h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

And someone came into the workshop Bernard the mechanic (formerly known as Possibly Arthur or Gringle the Purple) driving a Holden, and said, "This is where chapter two shall reside... if you've just tuned in, the beginning of this story is in the "Is this a good idea..." conversation in this forum."

(I meant the workshop OF Bernard the mechanic, who, by the way, was the only living Bernard left in the world)

Bernard ofcourse jumped out of the way as the man drove the holden into Bernard's work station. Bernard was mighty pissed off and decided to...

As Stupid the Dog and the Three Blind Mice prepared their nefarious scheme, Possibly Merlin (who was still trying to cope with the disasters caused by his alleged time traveling) realized something. "Hey!" he said. "I can move faster now! Thank goodness chapter two started. Now, where was that plot I was trying to assemble. . ."

(back to the plot that was already running before stupid the dog entered chapter 2)...(bernard decided to) burn down his shop and collect the insurance money. So he went off to the gas station and on his way...

he ran into a power pole. 'ouch' he said while

...while ...pondering exactly who he was as opposed to who he might have once been and had formerly been and might possibly be again. He was also wondering why Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds seems always to be just the girl with kaleidoscope eyes and Merlin always at the very least seemed to remain a wizard, whether or not he was actually THE Merlin the Magician (or maybe they were really wondering if he was THE merlin -- as in the blue merlin that got away) while he (formerly a purple Bernard who could have been Arthor) was in constant termoil without a solid heritage line.

"Oh, excuse me," he said to the ouching pole. "Don't you think there's so much more room here and that I should be able to avoid bumping into things?"

Unfortunately, that was not to be. Due to an unhealthy amount of pina coladas he had been drinking earlier in the story and were just beginning to affect him (hey, didn't Arthur start the story as a little boy?), the power pole seemed to jump in his way wherever he went.

Indeed, our hero began the story as a little boy, but grew quite a bit older (old enough to drink, have sex, drive and travel through time) while we waited for Chapter One to load.

Despite some theories, the power pole wasn't in fact following him and deliberately jumping in his way... it had just woken up with a hangover from millennium celebrations and hadn't even seen him coming.

However, somewhere in a land far, far away a strange bearded, robed man with a scythe who had previously devoted his life to death was now serving alcohol (so his occupation really hadn't changed much) to a mentally disturbed dog who was running from a pack of green weasles.

Of course, whether or not the green weasels actually existed is anyone's guess. You never can tell with drunk, mentally disturbed dogs.

Bernard, the hero formerlly known as Possibly Arthur, eventually reached the petrol pumps and began pumping the smelly liquid into his carry carton.
Lucyintheskywithdiamonds meanwhile was back home drinking tea and attempting to disperse the hangover of the New Millennium, with little success. And wondering if the stream of weasels running through the house whilst singing something she couldn't quite place but it definitly sounded backwards, where real or just a part of the peach schnapps hangover hallucination.

After filling his tank with gas, Previously Possibly Arthur paid the guy who runs the gas station with money that just happened to appear from nowhere. When the gas attendant looked at the party hat he was wearing, he said, "You know, the new millenium doesn't begin until. . ." At this point, Death was looking over the work he *should* be doing, noticed what this man was about to say, and killed him on the spot.

With the gas attendant dead Bernard rifled through the attendants pockets. He grabbed the gas and the complimentrary toy car and headed off to burn down his shop when...

...a gam of green weasels tried to attack him, but were trampled by a crash of rhinocercous, which were in turn scared off by a leap of leopards (the plurals--crash and leap--are correct...look 'em up). Our hero paid no attention, saying to no one in particular 'In keeping with this story's trend of strange compound surnames, I will henceforth be known as Bernard Possiblyarthur-Exgringlethepurple.' Then he went to his shop to have a 'fire sale', but, being inexperienced in setting fires to collect insurance money, accidentally blew himself up. Fortunately, Death was having so much fun being a bartender, he wasn't doing his other job,so Bernard Possiblyarthur-Exgringlethepurple survived, albeit in little charred pieces.

When along came Stupid the dog. The small charred pieces of Bernard smelled wonderful, so Stupid ate them. Once all of the small charred pieces were inside Stupids stomache, the gastric juices partially disolved them, at which point they spontaneously recombined to reform a complete Bernard. Unfortunately the recombined Bernard was much larger than Stupid's stomache, which lead to a second explosion and another set of small, but this time uncharred pieces. Bernard, seeing his plan for insurance riches foiled, decided to ...

Track down Possibly Merlin who had mysteriously vanished from the story, and steal the Merlin's wand! With the power of the wand, Bernard would be able to fulfill his life's dream of. . .

....becoming a well know and well respected bellydancer. So away he went, off seeking Merlin, when out of no where came a....

...extremely rare hornless unicorn. Which was quickly run over by a bus of tourists. The tourists got out to examine the horse who was "not quite dead yet" due to deaths job at the bar. Bernard quickly jumped on the bus and shouted for the driver to...

... follow that gam of mauve weasels (which the none-icorn had been following). The bus took off with a roar, then sputtered and fell back to earth.

"Oops", said the driver, "forgot to fill up. Everyone out and push this bus to the nearest gas station."

Bernard, being in a hurry, declined and ran after the weasels on foot. Rounding a corner, however, he ran smack into ...