hiding the silver from. But don't let me steer your aim, what.

*Discreetly steps away from the servant on the right*

*steps back even though is she actually some distance from any servant naturally*

What a frightful thing! Never had a close encounter with one of the great unwashed myself *blusters somewhat* well a stable lad don't count,what?

eh what, what? Infernal row in here all of a sudden. Just when a lady settles down to take 40 winks, somebody's startin' a noise in here. May have been 40000 winks come to think of it. Sure was quite in here. Servants you say? Do they serve drinks and underdone steaks and such or are they merely targets?

But does a stable lad count or not? Or am I the only one here with some'experience'(snigger)

Good for you my dear *mildly* but all the same, I'd keep in under the tea cozy, dontchaknow, a lady enjoys silently... or enjoys silence, which was the point i was makin' earlier.... where was I ... yes keep them under the cosy, the blond, the brown...

...and the ugly.

Right?
I'm not one for the moving pictures myself.

and the ugly? You wish!

*Tehe* that was way too easy!

Stable lad, eh gad no ... there was a bevy of girl grooms I had the, er, misfortune to have to discipline once ... took each one for a ride before breakfast, whereupon they shuffled off, giggling girlishly to go and look after their horses ... seems they didn't learn their lesson though. Took a good two months of bareback riding, crop in hand, for them to understand ...

~ from the Anteroom ~

KABOOOM!!

Ooops! I appear to have knocked through a gaping hole to the bally committee room.

* a rather surly looking gentleman enters the clubhouse.* Ahmm Might I speak to the Administer of this Fine Establishment. As a former Member and a of the Les Chiens Rouges, I would like to inquire as to if my membership is still valid. And whilst I wait might I have a pint of Ale to quench my lips Please.

Ah... Yes... Mr... (whispers: Did we used to call you Kidders? Seems a trifle odd, what!)

No need for a gentlemen to show his papers and all that. We always recognise a familiar face... or at least the old school tie, what? *guffaw*

Say. You, servant chappie. Get Kidders here a pint of the smooth stuff, would you? And while you're at it, call the mason about that hole in the Committee room wall. Can't have any old Tom Dick or Harry going through the confidential stuff, eh!

Jolly good shot, Redders.
Never could stand that painting of Lord Twainthorpe!