h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can someone please tell me what goes on in men's tiny brains? Cos they're all driving me CRAZY!! I'm pulling my hair out here.

What's the matter Mina?

I just want to know why they say one thing and mean another. Why can't I get a straight answer?
Living a life of decandance isn't all it's cracked up to be. Men get feelings when they said they wouldn't.

All men have feelings (naturally) but society has taught us to hide them away or they will be ruthlessly exploited. If the man in your life is showing feelings it may be that he has forgotten this painful lesson of childhood - you must mock him in front of his peers until he remembers .
Actually - there is no manual...all humans are deeply madly irrational and odd - and thank goodness for that.

I don't really understand them, seem to be doing better but that's only since I realised they are a law unto themselves and you can NEVER judge what they're thinking by what you would think, that was a big turning point in my confusion.

There was a very good point here. Men have been taught to hide their (our) feelings. I know that during my relativly short life, I have been burned each and every time I have shown my feelings. Either I've been mocked, faced with disbelif or simply looked at by people (friends) with scared faces. (It's getting better now, thanks. )
I think at least women are as far from understanding men as one can possibly be. Somehow I have seen pefectly honest, nice men be slapped in the face and called swines by women. Later those very same women speak with soft, quivering voices about how wonderfull some other bloke who is obviously a lying, cheating, insensetive swine.
Someone should build a simultan-translator to better communication between the sexes.

It should of course read "lying, cheating, insensetive swine _IS_."
Thank you for taking the time to read this amendment.

I think you are asking the wrong question.I think it should be why can't I understand PEOPLE?It is people who are confusing,confused,loving,hateful,lying,cheating,sensitive,generous,jealous,kind,angry,selfish,lazy,energetic,obsessional,joyful,happy,complex,irrational all at once.I don't think I need to go on as that would be labouring the point.Just to say that some people show all this,others don't.

I like the idea about mocking him in front of his peers. Good advice, thank you.
I don't mind men having feelings, but when they say they won't get them and do, it's unfair to me.

Mina... it's simple: tie him up and spank the be-Jesus out of him. That'll teach him to keep his feelings to himself, thank you very much.

Generally, I agree with Incognitas. It's not "men" or "women".. it's people. Let's drop the gender and the planetary geneses and just think of everybody as members of the same trial-by-error species.

Btw, Mina, where are you from?

I came along to make the same point as you and Incognitas. It's not a male/female thing at all. There are women out there just as crazy too. It's lazy to catagorise all men as emotionally unreadable. (is that a term? If not, I've just made it up. ) They're just people you get on with, and therefore understand, or people you don't. Don't listen to women's magazines - there's no war on.

I quite agree.

Just over a year ago I was with a girl who had the most incredible emotional oscillations, unreadableness, hypocrisy etc. The break-up hurt a lot, and it took a while before I was ready to see anyone else. But at the end of the day, it was just *her*, not women in general.

I am now with someone who is the exact opposite; a fantastic person who I've got so much in common with, and I'm completely and utterly in love with her. No reservations from either of us, we're both very happy to say exactly how we feel at all times.

B&CG, you sound quite sensible, and I hope you have that sort of healthy relationship with someone special.

That's lovely. Hope whoever it is gets to read it.

I'd like to throw my two cents in here as well. Mina, I'd like to know - in what way did he say he wouldn't have feelings, but had them? If you think about it, how is it possible for anyone to not have feelings about something? Even indifference is a feeling. Did he get mad at you for doing something when he said he wouldn't? That's a bit different from saying he wouldn't be sad when watching a movie, and cried through the whole thing. Is it fair to expect someone not to have feelings about something? Maybe - but it would be very situation-specific, and I know that I for one would definitely need to know what the case was before making a decision about it.

Another point to ponder - he could have intended to not "feel" anything, not realizing how much whatever it was would affect him. That happened to me, and it caused my relationship a lot of stress, but we worked our way through it (with a LOT of talking ).

As my final point - the comment about the women's magazines was excellent! I agree wholeheartedly. And in fact, an American humourist, Dave Barry, wrote a humour column about it several weeks ago. I might try to post it on my space for people to take a look at.

-Marduk

Forgot my last (and most important) point

TALK!!! Talk about it with him. Dont talk TO him, or AT him. Talk WITH him. Discuss it with him. Discuss how it made you feel, discuss why you thought it was inappropriate, or unfair to you. But most of all, discuss why he did it, and what he thought he was doing. Make sure he realizes that you're not being aggressive, but that you are concerned. There is no way ot find out what any perosn is thinking or feeling better than actually asking them. And I think you will find that he did not intend to be unfair to you. People usually are not like that. He may not even have realized what he did.

Always remembered - discussion and openness (with a good amount of privacy and respecting the other's boundaries) is the key to any relationship. A lack of discussion leads to constant miscommunication, which leads to misunderstanding. That leads to anger, etc.

-Marduk

I'm from Essex. And I'm glad I asked now, as there is some really good advice here. Thanks very much to you all.

And for someone who agreed with me that the relationship was "just casual" he's making a big effort to keep me from moving on.

Mina, does it help to view it as a compliment?

Mina

My twopenn'th are that casual relationships are almost always more "casual" one on side than the other. He may have not anticipated the feeling he now has for you.

*However*, if you're done, you're done. I'd let him know as soon as possible, so he can deal with it.

RULE FOR THE DAY ( for "the day" read "life"):

Honesty all the time and as soon as possible.

*gets off soap box*

Oh, and Ben's right, it could be a compliment... depends whether *you* feel anything...

A

It's *so* sharing today, don't you think..?

A

Yes, it's a nice compliment.
I should feel flattered. In fact I do. What a lovely chap. Now I feel worse again.