h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

he then realized that it wasn't a light house at all but one of those horrible "dive" restaurants with the fake submarines and stupid tropical drinks. Rather then staying he ran off towards civilization. As for Lucy she soon discovered that it helps to be able to cook food when running a cafe. In other words she was out on her ^#@ in three minutes flat...

Fortunately for her, she still had a good amount of money left when she'd sold the cafè, and since she was not of that kind that easily gives up, she decided to start something that she really knew how to run, especially since her pregnant stomach just kept growing.
Then she got the idea to run a bookshop instead, and this actually went very well!

Meanwhile Merlin had decided to find his brother.

Now the dead Kangaroo had told him that his brother was disguised as a member of the Danish Royal Family and Merlin knew that if he simply waited long enough they would turn up in the story. So he decide to while away the time learning how to twist balloons into animal shapes. After mastering the snake and working his way up to the weiner dog, Merlin looked up to find a red telephone booth just opening and a familiar looking foot just stepping out. Of course it was ...

a character to add to the basic confusion of the story. Merlin, who had forgotten who it was in the booth and didn't care to go back through the forum posts to find out, waited to be introduced to . . .

the familiar-footed person. On viewing the rest of the person, Merlin realized he needed no introduction to this red phone booth rider, for it was Merlin himself! It seems that with all of Merlin's time travelling, he has inadvertently visited himself. No wonder the foot looked familiar.

Merlin greeted himself, to his other self's surprise, and suggested that they put thier heads together to come up with ...

a cunning plan to A)make the story have some kind of plot again and B)to convince PA that in fact he is the real arthur and not just a story that Disney made into a cartoon and made lots of money from the merchandise.
Anyway Merlin felt awkward talking to himself and looking at himself, he couldn't help but think that he was starting to look rather old now and must make himself look younger, but that would have to wait until PA is made to see the truth. This would not be easy they both said at the same time.
First of all we must find him and get him to listen. To do this they decided to hop into the red booth and set their time machine to find him. Now this doesn't sound a hard task but to two merlin'd with the same arrogance as each other ended up in disaster.
This is what went wrong.......

Because the booth only had the capacity for one person, and the time travelling phone booth didn't understand time travellers meeting themselves, they were both simultaneously dumped, winding up in different places and times. The phone booth, however, wound up in a galaxy not too extremely far away, and created a black hole which was demolished by a heroic space fleet who weren't going to get any more mentions in this story. As to the wherebouts of the phone booth, that remains for another researcher to tell about (unless this one gets bored waiting.)

One of the Merlins (Let's call them Merline One and Merlin Two. This is Merlin One) found himself on a spacefleet heading for a black hole (sorry). One of the captains walked up to him, and said . . .

"I've en expecting you," in a very strange voice. "Now, unfortunately we're about to get sucked into a black hole but before that happens, I'd like to tell you that you are actually Robin Hood, brought forward in time to protect your life..."

And with that, Merlin One Possibly Robin and the captain were sucked into the black hole and never mentioned in this story again.

Because of this, Merlin Two felt a great disturbance in the force! He was unaware of this, but he was actually a reincarnated Obi-Wan Kenobi! Merlin felt the disturbance in the force after he had been dumped in a park. Looking around, he recognized the park as the same one that the story had started in, when Possibly Arthur was still known as the little boy, he (or his counterpart) was still known as The Wizard, the Dutch Royal Family and Mauve Weasels hadn't even been introduced, and the story had some form of plot.

Merlin Two (let's just call him Merlin now, as the other one died) happenned to glance over to see a small boy who had been crying, kicking a familiar looking Wizard. Merlin flinched at the memory, and wondered why on Earth he had ever changed the boy's eyes into fruit.

At this very instant Lucy happened to be cleaning one of the shelves in her bookstore when a strage book appeared from nowhere, floating in air before her very kaleidoscopes. As she watched it in multi-coloured splendor (bet technicolour (not yawn) can't do -that- ), it floated down to the shelf, nudging the other books aside and squiggled into position on the shelf. Lucy read the spine: "The Never Beginning/ending No-plot Story of Mauve Weasles and Rubber Chickens" .. hrm... an interesting title, she thought, as she pulled the book from the shelf and began to read...

