h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You didn't offend me at all. I think most of my problems stem from having a Mother who treated me extremely badly no matter how hard I tried to please her. Having been endlessly criticised, I now try to please eveyone around me and they just take advantage of it.

Speaking as a man, slug, which I am, I can't avoid the urge to be glib. Men (at their worst, anyway) will always reject 'needy', but haven't the guts (often) to reject outright and will therefore treat you badly. Your analysis simply says, deal with your mother. She is, apparently, insecure, and you have to understand that, and get that sorted, before you are ready for big outside world with horrible men in it. And, I'm serious now, don't go around calling yourself 'slug'. It speaks of low self esteem!

I have dealt with my Mother by cutting her out of my life. Unfortuantely I am already in the Big Outside World, I have a husband (who won't let me leave him) and 4 sons to look after. Perhaps I'll tell you the full horrendous story some time, but at the moment it's all a bit too painful.

P.S. The thing is I' m not 'needy', I'm too capable, no man has ever done anything for me, they expect me to do EVERYTHING for them, and complain bitterly if I don't.

Well, this is neither the time nor place, and I'm no counsellor.

Please, however, call yourself 'wonderwoman' or 'she who will not be left' or something positive. As a start. And it doesn't sound as if you have dealt with your mother at all.

I will shut up.

*big hugs for slug*

As another suggestion, for all interested...

Perhaps pick up a book or two, or take a course, in social psychology and behavioural psychology. You may laugh at this idea, of course, and I realize that to moany people, there is still this stigma of psychology being fraudulent, no more than mere philosophizing about human thoughts and behaviours. I used to think so, too, as a matter of fact.

But then, along my journey to become a medical doctor (general practitioner, to be specific; still on the road, actually), I decided to take a few psychology courses, in order that I could do counselling for my patients, when I have them and should they need it. And I realized something - this stuff DOES go a long way in explaining people's behaviours.

Specifically, behavioural psychology teaches you how to look at the world in terms of stimuli (everything that is going on around us that affects us), and responses (everything that we do as a result of any of those stumli). And more than that, it goes on to show how things that we do are as a result of some sort of positive reinforcement (reward) which outweighs any negative reinforcement (punishment), but most importantly, that for each person it's different, and what one person sees as a reward might not be something we see as a reward. As an oversimplified example, if one child likes chocolate ice cream, and another one doesn't (I actually have a friend who doesn't like chocolate - he's an anomaly ), the child who doesn't like it will not really like getting it, will he (or she)? And so if you say, "clean up your room and I'll give you chocolate ice cream", the response will probably be a whine, "But I don't LIKE chocolate ice cream!"

And where does social psychology fit in? Well, it's basically he study of how the individual is affected by and affects the social environment. It teaches how we interact with other people, and shows us different types of motivations and ways of thinking that we use to put our view of the world together. And to be honest, a lot of it is common sense, but you'd be surprised at how much of it is counter-intuitive, and only makes sense in retrospect.

Now, just to counter my pitch for psychology, I want to warn you that even after taking a couple of courses or reading several books on the topics, you will not be an expert, and you will not be able to accurately analyse everyone you see. However, it will give you a good insight into what makes people tick.

If you want to know more, just ask . I'm not an expert, but I'm more than happy to share what I know.

-Marduk

Very early on in my relations with me, I decided that I would never understand them unless I studied the men in my family in close proximity. I have... for ten years I have now conducted David Attenborough style expeditions into their world (remember the scene with him and the silver back gorilla?)

Sadly for me, I have got no closer to understanding them at all. In fact I think this plan might have had an adverse effect on the relationships I have had.. but what is a girl to do?

I've actually given up trying to understand them now.
I don't understand lots of things, but that doesn't stop me from making the most of them.
So I'll just try not to hurt them and carry on as I am. That's the best I can do.

I can go with that, Mina, but please can the reverse be true also, and we men can give up trying to understand women? Please?

*reads a few postings*

Waaahhhh!!
*Sid gets out quick!*

Don't give up, Mina. Undertsanding people in general is difficult, because we're very complex critters. And it becomes even more intimidtaing when you think abotu how we're each different, and what makes one person tick doens't do beans for another.

