h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Jamie's eyes flicker open. He spits out some feathers and looks up into the face of Nanny.*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

*Hurling the enourmous chicken to one side Jamie speeds frantically towards the nearest cupboard and locks himself inside.*

*Tinkerbell and TMJBLC can be seen having a dramatic and moving conversation before finally TMJBLC rushes forward to drive the rampant Bedmobile in an attempt to save Tinkerbells life*

Sigh...

*Tinkerbell turns to TMJBLC with a look of gratitude and then turns to the sleeping James Wumbeevil Bond before using her handbag in a very Grace Jones kinda way and fwopping him carefully with it until he awakens from his highly dramatic and sudden non-voluntary sleep*

Using all my Bond Girl powers of deduction and wisdom I suspect foul play here (wait for it, you knew you'd have to face it some time)...

*turns to Nanny the oversized chicken who nursed Count Duckula when he was ill, wonders how James Wumbeevil Bond knows about one of the greatest cartoon ducks of all time then assembles her face into a Bond Girl manner*

I suspect that James Wumbeevil Bond has involuntarily consumed sleeping pills and furthermore I believe I know how...

*takes on an all knowing smug Bond Girl look*

Only one chicken had access to James Wumbeevil Bond 007's tea Mr Nanny, if that is in fact your real name...

*launches herself at Nanny in a Bond Girly fashion swinging her handbag round her head whilst screaching Chicken Pot Pie recipes in order to strike fear into Nanny but in a very cool Bond Girl stylee*

You tried to poison my James Wumbeevil Bond and in the cold cruel light of day I hope you can see the error in your ways...

*sits down with Mr Nanny and over a nice cup of tea discusses why not to leave pieces of paper lying around with 'Chicken Nanny's Cunning Plan' written on top, then leaps back up in an energetic Bond Girl fashion*

Now begone with you foul chicken nanny back to the grass from whence you grazed...
*turns to the director and in a shameless plug for his latest film shouts*
Run Chicken...Chicken Run!

*Finds a random cupboard and unlocks the door to allow Jamie to escape to freedom, then rushes over to James Wumbeevil Bond and quickly resucitates him by waving a large measure of whisky under his nose*

Quickly James, TMJBLC isn't used to driving such machines you must help him...
*turns to camera in a dramatic pause*
...or else we might take the wrong turning!
*music turns to a "dum dum DUM" sounding drum beat as Tinkerbell looks into the camera with a Bond Girl pose*

*Jamie appears most non-plussed by the dramatic rescue.*

Bloody amatuers!

*He gets back into the cupboard and locks it once again. His voice emanates from within...*

Why can't everyone just leave me alone! I've got the whole female cast of Friends in here with me and I'm buggered if I'm going to leave them now!

*notes that Jamie seems to have recovered now and is settling into his role quite well*

Hmmm so his role in this mission is as the spy in the cupboard, clever plan agent Jamie from there you can keep an eye on all things cupboardy...

*remembers the second part of his speech and looks more interested*

So if you've got the female cast of friends in there does that mean that the male cast is close by...

*doesn't wait for an answer and starts randomly flinging cushions, teddy bears and plant pots around in an attempt to find them*

Ah well, I guess not...

*goes back to sitting next to TMJBLC and once more everyone awaits James Wumbeevil Bond's dramatic answer to the earlier dramatic film moment*

*Bond increases the tension by making HALF the cast of Friends, Jamie and Tinkerbell wait on his dramatic answer, as he has not slept for nearly 24 hours and is as tired as his eyebrows.*

Besides someone not a million miles away from TMJBLC just tried to write Nanny out of the plot, and I'm very upset (tho Igor is delighted).

Oooh Tinkyboos, why did ee go and do a thing lak that?

(Satan confuses matters by turning into a full stop)

-666

*Jamie's voice emanates from the cupboard...*

Has anyone out there got a bottle of something? The ladies fancy a drink. And some furniture polish wouldn't go amiss either, the inside of this cupboard is bloody disgraceful.

*Nanny clucks in a frustrated manner.*

Go home Nanny! We've got no use for your foul vegetable juice around here! BTW, there's no double-entendre there.

*Girlish giggling is heard to be coming from inside the cupboard*

I know girls. What can I say? I'm the last great comedian on this earth. Now where's that whipped cream............?

Ooh Mistress Tinkerbell, 'ow can ee say such things about poor ole Nanny, and it's Ms Nanny to ee if ee don't mind my little cupcake. If ee must knows, Master James asked Nanny to get him a bottle o' Pils, so Oi did. Now wot's wrong with that?
Now once Oi've seen to that naughty, naughty Jamie, we'll sit down over a nice cuppa tae and some noice choccy biccies and talk about your little attitude problem and that nasty, nasty chicken pun. Then it's straight to beeddybois, with not anurra word from you young fairy.

