h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Okay," said Last Researcher. Here we are. You may all continue now."

With that, the researcher disappeared. (But only til a few Next Next researchers had a say.)

Our group (just to refresh, we're only dealing with Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds, Possibly Arthur/Arthur/Gringle The Purple/etc., Merlin, Death, and Arnold the dinosaur) was being lifted up into the snowflake shaped UFO. As they were lifted within, a knock out gas was administered.

Our group woke up several hours later, behind a force field which prevented them from getting to the odd looking alien on the other side. It looked roughly humanoid, but with less hair, a tail, and and huge, golden eyes.

The alien turned to them and said, "You have travelled as far on the yellow brick road as I will allow you to. I do not wish for you to go further because . . ."

...we need a commercial break so I have a chance to make a cup of tea."

BUY WHEATIES!!! submit your will to siguy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUMOROUS INTERNET COMPANY COMMERCIAL!!! submit your will to siguy!!!!

WATCH THE A&E MOVIE: PETER GRAVES ENJOYS DORM LIFE
bring back mst3k!
SUBMIT TO SIGUY!!!!!!!

And the commercials ended. The alien introduced himself and said his name was...

"Bill Gates... but please, call me Billy. Would you like a cup of tea?"

Our heroes all thought that was a rather long name, so they decided to just call the alien BillGatesbutplease for short.

Just then a cloaked microsoft warship open fired on the ufo they were in (what was the ufo shaped like? in the other story it was a tylenol but here?). A booming voice came over the speaker. It was that sassy robot/lawyer from earlier. He said that Bill Gates' name was copyrighted and the violation of such copyright is punishable by photon execution. The UFO started to plummit down to earth but luckily the alien escaped. Our heroes were still trapped in the forcefield though...

That is, until the ship tipped sideways and Arnold slid, crashing through the forcefield, its generator, the lab, the cafeteria, and the side of the ship, leaving a large hole. Since the group calculated they were probably several miles above the planet, they all figured they were doomed. If having no air didn't do Death's job, the fall and re-entry would fry them.

However, they had forgotten that Arthur had Merlin's powers (which he he quickly made a mental note that he really should give back soon), and in his fear he shouted out, "Holy Cowabunga!" The next instant, the group found themselves warm and safe on the ground, but they were suddenly the size of a small lizard and standing in cow dung (except Arnold, who was the size of a large lizard and was standing on the cow, which is prolly why the dung was there.

The group as a whole started raising quite a ruckus, complaining of the icky situation, with Lucy screaming the loudest when a cat came along. It would have eaten them (Moral: If you're warm and happy in a pile of dung, keep your mouth shut) had it not been for Arnold's quick thinking...

"Oh what a cute cat... I wonder if it wants to play!" Saying this he jumped down on the cat, which were't prepared to be hitten by Arnold, so, in fear for what could hit it next. Arnold laughed, happy for finally finding someone to play with.
Meanwhile, the other got themselv in safety, under a bush...
"I hate this", Lucy complained. "Why can't I have a normal life? Why me? WHY?"
As she was turning hysterical, Merlin took her by her shoulders and shook her.
"Now, Agent LSD, you listen to me!!........

The shaking woke her up. She looked around. "Damn", she thought as she noticed the bush still towering over them and the cow dung on their shoes. "Now I wonder just what parts were dream and which parts real". She turned to Merlin and said:

"Why were you shaking me?"

"Because you were having a nightmare. You kept yelling out: Paul is dead"

"Oh. Where is everyone going?"

Merlin looked around to see the rest of the group disappearing down a chipmunk hole. He grabbed Lucy and said: "Come on, let's go."

they landed at the bottom of the hole with a thud. Arthur was immediatly screaming at them, I said "help me I'm falling down a hole. and all you do is sit there shaking Lucy. Then you jump down the hole with me!!"
Lucy punched Arthur in the face (she was pretty pissed off about being so small) and he fell to the ground. 2 minutes later he started to wake up and...

in front of him a blue lizard stood staring at me.
"Help...." Arthur thought, but then the lizard opened it's mouth.
"Hi, and welcom to the 'Human that have turned into wizard"- club!"
"What?"
"Yeah.. I guess, you thought you guys were the only one, but you are not! And the weasels are all out to get us, so we have to stick together. Now, follow me, you friends are already in our kingdom. Don't worry!"
A confused Arthur followed the blue lizard, who introduced itself to be "Liz".
They went down in a dark hole, and after something that seemed like an eternity, they came out in the "former human- now lizards" land. It was overcrowded with lizards, and they all spoke human language and were pretty upset...

"Wait" said Arthur "Are we lizards? I thought this place was for wizards who were one humans."
Lucy walked up to him and was about to punch him in the face when he ducked. He smiled a bit at his success and she swiftly kneed him in the groin. As he fell to the ground he noticed something odd. Lucy's feet were orange and they were growing in size. Suddenly he had a flashback to his college days when someone dared him to eat a mushroom found growing in a field.

Then he remembered that he never went to college, because he started this story as a small boy and if he went to college it must have been while the researchers weren't looking. So he began to wonder if it was all a dream...

Then he wondered whether or not this place was for wizards, or lizards.

"Both," said Liz. "Actually, we accept either, but you're the first one who isn't both."

(I hope that this solution is okay for everyone. I don't want to start any more civil wars about the plot line*

Anyway, Liz walked up to the dais, began (Liz is a girl right?) her speech, and Arthur then remembered that Lucy's feet were different colored. Missing the Lizard's National Anthem, he turned to Lucy and gasped as he realized . . .

they weren't different colored. The researcher had just eaten too much chocolate ice cream and was halucinating. He correted himself by having a plane smash through the area barely missing Liz and the others. The hatch flung open and...

Ronald Reagan stepped out. "Let's have one more for the Gipper!" he cried, waving his fists around and stumbling about drunkenly. Then he got back into the plane and it flew off.

Now the next/present researcher had to stop the story a moment to tip his hat to the last researcher for a truly random occurence. However he wasn't used to wearing hats and it fell over onto our group. Being the size of lizards it completely covered them. They were quickly able to get out of it but when they did, everything around them was different. There were no more lizards/wizards, no more ummm whatever was there before, all that was there was...

a big nothing. Totally emptyness.
"Scary...." Arthur said... "Freaky"
"Let's go back to lizard\wizard land, shall we?" Lucy whispered.
"Would you please not stand on top of me?" a small voice said, and they realised that the hat had covered Liz the lizard too, so she was there with them.. Lucy moved away... the izards (an'l' or an 'w' is to be put in front after own choice) looked at themselves.. they were still lizards in different colors.
"I kinda fancy being purple," Death said, studying himself. Then the big nothing attracted their attention, as a thundering voice said:
"There shall be light!" And there was light.
"Oh help me... " Liz screamed. "It IS him. It is God!!!"

she/he/liz coughed and said "I mean it is a Godfrey-Davis car dealership!" (No it's not some famous dealership I just ran a search for godfrey at lycos.com)
It seems that they were not actually in complete nothingness. As shown by the fact that the overhead lights of a car dealership had just temporarily blinded them. As their eyes refocused Arthur let out a girlish yelp because he was startled by a giant inflatable dracula on top of the dealership. He quickly realized it was cheesy ad that said I won't suck your wallet dry. The group decided to investigate.

They walked up to the doorway, but before they could enter, Death made a noise somewhere between howling and giggling.

"Look, over there!" he said pointing to a place where some poor soul was being trapped in a car deal. "It's my old buddy from college, Strife! Hey, Strife, over here!"