h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Starts eating fudge cake*

(takes a break from his demonic duties to join in eating fudge cake*

It's too tempting, you see...

Mmmmmmm.

*dances back into the room*
Thought so...you guys are so predictable you know
Aaaah well, hello Santa nice to see you again...I don't actually have any lava lamps for you to eat but if you like there's individual apple pies here or I can fetch some 'Fondant Fancies' if you'd prefer?
*Hands Menza another slice of fudge cake*
Oh and Menza would you like cream with your fudge cake?
*stops dancing and munches on an apple pie*

*dons a Sean Connery face mask and hopes no one starts talking about sites. Passes Santa one of Mr. Kipling's creations, and an apple pie to follow it down with.*

Fanchy a dansh Shanta?

Shure! But only if you stop calling me Santa and start calling me Satan, The Devil, Lord of the Underworld, or The Dark One.

Ummm, as I'm a fairy can I just call you S because all your other names are likely to get me into trouble with the fairy queen type thing? No offence
*hands S a "fondant fancy"*

Mmmmmm cakes... Dreamy...

Err, are you sure calling you shomething elsh ish a good idea in the current shircumshtanshes Shanta?

No cream thanks, it doesn't agree with me.

*comes in carrying Kettle Chips and an assortment of Dips*
Oh O.K how about icecream? It could be homemade if I pretend...
Y'know if you say S's name in a Sean Connery voice then it kinda sounds like your Liverpudlian
*turns the music up and stands around dancing*

Like my Liverpudlian what?

Oh revenge is shooooo shweet.

Can I have some nishe ishe cream pleash?

*ducks as a tub flies thru the air*

Hmmm...I refuse to waste good food by throwing it at you...
*throws a mini sausage roll at Wumbeevils head*
...that should do instead though.

Besides what do you have to gain revenge for, I've been on my very bestest fairy behaviour throughout this party...so unjustified

*by an amazing coincidence the sausage roll knocks aside the chandelier which was about to crash onto Wumbeevil*

Oh thanksh kind fairy, how can I ever repay you?

Shorry about the revenge, I'm in the wrong forum. No shensh of direction thatsh my trouble. I'm OK with North, but Easht, Wesht, and Shouth are nightmaresh.

Have you got any other mashksh, oh kindest fairy in the universh?

Hmmph...one minute you*'RE* gaining revenge the next you*'RE* attempting to get me to give you free gifts by using cheap attempts of flattery...do you honestly think that's going to work...
*hands over a wide selection of masks to Wumbeevil with a "With Compliments" note attached*
Anything else I can do?

Cheap attemptsh at flattery? I'll have you know my good fairy, those wordsh came from all the way from the bottom of my wallet (I employed a speech writer - yep he did work for party conferences, how did you guess?).

*rummages thru the masks and finds a Foghorn Leghorn one, swaps it for the Sean Connery one. Tinkerbell flaps her wings in annoyance at not taking the initiative and forcing a mask on him, and then runs and sits in the corner dreading the inevitable...*

Aah say Boy, ah sayed ma throats drier than Scott of the Sahara's in a sandstorm. Could ya get, ah sayed could ya get old Foggy some o' that Southern Comfort liquor? Could ya?

*Wonders what would happen if she said no but decides against testing her theory*
Here you go one measure of Southern Comfort... but do you have to be Foghorn Leghorn, there were so many other good masks in there...although that gives me an idea...
*puts on the invisible woman mask and vanishes instantly*
hehehehe this is fun

*Scoffs the Southern Comfort, and pretends he can't see the rest of Tinkerbell*

Ah say where d'ya go, ah say where'd she go boy? On minute she was ahere, the next she's vanished. Ah sayed she's vanished like Stephen Fry on ma yacht in the Bermuda Triangle.

*Pretends to look around, and then pulls a mirror from his pocket so Tinkerbell can see herself*

*runs around giggling*
hehehehehe, you can't see me
*crashes into a wall, rebounds and hits a table leg, falls over a bar stool and lands in an unfinished pint of beer*
Ouch...
*realises sadly that she's not invisible but just had her eyes shut and so swims about in the beer waiting to be rescued*

*nerve-jangling organ music*

Oh no, ah cain't, ah sayed ah cain't aswim boy. Us roosters, ah sayed us roosters are ascared of water.

*looks around in a blind panic, realises he's screwed up the metaphors and setlles for looking around in a panic. Spies a bag of snacks and throws one to Tinkerbell*

Ah say hold, ah says hold onto arat onion ring, boy. Ah'm away to call, ah sayed ah'm away to call that thar David Hasselhoff.