Jameee, my love, where is ee. JAMEEEEEEE, come to Nanny. Ooooh ee must be shy. Well while Oim waiting, Oi might as well get a little dustin' done, this place is a right mess, Oi can tell ee.

Oi guess Oi'll find the feather dusters in that there cupboard thingy. *pulls cuboard door off it's hinges*
Oooh, would ee look at that, a cupboard with no door, well Oi never. And would ee look at the state of it, now it could do with a good polish from Nanny. Oooh, wot ave we here? A load of balloons shaped like women? Well, wotever next? Oi can't do the dustin' with them, so I'll just sit them on that noice bed whoil Oi find the duster and some polish.

*Nanny picks up the three inflatable Friends characters and throws them onto the Bedsmobile. She looks back and spots Jamie standing with a mop bucket over his head, naked apart from a thick coating of whipped cream*

Moi word, whatever is that? A snowman with a bucket for 'is 'ead. well Oi can't leave 'im 'ere, eel melt and make sooch a mess.

*picks up Jamie with her good arm and throws him back onto the ever expanding Bedsmobile. She turns back to the cupboard and finds Jamie's clothes and a tub of cream*

Oooh good, dusters and polish. Now Oi can get on with polishing this 'ere cupboard. That's strange, this 'ere polish is all white, still never moind, Nanny'll soon 'ave this place sparkling. Oooh, would ee look at that, someone 'as written '666' on the wall. Well Oi never, and Oi think Oil 'ave ter give that full stop an extra good polish as well...

*Nanny whistles tunelessly and proceeds to polish Satan with Jamie's clothes and whipped cream....*

*Meanwhile, back on the bedsmobile things are moving. James Wumbeevil Bond slowly regains consciousness with the help of a good handbag bashing from Tinkerbell. He groans and looks round to see TMJBLC standing on Tinkerbell's shoulders steering erratically despite being aided by the onboard ZX-81. He turns to the camera and gives it a 'Tinkerbell and TMJBLC have just saved my life, but now it's time to show the audience who the real hero is' look. He grabs the steering wheel and pulls it sharply to the left, narrowly missing Jaws partner Beaks, the six foot chicken played by Nanny, who appears to be whitewashing the inside of a cupboard with a pair of tartan boxer shorts.*

Phew, that was close TB and TMJBLC, thanks for saving my life. Tinkerbell, with a handbag swing like that you are going to be a star. Hell's Grannies are doing a remake of Easy Zimmer in a few months, you should apply for a part.

Is anyone hurt back there?

*Big Ears emerges from under a pile of inflatable female Friends characters*

My ego's hurt in a big way. For Enid's sake don't take any publicity stills, or my reputation as a gay icon'll be ruined forever. Noddy, are you still have trouble with your tumsywumsy?

*Noddy says "Berrrt". Big Ears looks round the now very dishevelled Bedsmobile, thinks of entering it for the Turner Prize, and then spots Jamie still covered in whipped cream. He starts to satisfy his hunger and salvage his reputation at the same time. Jamie groans from within the mop bucket as Big Ears licks his right foot, "Oh yes, Monica"*

"Quick", shouts Big Ears, "Someone get a stills photographer over here."

*007 gives a knowing smile and returns to his mission of getting the cast to Heathrow*

NANNY! Jump in next time we pass you by, the brakes on this thing aren't too good.

*The Bedsmobile starts to circle the pub for one last time, as Nanny casts aside the remnants of Jamie's clothes which now look like something from Randall and Hopkirk after a thunderstorm, and prepares to jump back onto the bed. TMJBLC looks at Tinkerbell (the violins start to play) and as little lovebirds circle round their heads, he speaks...*

Once upon a time, there was this fairy and a miniature chauffeur who saved the entire cast of a James Bond film....

*Big Ears' frantic licking finally stops and Jamie removes the bucket from his head.*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Big Ears! I don't believe it! You foul little gnome from the depths of hades!
Take that!

*Jamie boots Big Ears viciously where it hurts before grabbing him by the beard and hitting him repeatedly against the bedsmobile.*

That'll teach you to go sucking the feet of innoccent bystanders!

*Big Ears' hapless body clonks against the side of the bedsmobile one more time before Jamie finally relinquishes his grip. He is very much unconscious.*

I want this jolly midgit arrested at once! Call Inspector Gadget!

*Wumbeevil presses a button on his secret-agent-type watch and speaks into it* :

"Moneypenny, it's me. Send Inspector Gadget."

*Not a moment later Gadget speeds around the corner on his Gadget-Skates. He seems to be out of control. He says "Wowzers!", as is his want before colliding with the bedsmobile." :

" Don't worry everyone, everything's under control. Cheif Quimby sent me. Now what seems to be the problem?"

