h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i was told to report here for something... i do not quite remember what, being that i have a rather short attention span. i was dreaming of ways to annoy other people and wondering if there were any interesting superhero plans i could screw up... i would also like to apply for the, uh... spork-fu job... i've been training since i can remember and i still have almost all of my fingers. i am also skilled in thumbwars and mercy... and i know the secrets of the evil boy band torture... always a useful asset.

Alright: The Spork Fu is actually me... That ad meant that I was for hire as a hench-villain. I've also got an ad for anyone who wants to join the crew of my spaceship, the Raven, though most the positions there are filled. This forum is where you can list all of your own evil assets, and I'll list them on this page like I have done my own. You can also advertise that you are hiring hench-villains if you have a dastardly plan!

/Red

*Walks in, wearing a cloak and hood*

Listing skills? Alright...

I've been hatching evil/annoying plans since the age of seven, stopped for a few years, but started again at age ten. I already have seven step-by-step plans for global domination. I am skilled in physical combat, seeing as I have had centuries to hone my skill with pretty much every known weapon, and the fact that I have poisonous venom, retractable claws, prehensile tounge (capable of strangling most people), eyes that can see in near pitch blackness, and can jump over fifty feet (either straight up or forward).

Over the centuries, I have developed outstanding skills in science (especially biological technology-I was human once), alchemy, and have been known to look into the field of magic to suit my purposes.

All in all, I'd say my biggest strength is plotting. Seeing the bright line between the situation now, and what I want. What's the word for that... Manipulation! That's my primary skill.

Skills? Skills? We're supposed to report here too? Oh, all right. It's evil, but I'm always willing to go along with an evil plan.

My main skill is the ability to turn into a wolf at will. A big one, too. Comes in handy when you need to scare someone down to their primeval core - one howl at close range and they'll be needing to change underwear. I can also be pretty lethal in my wolf form (think of slavering fangs), particularly since I can still think like a human. An evil human, that is.

*changes into wolf form*

Awoooooooooooooooo.

*changes back into human form*

There. Did I scare ya?

No, but keep in mind that I've been spending a lot of my time in not reacting to things. I still remember the picture they took in the Tower of Terror. I need to retake that one.

He scared me, but only because I know what he's capable of -- he just helped me capture Chrome101 in another forum.

Alright, I'll put your skills on this page for quick and easy reference! I can even give you each your own personal threads for this page, so that people can contact you personally. It'll take but a moment.

This page has just been updated. Afgncaap5, your thread is entitled "For Hire: Evil Mastermind" and can be located at http://www.h2g2.com/F40839?thread=61056 Garius Lupus, your thread is entitled "For Hire: Werewolf" and can be found at http://www.h2g2.com/F40839?thread=61055 Think of this as a STUMPED answering service. This way, if anyone wants you for a specific dirty deed, they can contact you on a STUMPED oriented page, so you know what's coming. I'd suggest you bookmark your own threads.

May I?

Trained as a mercenary since a young age, I have developed many skills usable for evil in all sorts of combat methods. As a side project I was allowed to set up a solar forge, which is where I creted this katana. I've practiced with it for over 600 years. When I was the age of 153 I recieved the Lordship from my father. At this point I left the mercenaries and recieved several enhancements to my person. First, I was given neuromuscular augmentation, in which my nerves were replaced with a superconductive system, giving me near impossible agility and my nuscles were replaced with a myo-polymer substance increasing my strength and speed. My skeleton was infused with a special blend of titanium, molybdenum, and tungsten. My skin has even been mixed with a special type of steel for durability. Over the next several hundred years I've studied near every martial arts style as well as most ancient fighting arts like archery and swordplay. I've also dabled in psyonics, allowing me to mentally control certain energies, giving the appearance that I have limited abilities at magic.

Recently I have acquired this Ghost suit which I find very becoming for evil. And the cloaking field really makes it very evil indeed.

By the way Garius, are you part of the Garou? Or are you a different class of werewolf?

I recognize the name Garou from somewhere ....

No, can't remember. Anyway, I am in a class all of my own. Usually werewolves have to wait until a full moon to change form, but I can change form at will.

Nice suit, by the way.

Garou are the WhiteWolf RPG species of werewolf, they have the ability to change at will by expending rage. If this is indeed yours, what is your auspice and tribe?

Alright Grey, your personal STUMPED message board is located at http://www.h2g2.com/F40839?thread=61311&post=450757

Very nice Red, I thank you. Very concise as well, something I need to work on...

Oh you're totally welcome. I just paraphrase them so that they look like classified advertisements. Your style works perfectly for a personal bio!

Howdy. I believe this is the forum where you sign on officially for STUMPTED or something so I would like to, once and for all, explain my super-powers.
I am, for a start and quite importantly I suppose, evil. Whenever evil calls I hastily jump into a phone booth in order to don the mantle of the legendary (well, I like to think so) Brian Damage. The mantle to which I refer consists of a state of the art designer supervillain suit with y-fronts on the outside in the true oldfashioned batman stylee. I make this look EVIL. I have a long flowing red cape that flows majestically in the wind which conveniently matches my demonic red eyes which are surrounded by a black Zorro style mask. If you have my image in your mind I also, weather permitting, regularly sod the plastic breastplate and show off my wonderful hairy chest to demonstrate just how hard I am.
Now onto my powers: the deadliest of them all is my my mighty afro. Complementing my exquisite suit the big, black mass of hair has, in its prime, been known to swallow up entire African nations. Another skill which I am equally proud of is my abiltity to see through any material as long as it is tissue paper and only about a millimetre in thickness. Impressive as this is, I have been known to see through several inches of the stuff. I mist confess, however, that it was a wet day. Sorry for babbling on but I am proud of my evilness.
Oh, and did I mention that I fish regularly...superheroes that is.

hmm... it seems everyone has described themselves physically except for me... since i have a moment, i think i will remedy that.
i am about 5'8" with light blonde hair and evil green eyes. i run around fishing the good guys in miniskirts and skimpy little tube tops, to go with my combat boots. i sometimes wear a black velvet cloak, but only if i want to be able to hide in the shadows (or if it's chilly) i love the rain, it rejeuvanates my powers, although i can go for years between rainstorms. i can also create my own little storms, should the desire arise... i have already mentioned my spork-fu, mercy, and thumbwar training... i also enjoy using my skills in the evil boy-band torture... i can teleport and shape-shift, but with this nice of a shape, why would i?
oh yeah, and i say this a lot, but never forget: evil should never look this good...

Well, Grey, I didn't know about those werewolves. And as far as I know, I am a one-member tribe all by myself. The Garius tribe to be exact. I don't have to expend anything to change forms at will, other than some will.

*Grins. Changes form into a wolf. Changes back to human. Grins.*

See?

ohh we're supposed to post it here? opps well umm I posted it in the other one but ok just go um look there k. :-) http://www.h2g2.com/F40839?thread=62562&post=460773

Red isn't here right now, so you'll have to wait for your ad to be put on the page. So, let's keep this forum busy so he knows to update when he comes back.

okk umm busy, busy, busy. Oh you know what we (the newly innitiated members of STUMPED) should do as our first offical dasterdly act?
We need to find CHOPPERs home page (Unless we already know where it is and no-ones told me) and Attack it. We could sneak a forum onto it and post attackish posts and see how much damage we can do before they see it. Well tell me what you think.

Found there home-page have you noticed that they have been trying to hide it? It not on any of their members pages or in the forums that I've seen. But I have found it so let us my fellow evildoers spring to actioin and besmirch there home with many foul and steenky deeds.