h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*DD returns to his post in engineering and notices E*

Are ye sure ye know what yer doing lassie?

The Beatles are here too? Perhaps they know where the captain is...

Pan: Captain Hook??!?!?!?! I'll cut him from the tip of his toe to the top of his head! I'll slice him, dice him, quarter and hang him, stick my sword so far up his stomach that he'll have digestion problems for weeks.

Right, these factors all have to link....

We gots Peter Pan
A dimenstion full of cookware
Walls that turn into melted ice cream
A missing captain

Who would live in a house like this? DD, its over to you....

I think only a masterchef from the Blue kitchen of Cardassia would be capable of something so dastardly.

Yes, but where do the Biros fit in? The masterchefs from the Blue kitchens of Cardassia are renowned to being allergic to biros!
Something does not fit.

I think it is my shoes. They seem to have gotten smaller.

I hate it when the jigsaw piece doesn't fit...

*Ponders what this us all leading up to*

Pan, how about this: Will you *please* let the captain go?

I don't think so, Affy. You like games, don't you? Here's one for you, and only you. Can't wait to see the other crew members faces! You'll be lost forever! Ha!

*Affy's eyes glaze over, but a grin soon covers his face*

What in the Horsehead Nebula is Pan up to? I think it wants us to win.

Hang on... *Pan* has the Captain...I thought U had him... Or was U just trying to lead us here so that Pan could...erm...

Am I losing it...? I think I may be...

Walls turning into icecream isn't good for you...

*E decides not to bother & returns to staring at the warp core readouts because ultimately, everything ends up coming down to the warp core...*

*Can hear what E was saying*

I thought Pan and U were the same. This is confusing. Also, why would Pan give me such an easy game? You'd thyink he would know better.

WARLOCK'S TOWER

With your sorcerous skills, you have uncovered the secret tower of the Warlock Krill! He doesn't appear pleased at your discovery, though.

Krill is chanting an ancient curse, and the foundations of the tower are being shaken to their roots!

>CAST THE GOLMAC SPELL AT KRILL

You won!, and take your seat in the circle of enchanters.

>QUIT

*Eyes stop being glassy*

That was easy. Pan gave me a Zork game! Stupid Pan . . .

*Finds himself in a game of Pong*

Uh-oh.

*E is confused for a little while longer before she finally thinks that she might have an idea... Perhaps U works for Pan...after all...he kidnaps the Captain & takes him to the pan dimension...where Pan has him... Ah...OK... E thinks she might have found a way of understanding...*

*E looks at one of the control panels & is slightly shocked to see a game of pong in progress on it...*

Strange, didn't think you got games on these things...

Hmm...

*E taps the control panel...having no effect on the game of pong at all...but allowing her to realise that the warp core does indeed allow strange things to be seen that wouldn't usually be seen...*

Er, so how can we sort everything out and make me normal again. I don't like being a red biro.

PINK BIRO: I don't like being a pink biro either.

CROZ: Who said that?

PINK BIRO: I did. I'm Wendy and I'm currently a pink biro. I was turned into one by U.

CROZ: I didn't turn you into a biro.

PINK BIRO: No not you, U from the Pan Dimension.

*Enter a peice of paper*
Paper: Horthgyrgthy ghtytarew ajoutr
Wendy Biro: Does anyone speak papyrus?

*Due to the fact that he is trapped in a game of Pong, Affy can't suggest his brand new Universal Translation Device (You guessed it: Crater Labs, Inc.)*

Okay, just move it that way, and . . . VICTORY!!!

Okay, I'm back. Sorry for the insult, Pan.


*Notices complete, total chaos. The warp core isn't affected, though*

Hmmmm . . . EVERYONE, FOLLOW ME!

*Picking up the members of the crew who are transformed into inanimate objects, he jumps at the warp core, and dissapears . . .*

*The crew materialise in a huge chamber, resembling a throne room of some description. Pan sits on the throne. U is standing beside him. At the other end of the room, tied to a torture device, half-nekkid and bleeding, is the Captain. He looks up at them all.*

Well, you lot took your blimmin' time, didn't you?

Pan stands up and, noting the looks on the crew's faces, begins singing to the tune of "Be My Guest" from Beauty and the Beast.

Pan: Take my test, take my test,
Find out which of you's the best,
Solve my little mental riddles or forever be my guest
Understand it's pretend when I turn you into pens
You won't try to leave now, will you? Because if you do I'll kill you...
Look deep into your soul, try to figure out my goal, because when you do I'm sure you'll be impressed,
You better have a guess you'll never leave unless you
Take my test, please take my test!

Oh, Ok. But how about a little hint, huh?

By the way, you wouldn't happen to have something to do with Horrible Somethings, would you?

Do you also get to phone a friend, ask the audience, or do a 50/50?

*Pan considers it for a bit, & nods...then realises there's no audience to ask, then clicks his fingers so that a jeering audience appears out of thin air*

*The audience jeered loudly*

OK, so what's the test...?

Well, whatever it is, we'll pass it.

*Notices dubious glances from some nameless extras*

Oh, come on. We're the good guys, right?

*Audience jeers*

I don't think we should trust them if we ask. Okay, everyone, huddle!

*Waits for crew to assemble a huddle*

Okay, now, did anyone see that torture device? Anyone know where my evil castle could get one of those?