But that should also be a source of inspiration. If you *know* and *understand* that there are differences, and what's more, if you really feel it (by which I mean a knowledge that goes deeper than just intellectually acknowledging the fact that there are differences; knowing in the sense that you know who you are) then you will not be turned away from the fact that you don't understand him.

There is an old joke, and please forgive me for not remembering how it goes perfectly (the punchline will not be funny). But it bears repeating. It tells about a husband and wife who have a wonderful marriage, and their friends ask them their secret of success. The man tells his male buddies that he gives in to the unimportant things, like taking out the trash and tidying, and things like that, so that when it comes time to make important decisions, like watching sports on Sunday afternoon, she'll feel obligated to let him have his way, and will give in. The wife tells her friends that she gives in to the unimportant things, like letting him watch sports on Sunday afternoon, so that for the important things, lke taking out the trash, he will feel obligated to give in to her.

The point of that poorly told joke is that men and women think very differently. And you can no more really FEEL how a man thinks any more than you can feel, say, how it is to have a long beard, or a goatee. On the other hand, a man can no more FEEL how a woman thinks than he could understand what it is like to wear a bra. He can try it on, but it will never be the same. BTW - when I say feel or understand, I mean a kind of knowledge like I meant above - it goes beyond just intellectual knowledge, yes, there is a sun; yes, a dog barks. It's an intuitive understanding.

Getting on... (and trying not to get too muddled in the process) you should know that you don't need to understand HOW men think in order to understand WHAT men think. They are two totally different things. You can know that he likes to watch football or rugby or whatever, and hates going to art shows. Or he likes chocolate, but hates tomatoes.

That may not be helpful in terms of why is he feeling what he's feeling, but it can, in the long run, be useful. You'll never know why anyone feels what they feel unless you ask them directly. And then it'll all boil down to "I like this..." or "I don;t like this..." Why does he have these feelings? Well, chances are, he;s attracted to you. I think that's a given, right? Why did he tell you he wouldn't have feelings? Well, first, that's a foolish promise to make. Second, maybe he didn't, and didn't think he'd develop them. Third, maybe he did, but lied about it in hopes that you would develop some. There are always many different ways of looking at a situation, and many different factors in the causality of a situation. The important thing to realize is that you won't get the whole story unless you ask him.

hope some of this helps

-Marduk

Everybody says that men and women think differently. What's the differ? I found eventually some books written by John Gray. He got some ideas about this issue.
Sometimes I think that after living together with smb for 5 years is just moving towards the understanding the difference is there. For finding out how to deal with it takes about 50 years, I guess.

I think several people do seem to have the idea about the opposite sex. John Fowles in his books or Roddy Doyle (particularly "The woman who walked into doors") were books that struck me very much in this way. Can't think of a woman who wrote from a man's point of view off hand.

So basically, it depends on the individual. Even if some people can write accurately about the workings of the opposite sex, they still might be lousy mates. I have never understood women, either, felt more comfortable with the open and uncluttered way boys, and later men, thought. You can't generalise, some men think more like women and some women think like men. Maybe we should start with ourselves and judge people from a different standpoint.

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I did come across a book recently called 'Ralph's Party' (This is a light read, not a work of great literature) which was written by a Lisa Jewell, who I take to be a woman, and seemed to me to have men well sorted out. Bits of them anyway.

"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" has caused more arguments in our household than you could imagine. My husband picked out all the bits in his (a man's favour) and took to quoting them endlessly. His favourite was the part which says women should not criticise men. To him this meant he could do what the hell he liked and when I so much as commented on his dreadful behaviour, he would shout "it says in the book, you're not allowed to criticise me!!" I eventually threw the book out, which caused even more problems as I was then accused of being wasteful and unable to face up to the truth (i.e. his biased interpretation of the book).

Some books are OK, but others just tend to make you over-analyse situations rather than confronting the stark reality and this only complicates the issue.

Is your husbands name Homer?

No - but when my 13 yr. old son went for an interview at his new school, the headmaster asked him what his favourite programme was and he replied "The Simpsons". When asked why he liked the Simpsons, he replied "Because Homer Simpson drinks lots of beer like Daddy!!". - Need I say more?

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