h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Knock as much as you like... i can't hear a thing with these earmuffs on.
Just enter ( as long as the green light is lit ) by turning all those handles around the watertight door to a vertical position, and pulling sharply to overcome the difference in air pressure.
If the green light is flashing, and there is an 'R' in the month, you must under no circumstances enter the generator room without wearing full Kevlar body armour and carrying a rolled up copy of yesterdays 'Times'.
If the RED light is on please make sure that you are carrying some or !!! before entering at your peril.

Everybody is welcome... it's a bit like hanging round in the kitchen at parties...you know, THIS is actually one of the MAJOR nerve centres on this vessel, everything comes together here...power from the solar panels, the wind vanes, the ion stream collectors and the methane powered generators... sorry?...you wanted to know where the methane comes from?...i'll probably get into that later but if all else fails then my trusty hamsters Martin and Thomas can get up to about 18volts each on these little treadmills here.

If ever you are wondering where all that energy that you expend in the pirates gymnasium up on G deck goes, well just keep pedalling in the knowledge that you are contributing to the energy needed to run the CAPTAIN'S air conditioner. Thankyou very much.

As you look around you will see the various control panels, monitoring systems, switchgear, paralleling apparatus all stretching off into the distance... DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING... thankyou.

If you need to borrow any tools...fawget about it.

There may be occasional fluctuations in power due to sunspot activity, hurricanes, market volatility... or the fact that there's no-one in the gym but these problems should be easily overcome as soon as a liaison is established between the energy generation committee and the galley "this weeks menu" (more beans and artichokes)
sub-committee. Thankyou for your cooperation.

alec.

The Phillips on the port side is a bit loose ... You wouldn't have a Phillips screwdriver I could borrow would you?

Hi, just wondering if you have a teeny weeny bit of light oil I can have for my sewing machine? Running up all those sheets for DM and repairing the sail following our last fracas has lead to squeak!

Should you require any clothing, soft furnishings, rags for rubbing down your generators, please call in to the Sewing Room.

*shouts something but is unable to hear it himself - decides to leave a note instead*

"Hi, Alec! Nice of you to keep my a/c running. Help yourself to all the and you want - just be careful when you handle heavy machinery then, okay? "

*wow...visitors...straightens tie, adjusts zip on gofaster monkey suit, checks reflection in gleaming chrome cylinder head covers for remains of spinach roll between teeth...*

"Good afternoon, welcome to the generator room...
Captain with your permission i will deal with Caerwynns request first
...I have some 3in1,a little 6-56, some vintage NASA jojoba oil,some spanish EXTRA-VIRGEN olive oil (*can't think what that is doing on THIS boat*)i have some premium synthetic engine oil, baby oil, peanut oil (with ginger and garlic) and...wait...whats in this little can that says "SINGER SEWING MACHINES " on it?...here you go C.
By the way i'll take any cotton rags (no synthetics please) that you have...just throw them down the chute that i've just finished putting in.Ta."

alec.*astounded and suddenly struck sheepish by Caerwynn's great beauty*

Alec, you are an

I will save all my cotton scraps for you

*still unable to dismiss the thought of Caerwynn actually rubbing down his generators*

Kes... i know all about that screw on the port side thats loose,
but you will find everything you need to make yourself a screwdriver right here in my 'SlapOn' Rollaway Steel Punch Fridge,including the juice.

*wonders briefly who 'phillips' is*

alec.

aye aye Cap'n Proust
glad to be of service sir...thanks for the note...funny you should mention it sir but just what i need is a handle for some of this heavy equipment sir...shouldnt be too expensive, but then we could always...well ...borrow one from the next er ship that we er...come across... maybe...you know, just before we slit any throats, or leave them all to their own devices on some richly stocked and sumptuous tropical island with only the beautiful islanders for company... p'raps we could er borrow their heavy equipment handle...er ...sir?

alec

*alec...rushes off to the far end of generator room, muttering something about frequency moderation*
"Tell cabin #23 to turn off the hair dryer or we probably won't have enough power for the infinite improbability drives...then we probably won't be able to go anywhere...by the way...we are going SOMEWHERE aren't we Cap'n Purse??"

Hi Alec ... don't get a cross head worrying about the Phillips guy!

look...(aside) i've heard about this phillips bloke...he's been on a lot o'boats and they all mysteriously sank or got sold.
His partner's a man called 'allen' and they both work for some kingpin by the name of 'Cotter'. I'd exspline this further but i think someones been screwing around with the backlog pumps again.
ssshh...alec**

OK ... *taps side of nose* ... I'll fix the loose thingummy some other way ... Maybe I've been hitting it with the wrong sized spanner!

*removes tap (#10 x 24tpi.) from side of Kes' nose, inserts #10 x 3/4" stainless steel set-screw,(with posidrive head) (having first applied 'Tef-Gel' to prevent corrosion and facilitate later removal)*

"Care for a nylock nut or plain with spring washer ?...Kes..?...are you alright?

Now you look like a real pirate!...did you know that a 1x1 lego brick will snap straight onto the head of that?"

alec...

MMMppppfff? I'b dot quide uthed do id yed!

*impressed with kes' action of self-mutilation, alec does same to own nose*
"aaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh"

I toad ewe id wud hurd!

*recovers consciousness...checks reflection...wonders where #10 screw through nose came from...makes mental note to see if there isnt something about it jamming one of the backlog pumps.*
"Oh gosh...that really hurts"
*polishes cylinder head covers*
alec.**

* a soft thump at the bottom of the chute announces a delivery, followed by a disembodied voice...*

Mr Trician, here are some neatly hemmed rags for you.

I hope your generators can cope with just a few lights through the rigging for next Monday?

Do you ever come out of there? I am sure it must be against HSE regs to be permanently working.

wow... rags!!! all cotton too !!!!!!! now things can really sparkle down here... thankyou Caerwynn, these will be most useful.
I will be able to take care of any extra loading you may present in the form of lights through the rigging or any other sort of dubious activity requiring power, through the MEGAWATTS provided by those using the gym this evening. Thankyou all v.much.
Actually C i think i might get out of here for a while...i have a tan line where my socks sit that i need to work on and it is probably time for a haircut.
alec.**

*polishes cylinder head covers*
*wonders where we are*
*wishes now that he'd bought that "my little g.p.s." in that novelty store back in Gib.*
*wonders where everyone else is*

alec.