h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Please don't fetch David Hasslehof I thought you'd stopped the whole revenge thing
*grabs hold of the onion ring but realises it's many hours since she last ate and so starts munching on it before returning to swimming around in the beer*
Y'know it's times like these when I regret handing out those masks

*Comes in heaing sceams splashing and thinking that there is a really wild pool party going on *

Oh hey TB... oh a here have an instant olife size sponge.
*Throwing a pellet size "only humans could think of something so redicuous" insatnt life size sponge toy of David H. - the pellet has the weight of a grain of rice but when it hit water it acts like any good black hole of the universe and beer does the same trick
... so the pellet lands next to TB... and instantly sucks allo the fluid within earshot into itself and explodes into David H (or a life size sponge blue replica) and the beer glass shatters and TB engulfed in the uberschwimmer's body! *

WOW! that's incredible, TB saved by DH in a real drowning scenario, I'm sorry I thought I threw the pellet!
Well, now that that's over how about a refreshing drink to go the Fudge Cake... OOOMMMM delicious!


So how about that dance... well after the cake of course!
-Jin

If you keep on eating the onion rings, you'll never get your Fairy Guide Life Saving Bhaji.

*runs around in a blind panic, but it's OK this time. Trips over the pile of masks and Foggy falls off. Looks around and spots a Baywatch Babe Mask, outfit and DIY plastic surgery kit. Swiftly changes into both and bounces in slow motion towards the offending pint, oinking as he goes and giving himself 12 silicon implants (yes, the costumes and masks got mixed up dear viewer). Throws his float towards Tinkerbell very hard, misses and goes crashing into the gantry*

*after removing his Babe mask and sucking his costume dry, Wumbeevil realises all is quiet. Suddenly the words "I'll never let go" drift across the bar..*

Oh no, there must have been a stray ice cube in that pint.

*Slumps to the floor, screams and leaps up quickly again, as it's covered in broken glass. "I'll never let go" pounds thru his brain. Wumbeevil turns up his hearing aid and listens... a distant voice says, "You'll never pass go". He takes this as a hint that the forum has been monopolised, and sits face down on a bar stool, consoling himself with a bottle of Menza's finest vinegar. Vaguely he wonders, "I wonder how many poor customers are gonna read thru all that." Giggles drunkenly, and lapses into unconsciousness until Monday, when the good ship sobriety shall dock.*

*Momentarily becomes lucid*

Sorry Jin, never noticed you saving spilling the Fairy Liquid there. It must've all been a dream.

*Mumbles and collapses*

excuse me, have I accidentally wandered into the wrong party? Someone told me that there were dancing fairies, but all I can see is broken glass, a giant blue sponge, a strange little fairy car and onion rings everywhere.

*Too drunk to talk Wumbeevil holds up a sign*

Yesh, theresh all that and more, you've jusht got to believe..believe

*the sign slumps to the floor, unconscious (it doesn't feel the pain from the broken glass, cos that would be just silly). A marauding band of Christians troop in shouting, "'Tis a sign, praise the board, 'tis a sign.". Wumbeevil opens one eye, smiles and taps out some morse code with his forehead to Ice Princess..*

e..n..j..o..y..t..h..e..c..o..m..p..a..n..y..

*Realizing that WB is entirely lost in a Single Malt coma...
pick him up and puts him in a shopping card wraps it is shipping paper, lots of tape and twine and puts the care of next to a wall paper of Stamps... Then talking the time to MARK the Proper "UP", "DO NOT BEND", "LIVE ANIMALS", "HHUMAN ORGANS" and "PLEASE FEED WITH MALT PRODUCTS ONLY" signage... has a Express Pickup and watch two gorillas playing Aus. Rolues Football with the package as they careen {SP?} it from side to side them launch it into the truck and a field judge raises his arms and awards proper points*
*The stand go crazy and a small riot ensues with the far bench since they missed the obvious oppertunity to properly defend... so they go into the truck and prperly light it on fire*
-*Fire and Smoke filll the air as Jin notices the funny problem calls DHL and has their gorillas who play in a different league salvage the package and send it on its way* Jin is yelling out "You should be there first ting Monday mornin!"

*The DH Sponges is making funny noises and offensive remarks to TB who looks like she is receiving mouth to mouth recessitation from the blue uberschwimmer*
-Yikes thats gotta hurt!
-Jin

(Satan snores)

Anyone here interested in surrealist comedy? You are?!? Great! Then check out http://www.h2g2.com/A424766 for the first exciting chapter of Mucous Manhattan!