Meawhile, the new generation of Mauve Weasels had grown old enough to continue what the last generation had started. With shiny bright eyes, they all headed for Belgium, where they were going to start the whole thing: to make the population sing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" bacwards and in E-major while riding unicycles and juggling rubber chickens made of someones breakfast sausage..

it was at this point that a very bold researcher tried to make the story managable...He was never heard from again. Meanwhile Merlin who had appeared in the park found his time machine again, (not the one that formed the black hole, this is that time machine but from the past, oy I sound like a moron)He traveled back to present time and when he arrived PA reapeared into the story. He was looking for Jamie. He actually meant Lucy but all those page loads tend to screw up a guys mind.... (I AM AMAZED THAT NO ONE HAS JUST SAID "AND THEN THE WORLD BLEW UP: THE END"

"And then the world blew up, the end."

Lucy had just read the last line of the allegedly never ending book. It reminded her of recent events in her life, but the book got it so, so wrong. She didn't have kiwi eyes, Possibly Arthur didn't have the power to create super novas at a whim, and Merlin didn't work for the English Royal Family. "Wait a minute," Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds said. "Merlin is still on the clock for the Dutch Royal Family! Oh, well. That can't be important to the story."

Meanwhile, Merlin glanced over at a clock in the cafe that he and Possibly Arthur had entered to try and figure out exactly what they had been doing wrong, and how they should fix the plot.

"Oh, I have an idea . . ."
"Not now, Arthur! I just remembered that I still have a job!!! I need to find the Dutch Royal Family quickly! Meet me in Jamaica in three days!"
"How should I get to . . ."
"I don't know, but we always seem to run into each other eventually! Now hurry! It takes a while to swim there!"
So saying, Merlin ran outside the cafe, and tripped over Stupid The Dog. Hours later, Merlin awoke to find . . .

...that he was in a pub in Jamaica, with a large beer mug filled with whisky sitting on the bar in front of him, which gave him an idea on how to pass the time while waiting for Arthur Possiblybernardwhateverthehellhisnamewas to show up. Merlin downed the pint of liquor and promptly passed out for another few hours.

At this point Arthur realised that he prefered to be called Bob. He also realised he was tired of living but then in this prolonged state of enlightenment he realised that he was actually........well......already dead. So

he grabbed some breakfast sausages and cleared his throat...

...and began to recite the entire works of Shakespeare starting with the Comedy of Errors. (He later wondered how he came to know the entire works of Shakespeare but eventually just dismissed it as "one of those things")
After this fiasco was over someone in the pub who had been watching him closely for sometime and whose name was Quiteprobablyjesusthesonofgodoursaviourwhowasniceenoughtodieforallour
sinsforwhichnooneisonrecordforsayingthankyouforbutnevermindheybecause
beingomnicienthewouldknowthatanyway stood up and declared...

Well, I'll be damned (literally)! Dad was right: a roomfull of monkeys and typewriters *can* turn out some good stuff. I wish I hadn't bet my soul, though.

Then a deep resonant voice boomed out: "That's all right son, you can keep your soul. I think you learned your lesson: Never bet with an omniscent being. You should make up a parable about that."

Merlin called over the bartender and said: "Say, Death, does this guy come in often?"

"He's here all the time these days, says he's waiting for some big event that is about to happen."

"Well, give him another of whatever he is drinking. And while your at it, give another to Famine - he's looking pretty dry."
Merlin waited for Death to serve Possibly Jesus and then went over and sat on the barstool next to him. He said:
"You know, Possibly Jesus, there is something I have always wondered about ..."

"Maybe you could tell me why bananas are bend in one end?"
"No", said Possibly Jesus. "And frankly my dear, I don't care!"

Meanwhile Arthur was getting ready to swim to Jamaica. Then he stopped and thought :" why would I do what that old man is telling me?" And he decided to go see Lucy instead.

Meanwhile Merlin kept waiting.. and waiting..

... for the energizer bunny to stop going... and going... and going...