h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lands with a thump in a soft and clean pile of rags*

Wow! I've never been down here! I would clean but everything's already Spick and Span! And look at those Chrome cylinder head covers!


Mr. Alec! Hello! Great Job, sir! Got any in your Slap-on rollaway steel punch cabinet?

'oh hi plato, glad you could er make it, thats the chute from the sewing room isn't it?...hows caerwynn? this is frank kefka in the pink earmuffs here, don't worry, he can't hear a thing, just smile and wave. Not sure what he's after but ludwig should be here soon.

*rolls out 'slap-on' rollaway steel punch cabinet*
'i've got all sorts of in here,and rum from just about every island in the caribbean, can i offer you gentlemen some refreshment?

alec.

Thanks for the , do you have any of those little brollies?

*astounded*
'brollies????????????...look, this is the generator room, not the tourist lounge up on C deck !!!!!!!!!......brollies indeed.
*mutters, mumbles and curses under breath*
*removes platos fingerprints from shiny chrome cylinder head covers with fresh 100% cotton rag from Ms.Caerwynns sewing room*

*alec polishes off cylinder head covers AND Grenada rum and chirimoya punch

alec.

I gotta have my brollies!

[Kefka] [putting on the earmuffs] Well then get 'em yourself! Me? Oh, no, I just want to ... hang around this generator that would create a REALLY BIG kablooie if someone were to set up it the bomb ...

[Janine] [rushing in] Aha!

[Kefka] Arrgh! Curses!

[Janine] You've used that line before.

[Kefka] Oh, have I? Look, I'm innocent! INNOCENT!

[Janine] [very skeptical] Oh, and you'd prefer the thought of senseless destruction over the actual perpetration?

[Kefka] Look, with Q hanging around me like an albatross on a neck, it's a wonder I get to use so much as a squib!

[Q] [appearing] You got THAT right!

Right...

...you know, you should write to the Readers Digest,...
they've got a page for people like you.

alec.

...*hoping that this last posting would confuse kefka, alec reaches over and opens methane valve next to kefkas right trouser leg.

*the highly inflammable gas seeps into kefkas clothing...*

'care for a Havana kef, Fidel is an old friend and sends me these from his personal stash...here...let me give you a light...'

alec.

Ahoy Alec! Could you do us all a favour and fit Archangel Galaxy Babes cabin with an anti-rolling device? The sea doesn't become her and in order to protect our planks... well, I guess you get the picture? In technicolor? (Certainly *not* a Kodak-moment )

'aye aye Cap'n Pugwash sir,
erm...actually, this tub being the size it is we don't roll at all, hardly even go up and down with the tide,
the roll is synthetic, designed to give the impression of being on a much smaller vessel, and is set individually for each cabin.
There is a control on the wall, next to the muzak volume control...
i bet someone made a mistake and turned the wrong knob in AGB's cabin, that's why she's been pitching and rolling so much Cap'n Prakash sir.

If you wish, i could go down there and give her a tweek sir...?

alec

That may be worth a try (if only I knew what a tweek is )

[Kefka explodes. The explosion, however, has a pinkish tint to it.]

[Janine] PINK?? Okay, who's the special effects manager??

[Special Effects Manager] I'm doing it on purpose!

[Janine] Huh?

[The explosion clears, revealing that Kefka hasn't been hurt a bit, and that next to him is standing ... well, imagine Sephiroth with Kefka's head, voice, and laughter.]

[New Character] Vwee hee hee hee~!

[Kefka] Vwee hee hee hee~! Now there's TWO of me! Now I can cause twice as much destruction!

[New Character] No you won't! /I/ will cause it all! I am NEO-KEFKA!

[Kefka] Oh, that's original.

[Neo-Kefka] It was the best I could come up with in the six seconds since my creation. Er, anyway, you won't cause the destruction! You'll be a bit too dead! Vwee hee hee hee~!

[Neo-Kefka approaches the generator.]

[Janine] Oh no you don't!

[Neo-Kefka turns around and Janine rushes over to him. As soon as she reaches him, the screen blurs out of focus and then fades to black, accompanied by the background music stopping abruptly and also a "whoosh" noise. It fades into a location that could be just about anywhere in the Generator Room, but lacks any identifying features. Janine, Kefka, Pierce, and Alec are arranged on the right-hand side of the screen, facing Neo-Kefka, who is in the middle-left of the screen. Music: the Boss Theme from Final Fantasy 9.]

[Neo-Kefka] I will defeat you!

[Janine] A Boss Battle?? Hmph.

...errr sorry cap'n Parish, a tweek is one of these highly technical terms for a precision operation involving the digital devices at the ends of the arms and a small screwdriver.

alec

...allow me to tweek this situation we seem to have going on here Cap'n Preece sir...
*rolls out 'slap-on' rollaway punch cabinet, pulls out bottle of icey-cold Theakstons, drinks all in one, punches Neo-kef right on the nose, then bonks him on the head with the empty bottle.

'can i interest anyone else in a cold one?'

alec

Yes please - but leave out the bonk, will you?

...aye aye cap'n Porridge sir...take a look in here...

*opens third drawer down to reveal large selection of favourite beer from all over the world*

...what do you fancy Cap'n Partridge ?...Tsing Tao,Bass Blue Triangle,
Peroni, Trappisten...oh here's one for you :St. Pauli Girl,just look at the label sir...

alec

I like Theakstons too, you know. Plus the special ales from The York Brewery

Actually I am not very particular when it comes to beer

*sadly closes third drawer,...opens side cabinet,...offers Captain Peters a slightly warm Heineken*

'Got lots of rum if you like, everything here for a good
plenty of spanish too...

by the way Cap'n Paiste, erm ...whereabouts are we at the moment?

I've been looking for Mr. Navigator Kes but haven't seen him...

alec

* enters*

*sniff, sniff*

*tilts head, confused*

*stands immediately in front of generator, growling at Neo-Kefka*