h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A recently recuperated Sven arranges the cushions on the sofa in the waiting room. There is a door open to the 's consulting rooms, through which can be seen an antique desk and deep leather armchairs. To the left there is a glass cabinet with ancient medical tomes, mostly with motifs on their leather spines. To the right there is an enormous medical case overflowing with medicines and potions. A door at the rear goes through to the surgery ( but you don't quite see the gruesome contents of that room)


Please ring the bell for attention and take a seat. Dr Feelgood will be with you shortly.

Oh, and if you feel the need, help yourself to some of the ship's rum whilst you wait.

shagbark presses the buttom
Oh Dear there is that ringing in my ears again.
Oh and I seem to have scratched my right ear loading barrels somewhere

Dr Feelgood is away having lunch, so you will have to ask the Hula girls to bandage your ear... if that's alright with you? They are *quite gentle!

*saunters in*

'ning

never mind me - i just came to read the papers

ooooh, there's the reader's digest from august '57

The Hula girls deliver a silver tray full of

they plump up the cushions and go away giggling
'Ooh, that Captain is so brave!'
'I wouldn't sit in that waiting room if it was me!'

did someone just bandage my ear with a grass skirt?

*cap finishes digesting the digest*

*rings the bell*

*wonders if the is in*

'Please come in - sorry to have kept you waiting out there, I've been away dealing with some cases of swine flu down in the hold. Some of those paparazzi from the Hotel are quite unhappy I gave them a dose of it.'




'Don't be so namby pamby!! He's a Pirate!! A bit of tar on a stick would suffice.'

'Now look Shagbark, the best thing to do with the old ear wound would be to hang this from it '




'Now Captain - how can I help you?'

Dr Feelgood/LB notices that the Captain has disappeared again

'He's good at that isn't he?'

Lanzababy clears a space on her operating table and arranges the bones of the unidentified person. She immediately spots that there is only one leg and one hand.

'So! a pirate then - that narrows the field down slightly'

there's something wrong with me leg

would you please check if the rubber stud is worn down and needs replacing?

My pleasure - but perhaps the time has come for an upgrade - please take a look in this catalogue.

Lanzababy hands the Captain a brochure entitled

"Artificial limbs for Pirates - the deluxe collection"

i'm not sure my health insurance will pay for a new one till this old ivory one is worn out completely and it seems to be indestructable and everlasting since neither fire nor shipworms can harm it

furthermore i would hate to have to freemantle anything from you and being a i couldn't possibly pay you

but thanks for fixing me stud

Fairy 'nuff Sire!

notice on Consulting Room door.

Any Officer or Crew needing urgent medical attention should report to Sven, who will dispense tea and sympathy.

Dr Feelgood has gone fishing and will return to her Surgery at some time or other.

In emergencies please use and

*dons , jumps into and heads for nearest bakery because he's fresh out of hardtacks*

*returns with a sack of hardtacks and disappears into secret quarters*

Removes sign from the door and replaces it with one that says

'Open for business' 'Leave your weapons in the umbrella stand'


Opens medical book about sleep problems...

'Hmmmm...'

16 hours later Dr Feelgood is heard gently snoring ( in a piratey but ladylike manner). Her head is slumped on her tooled leather desk; the book about sleep problems has fallen to the floor.




Sven tiptoes in and takes a look, tiptoes out and shuts the cabin door.

Wha---ah?




So - when I next see Shagbark I can prescribe him something for his sleep problem.