You can't help but be intruiged!

*opens one eye to find herself being resucitated by a small blue foam David Hasslehof, squeals in horror and whacks the confused blue sponge round the head with a mini life belt*
Bleargh, bleargh BLEARGH!!! I thought I told you not to fetch the scary man and why do I spend all my time drowning when you're around?
And what on earth is going on?
*rolls over still in a half dazed state, lands on billions of shards of glass and starts squealing again*
Ow! what've you guys done to my party...I tells ya it's them thr masks, they be bad I tells ya, no good will come of them!
*whacks herself on the head to counteract the obvious effects of concusion*
Hmmm...right Wumbeevil hand over the mask, give it here, you can no longer be David hassleback potato...
*goes through the pile of masks until she finds James Bond and hands it to Wumbeevil*
...this should be more fun you won't be able to cause any damage as James Bond always wins
Now where's Jin gone? This always seems to happen...especially now we have an audience, aah well I'll just have to dance on my own again...
*Turns up the CD Wumbeevil had started playing, hears the words "Near, far, where ever you are", screams and throws herself at the speakers in an attempt to trap the song and save innocent people from hearing the abomination*
Gaaaaaaa!!! Don't listen to the words, there'll send you to sleep...
*pulls the CD out of the player just in time and replaces it with some music*
Phew that was close, how did that get past the bouncers?
*Puts on the 'Actually, Really Now The Best CD In The World Ever 42' and starts to dance round the room*
Toffee Apple anyone?

(nicks Tinkerbell's fariy car and goes joyriding)

Well that's just rude!
*waves her fairy wand and as if by magic the car and S reappear, complete with steering wheel lock and wheel clamps just incase he tries to escape*
You've got some explaining to do Mr S...particularly how you managed to fit into such a teeny tiny fairy car and you better not have changed the position of the mirrors, it takes hours to get them in the right place

(Satan climbs out, looking strangely small. He takes a deep breath and puffs himself up to his usual size, like a puffer fish.)

The mirrors are fine, they're in exactly the right positions. So there.

(sniggers to himself, hiding the real mirrors behind his back. Hopes Tinkerbell doesn't notice that he's switched them for magic mirrors which give a horrible view of a raging Satan whenever you look in them)

Thanks for returning the car S, greatly appreciated
*gets in the passenger seat, turns on the CD player, clicks her fingers and waits as her chauffeur appears*
"Come up and see me an make me Smi-iii-lle"
*hugs her chauffeur who happens to be a tiny miniature Jenson Button look-alike and whispers in his ear to pretend to act scared at the huge Santas in the mirrors because she doesn't like upsetting people and she doesn't want S to feel bad because she noticed he switched the mirrors in what would otherwise have been a very good trick, leans back and assembles fearful voice*
Aaaargh...help me there is a huge Santa in my mirrors...what will I do...I am so scared...aaargh...
*Tiny miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur wearing a suit assembles scared voice*
T.M.J.B.L.C.W.A.S = "Aaargh I see what you mean, what scary Santa's, who could have done such a scary thing...here let me help you Tinkerbell..."
*Tiny Miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur wearing a suit and pretending to be scared leans over and discretely removes the Santa stickers from the mirrors before checking his hair and driving off*
Oh thankyou...I was so scared there...what a really scary thing for a scary person to do to me who was so scared...
Quick lets drive somewhere in case the very scary person who played this very scary trick on me who was very scared is still here...
*Tinkerbell and Tiny Miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur drive off towards the window and wait to watch the sunset but only after passing S some fondant fancies and an apple pie on the way past his feet*
Oh and S there's some wine and punch left for you on the table if you fancy a drink...

*Sweeps up stickers and throws them in the bin*

*sticks her head out for the car window where she and the tiny miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur are now watching the shooting stars*
Well that's very efficient but you don't need to tidy up in here Menza, I'll do it all when the parties over, you should relax and be
err...dancing

*shudders, then heads for the bar*

I don't know what you have against dancing...especially when everyone's wearing masks so no-one would even know it was you

Aaah well, in case anyone ever does decide to dance you can be in charge of the music so that you don't have to join in...
*hands Menza a glass of party punch*

Thank you.