h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I changed the name of the hammer. It's now the Hammer of Light instead of Hammer of God, because it simply wouldn't be fantasy with just one god. One god is boring. Plus it's rather obvious that you should be using the Hammer of Light to destroy the Heart of Darkness. Anyway, on with the show.



Dawn. The rising sun is barely visible beyond the lush hills upon which Orion, the capital of Zion, stands in all its majestic glory. The bronze statues and the impressive stained glass windows of the Temple of the Gods gleam in the morning sunlight. Our heros have just stepped out of the temple, having received their holy quest. They find that the town square has suddenly become very crowded; today is the first day of the annual market. Salespersons bellowing, customers haggling, jesters jesting, children laughing -- in short, the place is chaotic, loud and also rather smelly.


* Azrael gives the other adventurers a disdainful look. *

[Azrael, muttering] Bunch of religious..
[Azrael, louder] Ok, let's get one thing straight right now. I'm not out to save the world or anything. I couldn't care less what happens to it, it never did me any good. I'm just in it for the money, ok?

* looks around *

[Azrael] Anyway, since we'll be travelling together we might as well know each other's names. I'm Azrael. Who are you people?

[Ribald] I'm Ribald, I'm a warrior.

[Lampwick] I'm Lampwick, a henchman.

[Ribald] She didn't ask you.

She?!

*A small creature flutter-buzzes up from the ground in a cloud of dust and hovers at roughly human head-height. It is most definitely a fairy. This particular fairy is in the shape of a foot-tall woman, and does not glow or sparkle or wear clothes made of spiderwebs as might be expected. If she were five times the height she is, she would look like a normal human traveller, with her braided hair and belted tabard and cuffed boots.*

[Indy] I'm Indy,

*and she points back to the ground, at a multicoloured cat wearing saddlebags*

[Indy] ...and that's Flossflower.

[Flossflower] (distractedly) Nyao...

*The fairy hangs in midair, observing the crowds with an air of skepticism.*

[Indy] I don't usually hire myself out to religious causes, but I've got a funny feeling about this one. I'm coming along to see what's what, at least.

[Azrael] Ok. A fighter, a henchman and a fairy. As for me, I've picked up a few things here n' there, so I guess you might call me an assassin mage or... forget it. Just call me Azrael.

* He checks his pouches, adjusts the sword sheath and pulls up the hood of the black cloak he's wearing. *

[Azrael] We ought to buy food and some horses. Well, at least I need one, I don't know about you. It's quite a long way to Mount Olympos, and we're on a rather tight schedule. I have a feeling they won't give us the money if that demon freak is set loose.

* He looks at the cat. *

[Azrael] How fast is.. the cat? Can it keep up with a horse?

[Ribald starts laughing]

[Lampwick thinks, "Uh-oh."]

[Ribald] Who needs a horse? Who needs a cat? We've got right here ... A HENCHMAN!

[Lampwick] In addition to carrying all our supplies, all our extra weapons, any items we find we need, and anything that isn't nailed down, I have to carry you guys as well, AND A HORSE??

[Ribald] Yeah. What's your point?

[Lampwick] ... Nothing.

* Azrael just gives Ribald and Lampwick a blank look. *

[Azrael] I will not be carried around like I'm some kind of baby. I can take care of myself; I'd be walking if it weren't for the fact that we're in a hurry. I'll buy a horse and I'll ride the horse, thank you.

* Looks around to see if a salesperson nearby has horses for sale. Heads off towards a corral. *

[Ribald] Fine. Anyone else who wants, climb aboard the merchandise.

[Ribald climbs up among the large amount of stuff that Lampwick is carrying.]


If you've seen the comic book "Nodwick" you'll get the idea. And if you haven't, go to the obvious URL, [URL removed by moderator]

*Indy and Flossflower look at each other and shrug (which cats are very good at). The latter leaps nimbly aboard the pile of junk, apparently unhindered by her own baggage, and the former flits upward and settles lightly on the very top.*

I have to warn you guys, on weekends I usually spend a lot of time online; but on weekdays I might only be able to post once a day, if that often.

* Azrael returns with a sleek black steed, adjusting the saddlebags.*

[Azrael] So, are we all..

* He spots the Tower of Lampwick. *

[Azrael] *sigh* Ok, let's go.

* He mounts the horse. *

[Azrael] Mount Olympos is north of here, so first we'll have to cross the Wastelands and then there's that mountain range.. (what do they call it?) ..Dragon's Teeth. The only things we have to worry about in the Wastelands are lowly thugs and bandits. Should be safe sailing.

<TOTALLY OFF TOPIC & OOC>
Way comic book. I read it all in one go, and suddenly I have a use for these:
</TOTALLY OFF TOPIC & OOC>

Good for you.

* The adventurers set forth, Azrael on his steed, Ribald, Indy and Flossflower on Lampwick, who's nose is almost noticeably bigger than just a minute ago. They leave Orion, and the sun comes up to greet them as they travel across the green hills of Zion. *

[Azrael] Let's see... The next full moon... A bit more than half a month, I think. Crap, it'll take us that long just to get to Mount Olympos if we don't go any faster! Let's see what this animal can do. Hee-yah!

* Azrael's horse gallops off. *

[Ribald reaches into a box of HenchSnax and gives Lampwick a biscuit. Lampwick starts running very fast, and he begins to outrun Azrael's horse]

[Azrael] Hey, is that some kind of magic?!


Amphetamine, dead mule, Star Trek reference. Brilliant.

Or maybe it was mach, not warp. Who cares, it was funny.

[Ribald] [still holding the HenchSnax box] There's enough amphetamines in this stuff to make a dead mule do warp 7.

*Flossflower is clinging with all of her claws to a bedroll, and gives Indy a resigned look. Indy beams back at her.*

[Indy] Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!

[Azrael] Drugs?! You'll wear out your hor.. uh, henchman in a matter of hours! That can't..

* Suddenly, everything Lampwick is carrying crashes against something extremely hard. Azrael checks his horse and watches as Flossflower, Indy and Ribald smack against a very large man's chest, while Lampwick runs straight between his legs and then manages to knock himself unconscious against the only tree within a radius of three miles. Azrael sighs. *

The large man looks a lot like Conan, only bigger.

[Large Man] Huh? What ahh yoo dooing? Nanoc will kill yoo foh this!

* Nanoc, the large man who speaks of himself in third person, draws his sword and assumes a pose in which he can flex his extreme muscles. *

* Azrael unimpressedly unmounts and draws his sword. The dark blade shines eerily. He takes a few steps forward, and the hood of his cloak casts a foreboding shadow across his eyes which makes him look even more menacing than usual. With a sudden flash, the sword is enveloped by red flames. He poses. *

[Azrael] Go ahead and try.

[[Tsunami]]

[Ribald, using a piece of Magicite from a previous adventure, summons Leviathan, a sea serpent, which proceeds to knock Nanoc about with a really big wave.]

[Ribald] I'm afraid your plan to kill us is all wet.