h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pleasure...now we just have to find someone to come in here so that you can play the music and actively be seen not dancing

* A serious looking personage charging 1000 pounds per hour enters clutching a restraining order*

Good morning revellers. I am here to serve this court order upon a certain Ms Tinkerbell, a fairy of no fixed abode who I believe to be present in this establishment.

My client, namely the injured morning-after party Mr. Wumbeevil, believes he has been the victim of a libellous attack, and wishes to make it perfectly clear that he has at no time inflicted a Celine Dion track on anyone and would never, ever do so under any circumstances.

*spots Tinkerbell hiding behind a wine glass and hands her the restraining order*

Due to a breakdown in DHL's tracking system the current whereabouts of my client are unknown, but he requested that I serve you with this order Ms Tinkerbell, expressly forbidding you from making any more malicious statements, regarding him and Celine Dion, in his absence.

*goes to walk swiftly out of the door, but trips over the prone blue sponge figure of David Hasselhoff*

Ah, Mr. Hasselhoff, so this is where you've been hiding. I believe that your presence is requested in The Hague for Crimes against Humanity and Silicon Rights Violations.

*pulls a trial invitation out of his pocket, gives it to the uberschwimmer, and exits pub left*

*Looking rather releaved and comes out from hiding behind the bar*
Wow, I thought I was the only one to get oders from "* A serious looking personage charging 1000 pounds per hour enters clutching a restraining order*" or anything like that.

My.. where did I put that tracking number??? Well, I know it is here somewhere...

Oh there it is stuck to the bottom my my beer mug. _

I can't read this now! TB can you sprinkle some fairy dust over here and make this thing dry and readable? I was going to call DHL and get W. forwarded to a nice beach in california where a friend of mine you does Sean Connery look alike apearences and really spook him and put him on the new "Son of a Beach" series (brought to you by Howard Stern) - sorry no DH but bodacious other uberschwimmers.

So TB how was that mouth to mouth recess.??? Hmmm everyhting you ever had a bad dream of?

-Jin

Well how rude!
He marches in here, hands over a court order and then wanders off without even having the goodness to dance...
*notices Jin and waves from her car window*
Hiya Jin, you have fudge cake all round your mouth...
*uses the random bit of paper she found in her hand to wipe away cake crumbs and then throws it in the bin before a strange gust of wind blows the candle flame into the bin and ignites the whole thing before being extinguished by an even stranger gust of wind but only after everything in the bin has burnt*
As for the David Hasslehof *shudders* incident I'd rather not think about that...

Anyway it was his Celine CD...he was the one listening to the Titanic soundtrack so it's the truth...not that I mind, if I have to stay here I get to spend the rest of forever with my tiny Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur in this nice little car which is conveniently fitted with all mod cons and has a boot full of white chocolate
*leans back in her reclining chair, switches the surround sound digital imaging tv on to BBC1 in order to listen to Steps, reaches across to take the glass of champagne tiny miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffer has poured for her and sits back to do the Tragedy dance*

What, while in the car?

It's surprisingly spacious inside, it's a very cool car

*a smartly kitted out individual earning 2 green ones an hour arrives carrying what can only be described as a suspicious package. Upon closer inspection it is found to bear a striking resemblance to Picasso's "Wumbeevil after a game of Aussie Rules and delivery by El Cheapo carriers". The cubist Wumbeevil mumbles...*

hrlmph, humwn gt moutha nghere!

*in a vain attempt to reveal his current identity (which may not be the smartest move in the world) as a James Bond, he raises a cubist eyebrow, and shuffles round the room doing a square dance.*

*looks quite confused as to why Wumbeevil is in a Picasso painting but decides to ignore it*

Sorry Wumbeevil I can't help you...
*leans back in her reclining, back massaging car passenger seat and takes a nice long sip of the cool champagne the Tiny Miniature Jenson Button lookalike chauffeur just poured for her*
...y'see I'm sure it had nothing to do with your kind self as you'd never be so mean considering all the cake and whisky I've given you but someone issued a restraining order against me so I can't go anywhere near you...it's most upsetting I have to spend all day and night in here with only my chauffeur for company, of course I can use the live digital satelite link up viewing screen in order to chat to anyone I like in the whole world ever but it's just not the same

By the way why is James Bond not a good idea...seems like a great plan to me I've already got my "Goldfinger" dance perfectly choreographed

ngooin bathtub! ngell ngath ngo nfurry glike a gairy ngorned.

*pours *

And sits back in the corner.

ngrassin nfrassin, ngi ngought mgi gos ngfree ngthere. Ngelp gme gumwum!

Do you think he want help?

*turns up the music on her car stereo in order to drown out the strange noises and then laughs loudly as the Tiny Miniature Jenson Button Look-alike chauffeur tells her an amusing story about a bloke who was once trapped in a painting and had to stay there for ages because he'd been mean to a fairy the day before*

Hiya Menza, nice in here tonight isn't it? Here have some champagne, I was going to give some to Wumbeevil but I'm not allowed anywhere near him...in fact you ought to finish up the chocolate fudge cake to

Tinkerbell, what's happened to your little fairy car? You seem to have replaced it with George Russel. I liked that car

ge gretraiging nodder gonly ngapplied ngto gsaying ngi ghad gut on nga Geline Gdion ngtrack

*Wumbeevil finally clicks that telepathy may be the best way of getting released from the cubist package Jin put him in. Aims powerful thoughts at Menza, "You are Pandora, open the box"*

ARGH, I'M HEARING VOICES.

*downs several large drinks and passes out*

It's Ok S I'm still in the car, the car is still here, here is stil the car, the car is still there...
*regrets drinking the last glass of champagne*
You didn't think I was really going to leave my Tiny Miniature Jenson Button look-alike chauffeur in favour of a poet that *assembles annoyed face* no-one has ever heard of or knows anything about, did you?

Hmmm, anyway, maybe we ought to evacuate the area for a while if you're hearing voices, there's possibly some fumes in here or something...actually a far easier plan is just to turn the music up some more

well if I've got to pull that old military academy joke from HHGG I will, but I'll give Lieutenant Menza one last chance

*Beams hypercaffeineated thoughts at Menza, "There might be a computerised beer cooler in the box, perhaps you should open it". Takes to the dance floor and performs the boxtrot in a vain attempt to gain forgiveness from any miffed fairies who may be present*

*in a caffiene daze he comes too and opens the box.*

*thinks hmmm, Bt's midnight has come suprisingly early today*
Oh now someone's dancing...this just gets worse, first he meanly issues a restraining order and then he dances when he knows I can't join in as I can't come anywhere near him...hmmph!

Besides I'm only going to be my usual nice fairy self once someone manages to tell me in what year George Russel wrote "The Earth Breath And Other Poems" and why there are no web sites dedicated to helping foolish people find what they need to know about George Russel when all the other literary based websites in the world have so far eluded them...