*Jamie momentarily wonders how Moneypenny knows Cheif Quimby before speaking to Gadget* :

Jamie: Inspector Gadget, good! Arrest this psychotic, foot-sucking dwarf immediately!

Gadget: Very well. *Picks up the uncoscious Big Ears* You have the right to remain silent. Now you're going down Mister Vertically Challenged Criminal! I'm willing to bet that you're working for Dr Claw! Go Go Gadget Prison! *A 5-star penal colony suddenly explodes out of Gadget's chest. He hurls Big Ears inside before packing the building neatly back into his body* Another case solved! No need to think me ladies and gentlemen, justice is its own reward. Now, where do I sit?

*Forgets her brave and fearless Bond Girl role and looks terrified as she witnesses the worst case of assault ever witnessed on a bedmobile before letting out a slow squeal of fear and running silently towards James Wumbeevil Bond*

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*quickly looks for somewhere to hide and crawls underneath James' seat before whispering about the viscious attack on poor big ears by a bloke who is running round in the nude covered in whipped cream*

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*moves further backwards until she's virtually invisible and then hands James Wumbeevil Bond a quickly written note saying "Help me. Tiny fairy. Very scared by turn of events. Hiding. Help please."*

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*quietly sits squealing under James chair and looks at the camera with a "you're my only chance James, only you can save us all" look*

*Jamie looks into a different camera with a smug and evil look on his face*

You will never defeat me Mr Bond. No-one has ever faced a naked dwarf-beater with a bucket and some whipped cream and survived.
And besides, I have the power of Inspector Gadget, and all you have is a fairy and a chicken.

Gadget! Seize them and place them in my secret laboratory behind this pillow...

Gadget: Go-Go Gadget tranquilisers!

*In a second, three tranquiliser darts shoot from Gadget's fingertips and disable James Wumbeevil Bond, Tinkerbell and Nanny. Gadget then drags them all into the secret laboratory behind the pillow and straps them to three metal tables that Jamie prepared earlier.*

Point the high-intensity lasers at them Gadget! When they wake up we shall activate them and they will soon begin to feel a little *hot* under the collar!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*Jamie momentarily calms down*

Right, enough of this evil-villain shash. I'm off for a pint and a curry. And to get some clothes. Come and get me when they wake up Inspector Gadget me-old-skip-matey.

Gadget: You can count on me sir.

Prelude: *Wumbeevil notices that drastic action is called for and decides he must sacrifice some of his employer's time to attend to the thread, as he too feels the call of a Friday night's liver damage. For this break in his daily grind he shall be eternally grateful to Jamie.*

*As the Bedsmobile has now rolled to a stop, Noddy stops seeing Hughie and Bert, and slumps back onto the pillow, but he's so exhausted by his stomach upheaval, that he rolls off the pillow and into the secret laboratory. This rolling has the expected effect on Noddy's little tummy and he greets Inspector Gadget by saying, "Berrrrrt" all over him.*

Gadget: Go-go gadget tranquilisers! *nothing happens*

Gadget: GO_GO GADGET TRANQUILISERS!!!

Noddy: Ha, my special blend of Toytown food has gummed up all your gadgets Inspector. Now you are defenceless.

*Noddy swings his head and gives Inspector Gadget a Toytown Glasgow Kiss with the bell on his little blue hat. Gadget falls, stunned in a corner. Quickly Noddy releases the three captives, who show their appreciation in a variety of ways. Nanny nearly crushes him to death and goes to make a "Noice pot o' tae", Tinkerbell grants him a wish, and Bond says "Nice going son, I was going to free myself with Q's Watch acetylene cutter, but you've saved me the trouble"*

Noddy: Where's my friend Big Ears?

Bond: I'm afraid he's in the penal colony inside Gadget.

Noddy: OK Gadget, you disgrace to the force, but very true to life policeman you, release Big Ears at once or it's the diced carrots for you.

*Gadget groans and tries to open his chest cavity, but fails, so Noddy lets him have the full force of a Diced Carrot Stew, with a side portion of Diced carrots, followed by Diced Carrot Flambé. Gadget is totally immobilised.*

Noddy: OK James Wumbeevil Bond, I believe you can use Q's cutter to free my friend now.

*Bond dons his Xray spex and cuts a hole in Gadget's chest right into Big Ears cell. Noddy hugs Big Ears and pulls him free of the Gadget Penal colony.

Big Ears: Couldn't you have waited another hour, it was almost shower time?

007: 'Fraid not Big Ears, we have things to do before Jamie returns. Noddy take my watch and weld Gadget to the front of the Bedsmobile as a hood ornament. Nanny make us some of your hot scones please. Tinkerbell, come with me, we have work to do.

