h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*alec is putting the finishing touches to an old talkie toaster,heavily modified to make internet toast. The bench is littered with parts, circuit cards, strawberry ram and breadcrumbs...*

'there, that should do it...'
*presses large 'TOAST IT NOW' button*
*plumes of smoke emerge from talkie toaster, and a shaky cybervoice announces :

"The toast you have selected is currently unavailable, please try again later or leave a sandwich when you hear the bleep..."

alec

Hey - the LED display is showing a 404 error. What does that mean?

* knocks and enter *

* sees quite a mess on the workbench *

How is it going? I thought you might like some (with rum)

Oh ... not too bad ... considering .... still a few bugs to fix ....

* passes Kes a with rum *

*Consumes the drink*
*Connects the red wire to the pink wire*
*Cuts the blue wire*
*Inserts RJ11 connector into RJ45 socket (firmly)*
*Fits case back onto toaster\printer*
*Discovers there are 5 small screws, 7 washers and a small PCB still lying on the workbench*
*Shrugs*
There! Done!

* climbs down to the generator room *

Morning! I thought you might like some to help with the toaster project! How is it coming along?

The hardware is ready .... just waiting for A. to load the operating software, and we'll give it a spin!

Sounds good

What topping are you going to go for first?

Keep it simple at first, I think ... I'll go for a nice runny lemon curd. Still haven't figured out how to get the chunks in chunky marmalade through the jets, you see ....

Oh hot toast and lemon curd I have not had that for ages! More ?

*a diamond plate hatch in the generator room floor opens up...enter alec, the white overalls are caked in classic goo...he squeezes through the hatchway, then pulls up several large pieces of antiquated plumbing*
...oh er ...hail fellow crewpersons...sorry i had to leave you with the talkie-toaster project kes...i think the 404 was for me.

i had to go through the entire backlog pumping system again...people forget that we're not on land you know...you wouldn't believe the stuff they try and stick down there...enough of me, how is the project going, what can i do, is there any of that left?

alec

*unable to resist the temptation, alec presses the large red 'TOAST IT NOW' button ...toaster leaps into action then pauses...turns to alec and says:*

'hold it right there technician trician...you just broke one of the major rules of netiquette there, you can't just come in here, press my buttons and start writing dialogue for me, without first giving me the opportunity of taking evasive action...'


*talkie toaster jumps off the bench, kicks alec in the overalls and runs off to a corner of the generator room *


'er ...bit feisty ...'

alec

Yes, it seems to be developing a character of its own ..... Well, when you've stopped bending over clutching your overalla and groaning, I was rather hoping you could catch the toaster and load Telnet\TCP\IP into it ...Then we can take it to the bar for a proper test ......

Morning, how are my two favourite technical chaps today? I thought you would like some refreshments

* passes to Kes and with rum to Alec *

Umm why is the toaster talking to itself over in the corner?

*Accepts *
Thank you, Light. In answer to your questions, I'm fine, Alec is a bit under the weather, and the toaster is having a minor existentialist crisis, but we're trying to debug it.

Well if anyone can sort it out then the two of you can

Will the toaster always be prone to moods and phylosophical attacks?

They reckon that if you upgrade to Service Pack 2, most of that is fixed ....
*Kneels down and addresses toaster*
Come on then , little chap ... coochie cooochie ... come on out ... nobody's going to hurt you ....

Oh its actually quite a cute toaster! Seems rather like a cat, do you think it would help if we offered it some milk?

Never thought of that ... we could try ......