h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*the captain having been beamed away, the crew are shocked and stunned*

*ghostly voice from the ether: "well don't just stand ther hit someone"*

Cap'n what happened to the old girl?

*the cap'n's not here, so he can't answer, but if he WERE here, he might mention something about how he couldn't get his homepage to load up for all the Esirpretne stuff on it... *

Captain? Hey, captain??
*looking around puzzled and wondering where the voice came from*

Hmph... Just when I have a chance to say hello to the captain he disappears...

*checks if there are any klingons left and tries not to step on the remains of unlucky ones*

*wanders onto [wherever it is this is being held], with a smoking Ion Cannon*

WooHoo!!

*E feels a little confused at what's going on... Perhaps it was the bloodwine...*

*Pulls out a hyper-dimensional scanner (Still Yet Another Fine Product Of Crater Labs, Inc.), and scans*

I'm sensing a pan-dimensional life form. Probably something too impressive to play a direct role, but not big enough to just stand aside and let the Horrible Somethings win.

*Checkout materialises along side E*
Dammit, I lost my pastie!

*has been in shock ever since E grabbed the bottle of bloodwine off of him. Watching intently and gasping or wincing every time E swung it minutely*
*takes the bottle tenuously out of E's hands*

(quietly) three-hundred years old..... three-hundred years... very special...

*walks away very slowly*

*Affy falls over, momentarily unconscious. He finds himself in a dream-like open space. The Captain is there.*

Affy, help, I've been kidnapped by a pan-dimensional lifeform. Here's the coordinates, come and get me! Heeelp!

*Affy wakes up again, finds he has scribbled some coordinates on the floor...*

*Bluebottle is VERY confused, and needs someone to tell him what is going on, as his mind has been wiped clear of evertything that's happened over the last fortnight*

*Checkout remains adamant that this is all a dream and that hel will wake up in Ten Forward any minute now...*

*Dr. Croz finds a pin to stick in Checkouts' arm to prove he's awake.*

You're not coping because of all that vodka you've drunk.

*Returns to sickbay to find Checout an alka-seltzer donut*

Hey guys. Affy just had a mind vision thing. The captain is being held hostage by some pan-dimensional being.

I suggest we go to the coodinates he gave, since we are hopelessly outnumbered here.

*looks around; no-one appears to be doing anything*

Well?

*E wonders what happened to the bottle of bloodwine she had been holding onto... It had been the only thing keeping the klingons away... She then decides that it probably doesn't matter any more...*

OK, take us to those co-ordinates, lets get the Captain back!

*DD starts tinkering with BB's brain*

I cannae find the missing memeor's anywh're. Ye sure ye lost 'em?

Okay, wait, before we just go running around, we've got to at least try and reason about this pan-dimensional guy. Maybe it's trying to prove our worth, or maybe it sees us as a threat to the space-time continuum, or something. So, lemme tinker a little.

*Spends about fifteen minutes attaching the Dimensional Scanner to the weapons console, and makes some minor adjustments*

Okay, this should actually make this ship a match for a life form up to seven dimensions. What we're seeing is at least eleven, so this might, and I stress the word *might*, be able to phase it. I mean, it's actually pretty easy to avoid missiles shot at right angles if you have enough practice. Anyway, let's save the captain now!

*Jumps into a random chair, and pushes some random buttons. Don't worry, he disconnected these controls yesterday, and they don't do anything anyway*

*Quorn puts the blood wine in a special chest in Ten-forward labelled 'Do Not Open Till WW52'*



*Quorn turns around. There stands a man in a silver body suit with a surprisingly saucer-shaped head*

What the qu'plagh!
Being: Hello, Quorn, you pathetic, big-nosed, lame-brained excuse for a barman.
I'll have you know that on my planet-

*Being holds out palm and stops Quorn mid-sentence, then clicks his fingers. There is a flash of light*

Being: ....what planet...?

*Stares in shock at being*

You khhnnmggvdtnk!
Being: Shhh, this is a prime-time show, there may be kids watching. Kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, I forgot, she 'was' on your homeworld with all the rest of your pathetic scum race!!

*Glares at being*

Being: I am U of the Pan dimension, and I have your captain...
Don't you mean that you're 'pan-dimensional'
U: No....
Ahhh, cutbacks in the plot department, I see...
U: Yes.... Nevertheless, I have your captain, and I am teaching him a fundemental lesson about the flaws of his species.
The flaws of HIS species? He doesn't have a head with a chinese willow-plate pattern on it!!
U: You'll pay for that remark.....
Well, what do you want me to do?
U: Go and tell the rest of your pitiful crew that there is no use trying to stop me, I'll keep him as long as it takes... Good bye..
No, wait...
U: Yes?
Why 'U'...?
U: It stands for 'utensil', kinda ties in with the whole 'Pan dimension' thing.
Oh right
U: Bye now..
Yeah, bye



*Quorn looks down in dissapointment*

The 'pan dimension', geez...

*runs to the bridge*

*Quorn puts the blood wine in a special chest in Ten-forward labelled 'Do Not Open Till WW52'*



*Quorn turns around. There stands a man in a silver body suit with a surprisingly saucer-shaped head*

Quorn: What the qu'plagh!
Being: Hello, Quorn, you pathetic, big-nosed, lame-brained excuse for a barman.
Quorn: Oh, your one of those all powerful beings from another dimension, right? Well, I'll have you know that on my planet-

*Being holds out palm and stops Quorn mid-sentence, then clicks his fingers. There is a flash of light*

Being: ....what planet...?

*Quorn stares in shock at being*

Quorn: You khhnnmggvdtnk!
Being: Shhh, this is a prime-time show, there may be kids watching. Kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh, I forgot, she 'was' on your homeworld with all the rest of your pathetic scum race!!

*Glares at being*

Being: I am U of the Pan dimension, and I have your captain...
Don't you mean that you're 'pan-dimensional'
U: No....
Quorn: Ahhh, cutbacks in the plot department, I see...
U: Yes.... Nevertheless, I have your captain, and I am teaching him a fundemental lesson about the flaws of his species.
Quorn: The flaws of HIS species? He doesn't have a head with a chinese willow-plate pattern on it!!
U: You'll pay for that remark.....
Quorn: Well, what do you want me to do?
U: Go and tell the rest of your pitiful crew that there is no use trying to stop me, I'll keep him as long as it takes... Good bye..
Quorn: No, wait...
U: Yes?
Quorn: Why 'U'...?
U: It stands for 'utensil', kinda ties in with the whole 'Pan dimension' thing.
Quorn: Oh right
U: Bye now..
Quorn: Yeah, bye



*Quorn looks down in dissapointment*

The 'pan dimension', geez...

*runs to the bridge*