h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

geez these echoes are scary

Is that the dimension where Peter Pan lives?

I don't know, most likely. I mean since this is some sort of weird dimension anything is possible.

*Notices that for some reason BB and the rest of the crew and the ship seem to be getting bigger*



Er, why are you all getting bigger?

We're not. You are just turning into a red biro.
With a hole in the side, underneath the phrase "bic"...

*E looks around, feeling a little confused by everything... AFter all...she was sure she'd just seen half the plot fly one way and the other half jumping out the airlock... And now, with the Captain captured by a being from the pan dimension, and members of the crew turning into red pens and others having their homeworlds disappear she felt she might just be losing it a little...*

*2 seconds later she remembered that the co-ordinates had been scribbled on the floor somewhere... E starts looking around for them on the floor, and, once she found them, she enters them into the console, starts pushing buttons which do work, hopes Affy's dimensional thing works and all the other stuff which has been confusing her lately happily decides to go along with her, and takes the ship to the co-ordinates that were scribbled on the floor so that they could start finding the Captain in the pan dimension...*

SG looks up from the table which is still covered in empty bottles spotting several dead klingons opn the floor begins to look around for the bottle of blood wine which they are bound to have brought aboard.
Opening a chest in the corner he picks up a bottle and struggles to read the label.
giving up he pulls the cork, takes a swig and throws the bottle at the wall in disgust.
SG staggeres off to the bridge to see whats been going on.

*Looks at remains of bottle on floor and wine sliding down the wall, attempts dreamedly to pick it up*

Three-hundred years old....... very special......

*Enters Ten-Forward*

You know, Quorn, that's the decoy. I mean, you do have decoy bottles right? Oh, never mind. Look, I just need to know if you have any InstaFerments? I need one. Look, I think that U is trying to test each of us. Keep an open mind on everything.

*Suddenly drops a Snowzar, which flashes, and freezes him until he can return to this forum at the end of spring break*

*Watches closely E:s progress with the dimension-machine.*

Ummm... Is there supposed to be all those flashing lights?
-- I see... What about that weird noise??
-- Of course... But is it really the meaning to change that wall there into ice-cream??

*E looks a little distressed by the fact that one of the walls was turning into ice-cream...*

*enter a strange guy who looks a little like Robin Williams and is dressed all in Green*
Pan: Has anyone seen Wendy anywhere? She's a pink biro with a red dress on.

*Checkout starts clicking his heals and saying under his breath, "there's no place like home... there's no place like home..." but then realises its the wrong dimension for that*

*E realises that ever since the walls had started turning into ice cream she's had her eyes closed...she didn't really want to open then again, not really sure of what she was going to be seeing...*

*Checkout realises that Seven isn't here*

Seven, are you there?
SEVEN: Affirmative Checkout
Um, where exactly is there?
SEVEN: In engineering
And are the walls turning to ice cream?
SEVEN: No, everything is perfectly normal
Wish we could say the same here, request site to site transport

*Checkout and the crew are beamed to engineering*

*takes a chunk of ice from the frozen affy and puts it in his Galadrian Whisky*

I really do need this...

*E looks around engineering, and, once satisfied that everything appears to be normal, she makes her way over to the controls for the warp core*

OK, so engineering's not affected by all this... I think the warp drive must have something to do with it...

Always with the warp drive. How many undiscovered uses does that have?

Wait a minute....

You can't logically answer that question...

Anyway, can it make coffee?

More importantly, can it evolve into something with far longer arms, and still drink the coffee?

*Miraculously unfreezes in a matter of seconds*

Sure, it *can*, but would you want it to?

Pan, wherever you are, will you tell us why the captain has been kidnapped, why the walls are ice cream, and why engineering isn't . . . doing something fairly odd?

*Music can faintly be heard from down the corridor:

Picture yourself on a train in a station
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties
Suddenly the walls in the bridge turn to ice-cream
And U tells you all sorts of lies

Crew are in Pan Dimension with Beatles
Crew are in Pan Dimension with Beatles
Crew are in Pan Dimension with Beatles