h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

O.K...
*rushes over in a concerned and LADY LIKE fashion*
Are you alright?
*being careful not to step over the patient she checks his pulse to make sure he's still alive*
Hmmm...he's still there...
*turns to TMJBLC*
O.K TMJBLC we have one of two options to wake him up, either I can start singing or we can give him whisky...
*After a close discussion with TMJBLC Tinkerbell tips a shot of whisky into Jamie's mouth and stands back*
Y'know now I think about it whilst he's propped up there he'd make a very handy shadow dancer...

*Wumbeevil uses the ABS on Big Ears little red bicycle to full effect and stops within inches of the prone figure*

The name's Wumbeevil's, James Wumbeevil. Stand aside everyone, I'll handle this...

*attaches a doorknob to a very surprised, passing cupboard, then whilst everyone consoles the upset cupboard, he takes a straw out of his false tooth and rescues the whisky from the unconscious figure*

*looks up and stares at the sylph like figure of the lady. Violins start playing hopscotch in the background, the focus softens, little bluebirds fly around the room, the music heightens to a crescendo as Wumbeevill runs open-armed in slow motion towards the LADY. Then over above her golden fairy locks he notices TMJBLC in the Bedsmobile with Big Ears and the spell is broken..*

Hahahahahha, sophisticated? Hehehehehehe,TMJBLC looks like a reject from the Turner Prize. I'll show you sophistication, dear fairy.

*Gives a whoop and does a double somersault landing astride Big ears little red bicycle, screams, and pedals furiously around the dance floor pretending to be PC Plod's siren to cover up his anguished cries*

*Runs over and hugs TMJBLC* I can't believe you said he was a reject, poor thing he's very sensitive you know

*Goes back over to Jamie who is still lying slumped on the floor and pours some more whisky into his mouth* I saw you take it James Wumbeevil, I know it was you...

And don't think I've forgiven you for passing me over as a Bond Girl, that was just mean, the whole point of putting the Bond mask in the pile was so I got to be the Bond Girl and you wrecked it for me...
*looks at Wumbeevil kneeling on the floor in a black and white tuxedo with a Pierce Brosnan mask on* Although I suppose I could forgive you slightly if you did that eyebrow thing...

*Bond goes into his suave little red bicycle dismount, by crashing into Noddy and sliding 50 feet across the dance floor. He stands up swiftly, brushes himself down, removes ten handbags from his mouth, and looks quizzically at Tinkerbell. Raises left eyebrow by nine inches, turning from Pierce to Roger to Sean in half a second*

Err, Tinkerbell, I don't really know how to break this to you, you've mistaken Big Ears for TMJBLC. Have you been hitting the Fairy Liquid again?

*The producer, Chubby Cauliflower, saunters into the room and spots a starlet in the making*

Oh yes, I think we have found your co-fairy, Pierce. Young lady, would you leave Big Ears alone, there's a dozen Enid Blyton lawyers outside waiting to serve writs on you. Now I'd like you to do a screen test for me.

*Looks around, spots the Organics poster and removes the white bikini. Bond gives a hint of a smile and adjusts his collar and cuffs. Chubby hands the bikini to Tinkerbell*

Would you mind putting this on and climbing into that lager filled ashtray please. Then I want you to walk towards me slowly.

*thinks Wumbeevil is possibly laying on the apology a bit thick now but doesn't mind as hhe got Pierce to do the eyebrow thing*

Ooooh, this is a nice bikini...and it makes me look more tanned...I think I might like this starlet thing although I am quite concerned as to what I'll be a starlet of exactly as that was never specified...

*starts strolling towards the beer but then remembers TMJBLC and runs over to check it's ok for him to be left with the Scary Big Ears and eveil Noddy whilst at the same time dismissing all claims that she danced with Big Ears as it's just not true and any links which were going to be made as a part of a mean joke can thus not be made*

Just out of interest why do I have to walk through a beer filled ashtray it's quite uncomfortable and I suspect there's going to be some really bad joke at the end of this

*flashes her largest smile at the camera and flutters towards the director*

*Chubby chokes on his chihuahua*

No jokes, you mean you don't remember Ursula emerging from the sea in Dr. No? My finest ever scene?

http://kino.freepage.de/nilsh/drno.htm

Now here's your speargun I made from two elastic bands and a cigar stub. Are you going to do a screentest for my resurrection movie Bond Night Fever or not? I can get Sheila Hancock you know.

