h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

When who should walk into the bar, but the sister of Jesus's mother, Christine. "Oh hi, Aunty Christ. Wait ... this must be a sign of my "big event" that I have been waiting for - the Aunty Christ has arrived". At which point, Merlin sighed and left the bar muttering "I can't stand any more of these stupid jokes". Stupid, hearing his name, trotted along behind. Coincidenally, at that very moment, the Dutch and Danish Royal families ran into each other in a shopping mall in Buffalo. The Danish royal family said "What are you doing here?. The Dutch Royal family said: "someone got us confused with you and we have been hanging around in this story ever since."
Merlin's disguised brother cackled to himself as he thought of the nasty trick he was about to play ...

Which, in the end, turned out not to be so funny after all. He was cornered by the Dutch and Danish royal families. "What are you doing here?" both shouted in unision. "You're still on the clock!"
"No I'm not! You're thinking about my brother, Possibly Merlin! I'm an Elvis impersonater wizard who turns people into kangaroos!"
The royal families decided to hire this wizard instead of finding Possibly Merlin. Besides, Merlin never did much to help them, anyway."

The two royal families and Not Merlin/Elvis walked around the mall. They stopped outside a bookshop. "Hey, the proprietor of this shops looks familiar. And she's . . . she's . . . going into labor!"

Possibly Arthur (now known as Bob) ran out screaming "Is there a doctor in the mall? Is there a docotor??? Lucy's about to have the mauve weasel!"

Hearing this the (gam?) of mauve weasels who were in hiding decided it was time for the last stages of there parents evil plans to come into fruition

Meanwhile, someone walked up to Bob and said "Well, yes, I'm a docotor. And a vet. I just happen to have all of the necessary tools with me, so show me to the client . . ."

At which point, Lucy fainted straight away.

Meanwhile Merlin, followed by the stupid dog, trying desperately to forget the stupid jokes and the meeting all together, for that matter, was sauntering (yes, sauntering -- Merlin was a bit of an arrogant bastige due to the possibility of his being -the- Merlin) down the street when he happened upon a blue (yes, blue, not red) phone booth. He realized he hadn't yet heard from PossiblyArthur-Bernard-Bob-or-Purple-wotshisname in some time (and that he'd been stood up, which wasn't something he enjoyed), so he slipped in to make a call. However, upon his entering, the doors suddenly bolted themselves shut and he found himself standing in a large room of an even larger something-or-other in front of a big round pedastal-type-thing covered in buttons, levers, screens and other technical-looking gadgets. A small mechanical dog (not stupid -- we think) began sniffing around his ankles just as a odd-looking man stepped through another door of some kind into the room.

"Uhm.. Who are you?" Merlin asked.

"Yes, and you are?" replied the odd-looking fella.

"I'm Merlin, possibly -the- Merlin, and I don't take kindly to being spoken to in such a manner! Now tell me who you are!"

"Yes, I am," replied the man.

At this point...

Merlin woke up. It had all been a dream (how much of the story was a dream, you decide for the next reply)He decided from then on never to take LSD and Viagra before going to bed after eating chinese food. He looked around and realized that he was in his old room at the Danish Royal Family's castle. However the Danish Royal Family had moved and 2 minutes later a demolition ball came smashing through his wall...

Meanwhile a quite confused h2g2 researcher sat staring on a computerscreen, wondering if anyone could sum up hte latest happenings. Because how come the wizard, Merlin II, alias Elvis, who had disappeared in a black hole for good, be around the Dutch and Danish Royal families? And when did Gringer the purple\Possibly Arthur\Bernad\Bob get to Lucy's bookshop?

The poor wizard decided to make everything easier: The bad wizard is now with the Royal families, while the real Merlin is trying to take his place and save them all. Lucy and Bob just got a baby half human and half mauve weasel, and they live nearby the bookshop. The weasels are planning their plot about making the Belgium population sing "Follow the Yellow Brick road!" and all that. The stupid dog and the mice just disappeared, and Death and Jesus kept sitting in the bar.
Now; Finally, Merlin was ready to let the story continue...

But then he opened his eyes and the strange-looking man was shaking his head... "Nope. Don't buy it," he said.

The strange looking man turned to look out of the computer screen and said to the researcher: "Merlin II *did* get lost in the black hole. The wizard with the Royal-families-that-start-with-D is Merlin's brother, a wizard and elvis-impersonator". He turned back to Merlin and said: "There, I hope that clears things up. Now, where were we?" Merlin says: "I was just going to ask you that." The stranger mutters "never mind" and starts fiddling with the dials and levers. Suddenly psycadellic swirls and colours swell up to fill their view and then, just as suddenly, dissipate. They step out of the door to find themselves ...

In an interrogation room in the bowels of a sewer. "Oh, dear, I remember this place from when the story made some sort of sense." The strange man said "I need something from this room."
"What?"
"At the beginning of the story, the mauve weasels worked for you, just as you worked for whichever royal family had currently had you under its employ. How did you control the mauve weasels?"

Merlin sighed, and said . . .

"Have you heard of the pied piper of Hamelin? Well it's like that but it doesn't involve Breakfast Sausage or Bob Evans or the Key of E in any shape or form. What it does entail is a bloody great piccolo. And the music to Loui Armstrongs' Sunny Side Of The Street"

Strange music began to float through the phone booth thingy. The stranger began tappign his feet to it's upbeat rythm... "It is a snappy little ditty, isn't it?" he said, to no one in particular.

Merlin, who by now was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to be anyone in particular, thought about his fortunately-lost brother. "Never had a lick o' sense, that one," he mumbled under his breath.

"Pardon?" said the stranger.

