h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Now the next/present researcher hadn't read good omens or whatever the book was called. So he didn't now how to deal with the situation. He decided to say: Strife was having a bad hair day and was so embarrassed about being seen in a mini van that he said he had to run. Arthur remarked that since that hat fell on him he had found some credit cards in his pocket. Suddenly 50 car salesmen converged on our heroes.

One of which reached down and grabbed up LucyLizard, tucking her under his arm. "Now look at this beauty, li'l lady.. I think it's just your style."

Lucy bit him and jumped down.

Then, much to everyone's absolute pleasure, they realized that Lucy was a poisonous lizard. After the first salesman dropped dead, Lucy turned on the others, assisted in some places by Death.

It seemed as though our heroes could conquer the evil salespeople, but Arthur reached into his camo vest, (CAMO CAMEO #1) and realized . . .

...that he had left a used tissue in there. It felt all gooey on his hands and it made him want to puke. Just then some donuts flew by over head in space. Then he suddenly screamed, "what ever happened to that shedunnit story!" Everyone looked at him confused. Just then...

a weasel printed with flags of the world flew past on an orange alligator.

"Oh, that's just silly," said Lucy, who then continued to conquer the salesmen even though the researcher before last had hinted that she couldn't.

*Just then, they all began to wonder why there would be a miniature car dealership somewhere underground at the end of a chipmunk hole. And what had happened to the blue l/w-izards. And would they ever find their way back to the surface of the earth and become their normal size. This collective wondering focused their brain waves which resonated together to become a brain tsunami, which washed over the car dealership, breaking it's enchantment and revealing it to be a farm implements dealership. Strife was seen driving off in his new tractor, with a surprised look on his face. The salesmen looked around disgustedly and then quit. Our group looked at each other, and burst out laughing. They laughed really hard. In fact, they laughed so hard, their sides split. Noticing this, they all crawled out of the lizard skins and were again in their normal form.*

Well, *said Death*, do we investigate the blue l/w-izards or do we try to find our way out of this hole?

"Well, I for one would like to know why the l/w-izards were meeting up, but we *do* have to get to the end of that road" said the once-again-human-Lucy.

"Now, now, these wizards and lizards may have some helpful insights to the problem at hand," Merlin began, but he couldn't think of much else at the moment, for he realized it was getting unbearably hot. He pulled off his camo wizardly hat (CAMO CAMEO #2), and scratched his head, trying to figure out why it was getting so warm.

"Look," Death said, who was also beginning to sweat, "whatever we do, let's do it fast. I really, really, really don't want to stay here too long. It feels like we're in an oven!"

FX: Dramatic chord

Based on that dramatic cord the group realized two things, one: Some nearby cows could play a great dramatic chord, and two: they were in an oven.
Suddenly Lucy passed out from the heat and they all quickly rifled through her pockets. They found...

some blu-tack, an escalator, two turtle doves, a can of 5-minute oven cleaner with 'CAUTION: Not to be used on ovens - may eat holes in oven walls.' on the label, a triceratops egg and three cents in change.

"Oh, look at this stuff... it's all useless!" complained Arthur. "You can't buy anything for three cents these days!"

The turtle doves sat on the triceratops egg, which was beginning to cook.

Unfortunately, the triceratops egg had been fertilized, and unbeknownst (until it was pointed out by a helpful researcher) to our group, the heat was majikal, thus speeding the incubation time, and the triceratops emerged from the egg in exactly 3.03 minutes.

Now, obviously a triceratops doesn't fit well in a hole of the size our little group had found themselves (but then, neither do humans), so the Researcher had everyone poke their heads out of the ground. Unfortunately a croquet team was playing through... and well.. I'm sure you can guess the rest so I'll just move on to when the heads were all re-attached and our group found themselves small again and inhabiting an old acorn, which in the past 20 years they had modified and remodeled into a home for wayward ants.

Lucy snapped Arthur's head onto his body. It had previously been on Arnold's body and the mix of T-rex and human had created some wild acorn fantasies. The others also complained of weird visions of ants while there head were attached to the wrong bodies. Once everyone was reattached they realized that the last post was so weird that this present researcher had a blank check to change the story however he liked. He started to write out something about sassy robots when suddenly the next researcher hit him over the head with a cow and said...

"ACTIVISION SHOULD BRING BACK THE ZORK SERIES!!!"

After that shameless plug, the next researcher said, "No, don't you realize that the sassy robots wouldn't fit in an acorn?"

Arnold wondered why he could fit it an acorn, and it began to dissolve in a puff of simple-minded logic. However, Arnold was altogether too simple, so what really happened was . . .

he got distracted by thoughts of cheesecakes, and asked the others if they could go to a bakery. But the others were still wondering whether they were in an oven, in an acorn, or in a hole on a croquet course where they had had acorn-related hallucinations because of Foreign Head Syndrome.

And, to further complicate things, everything turned a uniform shade of beige, making it very difficult to discern where anything was. Also, the overpowering dullness of the beige caused the triceratops (which, incidentally, was the only thing not beige. It was tan.) to march off in a huff.

"Quick! Follow that triceratops!" Merlin yelled, hoping that it could find a way out.

Arnold didn't want to, because even though everything was beige, he believed everything, even the triceratops, was pink. But, Arnold was convinced, and they the dinosaur to . . .

...and they told him to... shut up and follow. They started following the triceratops which didn't seem difficult because he could be spotted for miles. But just then they all smacked into a beige wall, which they ofcourse could not see. Just then Arthur sneezed, . All of sudden there was color again, but it was all wrong. Everything was darkish and grey till suddenly a blinding light came over them. They realized that they were in a brown acorn which was cracking and letting in light.

Then they realized that they actually weren't in an acorn, nor had they ever been, and indeed the triceratops had never existed. They were, in fact, in a rather nice coffee shop drinking cappucinos and listening to trendy music. Everything was still beige though.

Just then a researcher who was really annoyed by all this beige decided to do something. He didn't really like imacs but figured, if they are credited by so many for breaking the computer industry out of their beige boxes, then why couldn't they bring color to our fictional story.

The owner of the coffee shop started unloading imacs because he was turning the shop into a internet cafe place (you know where coffee addicts sip coffee and browse the internet next to eachother for an crazy price). As the imacs popped out of the boxes the room started changing. The beige walls were replaced by floral wall paper. And their skin pigment changed from beige into many earth tones. Soon the whole world was full of color and Steve Jobs lived happily ever after with Arnold the helper monkey's (from the other story) brother Sid. So with the world again filled with color the group began browsing the net.

At least that was what they wanted to do, when suddenly all the computer crashed, exept that Arnolds screen, that started flashing in a green light.
"So what do we do? Should we find the izards or not? Or should we try to find that road again?" Merlin looked at the others.
" I think... " Arthur started, but got interruptet by Arnolds computer giggling. They looked at it, and saw it transfrom into a blue-skinned person.
"Oh, hello, Liz!" Arnold smiled."That might explaing why my computer was blue!"
"Yeah, " she said proudly. "I can transform into anything I want. But the lizard is my favourite! Now what I was saying... we really need your help, so I have comed to pick you up again." She thew a spell, and suddenly they were all lizards again. "Follow me!" Liz yelled, and showed the way. The others came following.
"Oh my," Merling thought with himself. "Now that's a wizard for my taste! If I only could have my magic powers back!"