Sorry only ever read the book never saw the film...well I don't think I have they all tend to merge
*looks around for the beer filled ashtray and then wanders over to do her screen test*
So I have to walk through this looking elegant *wonders if that word is too close to elephant to be a sensible choice in front of Wumbeevil* and graceful? shouldn't be a problem for a fairy of my sophistication...
*flicks her blond curls for effect, flutters her wings and struts elegantly through the manky beer, delicately flicking a cigarette butt away from her new fairy high heels before flashing her best movie star smile towards the camera*

*Chubby picks up his phone and calls Sheila Hancock. The room is silent apart from the snoring of Big Ears and TMJBLC*

Hello Sheila, I've got some bad news for you, we seem to have discovered a star in the making in the Forum and Firkin, but if you ever want that part as the singing coconut tree, just give me a call OK?

Right Ms Fairy, you've got the part. One problem tho, I think the high heels might sink into the sand, so could you wear insoles in your flipflops to make yourself taller instead?

*bounces up and down excitedly then remembers she's supposed to be agraceful and elegant 'it' girl so flicks her hair and looks bored*
yeah do I get to be a Bond Girl then?
*looks at Wumbeevil suspiciously*
Or have I just been given the part of a tree in the background?
Hmmm
I have to wear flip flops? I don't own flip flops...can't I wear sophisticated heeled sandals instead, they've been worn on beaches before and they've been fine
*starts to demonstrate the sandals by walking across the forum sandpit which hidden in a tiny annex next to the swing set*

Yes, you've got the part, I'm tempted to begin shooting right now. We were all going to fly out to Jamaica to film there, but now that you've shown me the delightful amenities present here I've changed my mind. I'm sure the rest of the cast will widh to thank you when I call them back from Heathrow.

Now the difficult bit, thinking of a name for you.

*reality break, sorry about the delay, there's someone throwing occasional items out from a flat below me!*

Ah, I knew I'd find this again sometime. Now Ms about to become-rich-and-famous, I want you to go to http://www.dvd.com/stories/play/bondgirls/ and report back with your Bond Girl name.

*stands giggling to herself*
Hmmmm...
*giggles more*
I just got my name Mr Director person...
*giggles again but then remembers she's supposed to be a lady so stands looking bored again*
Having tried several variations of my name in an attempt to get rid of my original name I have come up with several options which I can cope with...
*giggles again at the first one she got and then reverts to looking bored*
Right, first off we have 'Cy Kotic' which I really don't think does me any favours but I think is perhaps the best
But that's without the second half of my first name, if I use that and do it properly I get 'Em Ihotorwhat' which did appeal to me somewhat more...
Thirdly I got 'Queen Foranhour' but that's a bit dull although I do quite like the idea of being a fairy queen...
*giggles again at the one she's missed off and decides not to reveal it but just to sit giggling to herself instead*
So which do you think is the most appropriate Bond Girl name?
*wonders why she's bothering to ask this when it's clear what the answer is going to be*

Well if you don't want to me known as "Bond Bimbo 44" for evermore instead of "that lovely gal whose acting reallly impressed me when she played the part of ???? ?????" in the latest Bond film, then that's up to yourself.

If it's any consolation, then MY real name appears as "Plethora Mounds", whilst Wumbeevil generates the unforgettable "Slappy Goodtime".

The latter is a name I am particularly fond of for this part.

Your input would be welcome, dear lady.

*Collapses and hears TRAGEDY running around his head.*

*whispers quietly in order to create a strange echoeing effect*
"when the feelings gone and you can't go on it's Tragedy!"

*reverts to normal fairy volumed voice*
Right then so I guess I'm stuck with Cy Kotic as my Bond Name
Anyway I hope you weren't suggesting that I or even you were called Slappy Goodtime as you're distinctly 'James Wumbeevil Bond 007 but not Timothy Dalton as he was actually quite bad' and I'm now 'Tinkerbell aka Bond Girl Cy Kotic but only in name not by nature'

So when do we start filming then? And can it be in Jamaica please...in fact you have to let it be shot in Jamaica as otherwise I shall repeatedly sing the song which you probably played yesterday about "My uncle John from Jamaica keeps on calling on the phone" by the band who no-one appreciates Purleeeease?