"Why don't you just pick a name, so we don't have to keep calling you the stranger? There are a lot of researchers out there who want to know these things!"

"Merlin, my good man, I've told you my name three times and still you do not know it," the stranger replied.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of nowhere, a lone green weasel is suddenly faced with a gam of purple cousins. "Hey!" he exclaims, "Where have you been?"

"We've been...

We've been smokings some really choice stuff, want some?
None for me, A true winner doesn't use drugs.
The purple weasels laughed and in that moment the universe became too weird for itself. For the past months it had gotten stranger and stranger, with wizards, sewers, livers, organs, more wizards, grapefruits for eyes, cherries for eyes, death, pestilence, dogs, mice, royal families, tourists, vomit, and the women who love them.

In that one moment the universe actually flipped out on itself and briefly disappeared out of existence. In that moment the universe that lies beneath ours was visible. It was filled with aging folk singers and stacks and stacks of fish.
But then our universe reappeared completely destroying the one below due to a mix up with Lockheed Martin over english vs. metric units.
Then the story continued completely unaffected and all the researchers wondered what the #*@% had just happened.

dead, remember? Death got rid of us in an attempt to make this story make sense, but you and your green brethren took our place for a while and wreaked almost as much havoc as we did. Then we mysteriously reappeared and resumed our rampaging as though we'd never left.'
'Oh,' said the green weasel.
'Now I will tell you the meaning of this story,' said the mauve weasel to his green cousin, 'It's really quite simple...'
Before he could finish, a Jeep pulled up, a man known only as Baker stepped out of the truck, and with one heavy steel-toed workboot, silenced the weasel before it could make its startling revelation of the plot. The mauve weasel's head rolled to a stop against the tire of the Jeep, and Baker said to the lifeless purple critter, 'Thought you could make this story make sense, eh?' He then got back in the Jeep and drove off, accidentally running over the green weasel as he left.

The rest of the gam, still blinking from the universal blackout and a bit confused, hurriedly climbed into the jeep and began producing sausage from it's contents.

With the utmost care, the gam of weasels packed the sausages into a large paper bag. This was a key element to their plan. If only the mysterious Baker knew . . . he wouldn't have cared whether or not the story had a point to it. The gam then decided there next move should be to Switzerland because. . .

it is known for its strict sausage secrecy laws. Meanwhile Merlin again woke up wondering whether he had been dreaming. But as he woke he had a sudden feeling that the weasels were planning something. He immediatley decided he didn't care and went to sleep. But his brother did care, and he reappeared through the page loads and into this dimension ready to stop the weasels. As he walked outside he saw the bodies of tons and tons of fish and aging folk singers. They apparently had also traveled through the page load after their universe was destroyed. But unfortunately they were charred beyond recognition.

Merlin awoke when he realized that his brother was back. He wasn't sure whether this was Merlin One who had vanished into the black hole in another section of the space/time continuum, or if it was his real brother, Elvis, the only one who could prove that he was not, in fact, the real Merlin.

As Merlin shook his head, he tried to figure out where this person who had suddenly reapeared would have gone. The weasels came to mind, so he cast a few quick spells to find out where they were. Switzerland. Ah, yes. That was a logical move. So, he decided to run there.

As he was running there, Bob/Possibly Arthur/Arthur/Mechanic who's name I can't remember/Gringle The Purple/Small Boy/Boy ran into him from the different direction.

Right before each one continued running after mentioning how odd it was to meet each other there, Merlin decided to change Bob's eyes into guavas, just for the fun of it.

As they parted there ways, Merlin couldn't help wondering where Bob was going in such a hurry. In a strange twist of fate, Bob . . .

changed his name to Merlin 3.2 just to confuse things.

Not that Melin cared about that.. he decided to change is own name into Crocodile Dundee. If it was anything he was fed up with, it was wannabe-wizards that even went so far that they adopted a wizardname.

Just about that time, Tallulah and the Hit man ran into each other in a shopping mall in Buffalo. After picking themselves up, they noticed a bunch of familiar looking people wearing crowns. Just as they realized who they were looking at, a blue telephone box appeared and out stepped another bunch of familiar looking people - Crocodile Dundee (formerly known as Merlin), Merlin 3.2 (who had run into the phone booth in confusion after changing his name), and a stranger. They all decided to go to the standard mediocre mall restaurant to catch up on each others news. Just as they were being seated in their own private room, the proprietor of the mall's new bookstore (a new branch of a large international book store chain, called "newspaper taxis" for some strange reason) walked in with the owner of the chain, a girl with unusual eyes. The glassy-eyed girl calmly looked around the room, as if calculating something and said: "In a few minutes, after the last guests arrive, I will tell you why I have called this meeting." Everyone stared in dismay, as they thought they had all met by coincidence. Patiently they waited for the other characters in this story to show up ...

Merlin 3.2 waited nervously as he saw Talulah, a gam of mauve, green, lavendar, and puce weasels walk in. Crocodile Dundee became confused as Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War all walked in. He also remembered that Stupid had been following him for several days now. As more and more characters began pouring in, including the hit-man who should have been dead, the police of some country I can't remember, two royal families, an h2g2 researcher, the dead bartender, and a few other characters he didn't even remember as being important, the meeting began.

Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds stood up and said, "Well, when this story started . . . so long ago, it was such a wonderful idea. Now, can anyone remember exactly how many mistakes have been made in the story?"

No one could, but the Dutch and Danish royal families looked at each other uneasily.

"These mistakes are the fault of careless h2g2 researchers who keep putting us in these impossible situations, which we then have to cope with. Now, . . . yes, I see a hand raised. You, the one with the dark cloak and scythe. Would you like to say something?"

Death stood up, cleared his throat, and . . .