*Bond and Tinkerbell emerge onto what has now become the bridge of the ever-expanding Bedsmobile*

Bond: OK Tinkerbell, I want you to sweet-talk TMJBLC into using the ZX-81 to hack into the computers of the Starship Enterprise and download their shielding software, while I sit and make wisecrack asides to the camera.

*Tinkerbell hugs TMJBLC and whispers in his ear. Five minutes later TMJBLC interrupts Bond's eyebrow practice to tell him that the software has been downloaded and he has rigged up a switch to the dashboard of the Bedsmobile*

Bond: Well done Buttons, remind me to teach you how to drive one day.

*Bond goes to the driver's seat after alienating half his passengers and starts the engine. "OK, Computer 'shields up'". Bond throws a particularly nasty-looking flowery pillow out of the Bedsmobile and it disintegrated in a shower of feathers two feet beyound the bed*

Ha, let's see Jamie get back thru that. Hold on folks we're on our way to Heathrow.

*The Bedsmobile moves off around the pub*

*Drunk as a fart, Jamie staggers out of the pub. Luckily, he's found a lab coat to wear. He is just in time to see the bedmobile speeding off around the corner.*

Ahhhhhhhhhh !@&*!#* !!!

*Jamie burps and shambles off to the car park. He returns driving a motorized sofa and persues the escapees. Jamie shouts into a megaphone attached to the front of the sofa.*

Oi! And just what the hell do you think you're doing?!? I'll see you toast on the fire under my grandmother's chimney for this!

*Jamie grabs the trigger of the AK-47 attached to the front of the sofa and shoots at the swerving bedmobile. The bullets bounce harmlessly off the vehicle's Federation-issue shield.*

Bugger! I'm going to have to have a little think about this one...

*Jamie pursues the bedmobile*

Meanwhile...!

*Jamie pulls a pint of Fosters out of the inside pocket of his lab coat and begins to drink...*

*looks at the camera in a pouting Bond Girl fashion and whilst fluttering her eyelashes speaks to Bond*

"Oh Bond you saved us, you're my hero...I tell you what though that metal table was no where near as comfortable as this bedmobile, my fairy wings are quite crumpled"

*notices Jamie gaining on them and as Bond is so distracted with his attempt to drive the bedmobile in a straight line at 5mph whilst fixing his hair, she waves her magic fairy wand over her head and reappears dressed in her Bond Girl costume*

Hmmmm, there's only one way to save us now...

*turns to TMJBLC to wish him goodbye then looks at James in a Bond Girl fashion before leaping towards the forcefield. TMJBLC struggles to find the switch for the force field providing many minutes of high tension drama before the codes are finally located at the very last millisecond. Cy leaps through the forcefield and lands precariously on the front of Jamies bike*

So Jamie we meet again...

*Cy leans from side to side ducking Jamies punches and avoiding his attempts to throw her off the bike whilst she mutters something about the wrongs of drink driving*

*Cy leaps at Jamie throwing her arms around his neck and spinning him round before finally landing on the back of the motor bike. As Jamie fights back Cy produces a tiny miniature handbag which TMJBLC gave her and proceeds to whack Jamie until he says Ouch. Sadly the handbag is tiny and miniature and so is only the same size as Jamies little finger nail and doesn't actually hurt so much as amuse but the distraction works for long enough.*

You should never mess with a fairy with a handbag...

*Whilst Jamie is dazed by the amusing attack of the tiny miniature handbag Cy manages to knock the gun out of his hand and straight into the gun amnesty box of a passing police man where it'll be taken away and burnt so no further harm will ever come from it*

Haha, now we're more even...

*whilst Jamie is still dazed by the turn of events, Cy crawls forwards and manages to take the driving seat. Grabbing hold of the handle bars she steers the bike away from the bedsmobile and as she is now driving she puts on her tiny miniature Jenson Button replica helmet. With a triumphant smile which is obscured by the helmet she attempts to stop the bike*

Ummm, errr guys...I think I overlooked a vital section of my plan...

*Cy starts to randomly push all the buttons in a vain attempt of finding the brakes, sadly all that happens is that the radio switches on and Tina Turner/Diana Ross/Other woman can be heard booming out of the stereo*

"Goldfinger..."

*Cy gets distracted by the music and starts doing her Goldfinger dance all over again luckily this sufficiently scares Jamie into climbing forwards and stopping the radio whilst at the same time stopping the bike*

Hey where'd the music go?

*Cy notices that the music has stopped along with the bike, leaps from the bike and starts running back towards the bedsmobile which is now on it's merry way to Heathrow but luckily is only several feet in front of her as 007 was too busy doing his hair*

"James...James...turn it around...TMJBLC help me up..."