Out, damned Satanic DJ, out. Get outta my head.

*reverts to dead highly respected director Chubby Cauliflower*

OK CY, but no one will remember you after this movie, unless you actually LIVE the part.

I'm not sure about filming on location yet. It's a difficult choice, Montego Bay or The Forum and Firkin? Maybe if you threaten me with the song a bit more, it might help me decide. At the moment the effect of your threat is zero, as I haven't a clue what the song is, tho I'm getting bad vines about Steps, but that's nothing unusual.

*reverts to James Wumbeevil Bond, licensed to be on the streets*

I think you'ld better tell him Cy, and make it good, cos I've got my Bermudas packed.

*raises an inquisitively romantic left eyebrow*

Sorry I guess this was the thread I was trying to protect you from

*turns to highly respected directory bloke*
I don't think bond girls are supposed to be Cy Kotic so I don't think I will be...it'll still be wonderful though honestly

*looks shocked at the fact that he's just been to a kids party and doesn't have any idea what song she's on about*
"My uncle John from Jamaica keeps on calling on the phone, tells me to pack up my bags and go on holly holly day"?
I'm not allowed to mention the band incase Menza stops by to get James Bonds autograph but it's by the same band as "Hello Party people. This you captain Kim speaking, welcome aboard _____ Airways, please fasten your seat belts because we're going to eat pizza"

*giggles at the concept of a romantic eyebrow*
So can we film in Bermuda now?

Damn, I thought of them (yes I did, and I have the mental scars to prove it). You'll be pleased to hear that it was played last night, but I must have succesfully anaesthetized myself, and the memory is vague (and leave it that way, thank you). I don't think I'm banned from mentioning them, but I've had enough abuse for one weekend so I'm not going to bother. I think Menza and Amy are the only two who somehow forgot there was an Abuseawumbeevilathon going on which raised many lumps on my head for charity.

*the dead director puts on a grave face*

Well, as long as you promise it'll be wonderful, I suppose we can fly out to the Caribbean, but we're taking the original - Coconut Airways. And Bermuda is out of the question, the last time I filmed there, an ex-pat sheepytype person kept ruining all the takes by saying, "Never Shay Never Again". Never again. btw does anyone know what we're filming? Not that it matters, but I thought I'd better ask.

*Chubby returns to spinning in his mobile grave. The suave, sophisticated Wumbeevil Bond mounts Big Ears little red bicycle and pedals furiously with his knees hitting his firm testosterone-induced chin, cycles up the ramp to the disabled toilet, up the door, and does a backflip onto the Bedsmobile. Once he stops screaming, he squeaks, gives up, and resorts to frantic eyebrow semaphore*

Hey Noddy Noddy, we're off to Jamaica, attach a tow rope to Chubby and hop in.

*The bewildered and slightly cretinous childrens' character ties a rope to Chubby's toe and jumps into the Bedsmobile with TMJBLC, Big Ears and Numero Uno Beefcakes'r'Us. Bond turns to his co-star, (cue: entire orchestra of violins leaping into life), and ever-so-slooowly semaphores...*

OK Annie *cue: absolute silence from violins*...err sorry, that was my mother's name,...OK Cy hop in, and no trying to endanger my life before we reach Heathrow, alright?

*Cy smiles, and cunningly avoids sitting in the obvious ejector pillow beside Bond. Instead she snuggles up to TMJBLC, who starts reading her a Bedsmobiletime story as the vehicle roars around the pub looking for stragglers and a plot*

"Once upon a time in Toytown in the days before political correctness there lived a little boy called Noddy, who shared a bed with Big Ears. One day PC Plod looked in the window and said "Allo, allo, allo, wot's going on here then? Ms Blyton, have you never heard of Section 28? Don't give me that old, 'But officer, I've been dead for forty years' excuse, your stories are a threat to this nation's children and I am placing you under arrest in Toytown jail whilst a team of unemployable scriptwriters rewrite your vile pink propaganda. Oh, and as I'm now Mr Plod, this is a citizen's arrest..."

