h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hooooooow can you tell meeeeeee youuuuurr'e lo-anly, and say f'you that the sun doan't shine....

We are the Righteous Knights of Kettering, coming soon to a stand-off siege near you.

...Well, near you if you live in Kettering.

Or Deptford.

Moi non plus.

You certainly are Vladimir, dear heart, you certainly are.

Now, what are you going ot take as your Name of Power?

The Pariah of Pertitude!

I've been extolling your mayoral virtues in the lounge at Frink's.
In fact, I've been giving away electoral pies in the hope of bribing the voters.

All hail the Great Hairless Beaver! My, what sharp teeth you have.
Verily, let us recruit the masses to dig our bunkers with their manicured barbie doll hands.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of Kettering, yet I fear not.

For one is soon to rise from the depths of Deptford, and they will smite forth with mighty vengeful machine guns, laying vast tracts of Northamptonshire to waste....

With an agent of your obvious capacity for dirty dealing and back handed shinnangans we cannot possibly fail!!

I have improved on our Cult Page, but I shall have to approach some of our programming supporters (Bruce and Si) for some help in sprucing it up!

I shall now vanish into the wilderness till the moon has passed over thrice.

*poof*

Lynch mobs! Death Squads! Babies being born without brains! The mad heat and the relentless rains!
The end is surely nigh!!

A moniker? How about..
Victorious Vengeful (born again) Virgin of Virtuousnes (death to all non believers)

No brimstone. No flames. No horned imps poking you with pitchforks. No maggots consuming your vital organs. No dunking in tubs of evil-smelling stuff.

The images of Hell as presented to us in the bible must be correctly interpreted. "More than a physical place, hell is the state of those who freely and definitively separate themselves from God," the Pope was recently reported as saying.


Alas he said it in Polish and most of the world could not understand a word of his speech.

Can I join up. Mr Dmemted sounds like an interesting moniker

KETTERING!!!...........HELP!!!.........NO!!>>>>>>>*Shazz Hi-tails it out of Northampton as quick as she can!!*

Well, if being in the original forum makes me a member, all I need is a monicer... how about The Potentate of Pletheral Punishment. I think I made the word Pletheral up, but I know plethera exists...

Yea, as moon on high DOTH climbe cannily INto the sky, it waxeth AND it waneth over THRICE blessed, THRICE damned Kettering, AND unto them that DID stand NAKED bossomed, BATHED in lunar lunacy and illumiNAtion, the figure of the ONE who WAS to come after, the FIGURE of doom and OF salvation, crying TEARS of lukewarm coffee upON the faceless masses OF the congregation of true believers, who DID tremble and DID waiver at the sight, but who DID NOT turneth away their eyes for THEY knew that HE or, quite possibly that SHE was with them, and looked FROM on high upON them, and DID spit upon them saliva of lentle SOUP from the salivary GLANDS of faith, and they WERE saved, and the DID eat Robins Minstrel, and there WAS much rejoicing.

Praise BE!

Hallelujuh

Hmmmmmmm!!
shazz

..... and then the vengeful one of Deptford strode forth from the bunker of Kettering and S/He looked on his/her works and was pleased.



....And then S/He saw Northampton.

All praise to the vengeful one. Let there be breaking of bones, eating of chicken, and drinking of much ale. Let the pestilence be scourged from our streets with the righteous fires of the apocalypse.

Welcome, one and all. These are dark times, but our way shall be lit with the burning cadavers of the heretics (is that too harsh? ). We must stand strong against the whisperings of small haddocky creatures.

This is our time!! Rise up fair knights! Rise up!

I am risen! Iam risen!

Aaaiiiiiieeeee!

*And from thenceforth did the Knights go about their duty with unbending will and Righteous endeavour. And on the 4th day of the 7th moon a spectre di appear before them and it let it be known that its Mayoral preference was none other that the chosen one, the great hairless Beaver. There was much rejoicing in the land of Kettering and the Californians built more bunkers to contain the spoils of war.

And some Pork Pies*

Large and Pert! Large and Pert! A time shall come and verily and so on, yea the multitude is strong though my bladder be weak....

(Merkin, I'm off to the loo, I'll cult more in a bit.)

Fear not, Pariah, for the slackness of your bladder is the juxtapose *spoken in serge-like accent* of the tautness of your zeal. (and might I add, a very useful weapon against the infidel hordes)

I have updated our cult headquarters with our new brothers and sisters.

Praise be to the Vengeful One.

Ma'huish U'qui Kettering.

I really do not like the direction this is going!
shazz

What do you expect? We're post apocalyptic gun-toting Pork pie obsessed loons, with a penchant for pertness.

He's right you know, we are! But it's all good, healthy stuff. Especially the perter aspects.

Can we interest you in an honorary membership Shazz?

What does "Ma'huish U'qui" mean? How do I make a link appear in a forum posting? And where are the ceremonial Kumquats?

To make a link use "Edit" on the tool bar to copy the forum address/article/whatever and then go to the forum you want to post it in and use "Edit" to paste it. The guide makes it clickable automatically.

See, I only learned that recently and I'm the Pariah of Pertitude.

....and on the 12th day, the Knights looked upon Northamptonshire and they saw much that was evil and needed cleansing. They called upon the ONE who would rise hereafter to show them the way,and it was good. At Kettering train station, the Prophet foresaw nine score and ten howling Californians.And in the fields of California, the heretics wept for their children.