TMJBLC looks round and sees that Tinkerbell is fast asleep, (yeah, yeah, yeah, along with anyone else reading this crap. Happy?), puts the book down and snuggles up to Big Ears. Meanwhile Noddy is being carsick out of the Bedsmobile and the bell on his little blue hat has already decapitated five of Menza's regulars... to be discontuned (with any luck).

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

*Awakens to find herself snuggled up to TMJBLC and decides she likes this film already*

*Looks at James Wumbeevil Bond and noticing his eyebrows have become completely erratic and taken on a life of their own she catches them in a jar and replaces them on his head*

*Turns to directory type bloke*
Are you sure we can't fly ______ Airways as I can get Captain Kim to fly us there at a special discount rate as long as I sing the songs all the way there and back?
*Notices looks of panic as excuses are thought up*
I wouldn't worry I'm not going to sing all the time!
*mutters "only on the way back when I can't be left out of the film"*

*Notices that Jamie has somehow ended up on the motorised bed and wonders how everyone is managing to fit on it especially as it's only a single bed*
Hi Jamie didn't see you over there, are you feeling any better?
*passes him some more whisky to brighten him up a bit*
Hmmm...

*turns back to Wumbeevil Bond*
He doesn't say much does he? Anyway James I'm sure you know what we're filming as Bond always has an answer for everything don't you?
By the way when do I have to get in role as the simpering Bond Girl? And can I have another bed time story tonight please? I enjoyed it greatly y'see

*snuggles back up to TMJBLC and sits patiently for James Wumbeevil Bonds eyebrows to raise and the story to begin*

*The plot thickens*

*TMJBLC awakens to find himself the centre of attention as both Tinkerbell and Big Ears vie for his affections. Big Ears tries to give TMJBLC his little red bicycle, but has to install an onboard Sinclair ZX-81 and stabilisers before TMJBLC is capable of riding it around the bed*

*Chubby Cauliflower begins to have doubts about the wisdom of his choice of Bond's co-star, "Sure her dance routine for the intro was great, but I don't want to end up filming Bond the Musical with Cy bursting into the same song at every available opportunity. I mean what could be worse than that?". His phone rings, "No Mr. Flatley, I am not interested in your idea for You Only Riverdance Twice, goodbye". Chubby decides to put his foot down about the airline, but finds it tied to the rear of the speeding Bedsmobile. He sighs and returns to being dead.*

*Bonds eyebrows are all shaggied out after a long night's semaphoring. They snuggle up together, pulling his eyelids over themselves, fight about who has stolen the most eyelids, and then fall asleep, leaving Bond with a maniacal stare and one enormous eyebrow in the middle of his forehead. Fortunately Bond's voice has lowered, in direct proportion to other parts of his anatomy, and he is now capable of normal hunky speech*

Ah, Jamie welcome aboard, for a minute there I thought you had become Noddy's sickth decapitation.

*Tries to raise an "I'm so happy with that pun, I really should raise an eyebrow", eyebrow, but the eyebrows are having none of it*

Anyway Jamie, Chubby tells me you were actually auditioning for the part of Jaws, so I suppose we'd better pick up your bit of love interest before we leave the pub. Ah there she is. Jamie meet Nanny, the underrated star of Count Duckula.

*The six foot chicken jumps onto the moving bed, breaking five springs and three of Jamie's ribs, but not necessarily in that order, "Helloo Jamieboos, now just you sit back and Nanny will make you a nice cuppa tae, and then we'll rehearse our love scene, you naughty, naughty boy."*

*Bond turns to TB, and the violins burst into life. He tries to raise a quizzical eyebrow and fails. Automatically the backup procedure kicks in and a nasal hair descends from his left nostril, forms itself into a question mark, then retreats from whence it came*

Ah Tinkerbell my dear, do you really want to be a simpering female? I had hoped you'ld be more of a Grace Jones type, with that little fairy handbag swinging at every opportunity.

I'm sorry, I don't think we've got room for a story tonight, but we'll end with a bit of melodrama, shall we? I'm suddenly feeling very, very sleepy...

*Bond falls asleep, open-eyed at the wheel, and the Bedsmobile careers wildly around the pub. Big Ears scarifices his chances of a long and fruitful relationship by removing the ZX-81 from his little red bicycle, causing TMJBLC to fall off, and connecting it to the Bedsmobile. Unfortunately the 4K RAM pack wobbles and the Bedsmobile zooms towards the door of the Gents....*