h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Oops, terribly sorry!" said Lucy, "Congealed giggles always do that to me."

As Merlin and Probably Arthur held their noses (and breath) and glared at her, she decided that it wasn't her fault and she didn't have to put up with their attitude, so she reached over and ripped the bra off Merlin, saying "You fool, red lace doesn't go with mauve and puce robes!"

Meanwhile, Arthur suddenly had a flashback from early childhood, and remembered sitting on his father's lap suggling up to a red lace bra and twining his tiny fingers through Tallulah's chest hair. "Can I have the bra, dear?" he asked Lucy. "It would really mean a lot to me, because the only memento of my father I have is these rotting fruit eyes and an aftertaste of burnt liver."

Lucy eyed him speculatively, then handed him the bra, saying...

"Get a hair cut, and get a real job. Its because of
people like you that the martian lander crashed and burned."

Arthur then realised that the smell was not coming from Lucy at all but from a figure standing behind them. "Who are you?" said Arthur. "Oh - he's my assistant Putrifus" said Merlin, "I told him to wait here until we returned". "Why does he smell like that?" said Arthur. "Most people here smell like that" said Merlin, "You'll have to get used to it". "Where is here?" said Arthur, feeling a little apprehensive. "This is our time Arthur, now let's go, we have business to do. There's a sword that I have superglued into a stone in the village - get that bottle of solvent from Putrifus and follow me".

Just as Arthur was reaching for the bottle of solvent, a red phone booth appeared, shots rang out and the bottle shattered. The phone booth disappeared with a barely audible "damn". The wizard frantically patted his pockets looking for another bottle of solvent and cursed when he came up empty-handed.

"Now we will have to go back to the 20th century to get another", he said.

He waved his arms and muttered and they were all transported to the future. As the orange smoke dissipated, they looked around, only to find ...

That the phone booth, this time green, had materialized before them. A tall man with wavy, long dark hair and an extremely long scarf with question marks all over it stepped out.

"Excuse me," he said, "but not only have I gotten myself all mixed up with my other regenerations, but also it seems I've lost my way (not to mention my key). Can you tell me when I am?

"We're not sure ourselves, having just arrived", said the boy.

"What's that smell?", said the stranger.

"Oh, excuse me.", said the girl, "time travel does that to me."

"No, no, not THAT smell. I mean THIS smell."

"Damn," said the wizard, "I accidentally brought Putrifus."

At that moment, a gam of mauve weasels was sighted paddling a raft across the river towards the group around the phone booth.

"AARRRGH", said the wizard, "those damn weasels haven't been eliminated in this alternate universe."

Just then the wind shifted and the weasels caught the scent of the travellers. The immediately turned the raft around and paddled furiously the other way.

"Hey", said the boy, "Putrifus is good weasel repellent."

"Or else Lucy is", said the stranger, under his breath.

While the group was preoccupied with the weasels, they hadn't noticed ...

. . . that the currently forgotten Stupid The Dog and The Three Blind Mice who had formed an uneasy alliance to conquer *all* universes, dimension, etc. with their pina colada making skills ran up behind them and began to force Merlin to change Possibly Arthur's eyes into *fresh* limes. They accomplished this by. . .

"ack" said the incredible shrinking cabbage. "I seem to not be the right shade of turquise blue to be accepted into the tunnel of the dumb rose petals."
"Yes, but arent we all just yellow angels that float over the garbage of sector five"
And suddenly there appeared Cloud from final fantasy seven.
"Hey guys have you seen my keys anywhere?"
To be Continued......

After Stupid and the Three Blind Mice decided to sing "Follow The Yellow Brick Road" backwards in G major, whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding unicycles made entirely out of Bob-Evans breakfast sausage.

...showing Merlin the by-law which forbids people having rancid fruit for eyes.

But having fresher eyes did not make Possibly Arthur any less confused, and eventually he decided he'd had enough of this convoluted (yet rather entertaining) non-plot so he moved (with Lucy) to West Auckland, got a job as a mechanic, said, "Hey, I can't really get away from it all with hundreds of kilobytes of story above me, why don't these people continue the story in a new conversation so that people don't have to load the whole thing just to see the latest post?" and then, in an attempt to escape his confusion about who he was and where the story was or wasn't going, he changed his name to Bernard - which caused...

And after someone finds a better place for chapter two than the 'ask h2g2' forums.

Lucy to fall into a deep depression...who wants to live in West Auckland with a mechanic called Bernard?

But that was sadly not to happen as the Researchers contributing to the story turned out to be too lazy to move the story elsewhere. Anyway, just after this stupid researcher here shut up. . .

To bring the forum back to its intended use. I have a question that has bothered me for a long time. I have made many attempts at research have failed so far in determining an answer.

Several years ago I was reading a short story and the author finished it by saying that the point of the story could be summed up if the reader knew the original meaning of the word "bikini". Obviously the swimsuit we all know and enjoy looking at, drew its name from the atoll in the Pacific that was the site of several atomic and hydrogen bomb tests. What I want to know is what the original Bikinians (Bikinites?) meant when they used that name for that pretty little atoll. Does anyone know? You would probably have to know something of the language spoken by these islanders, and I admit I have no idea what language that might be.

I can offer nothing but gratitude to anyone who can answer this question, but you will have plenty of that. Thanks in advance.

Um, excuse me, but. . .and, forgive me if this comes out rude in any way, but. . .aren't questions supposed to be posted on the main Ask H2G2 forum? Not existing ones? Or am I missing something? As to the language of the bikinites(?), I'm sorry, I don't know.

Okay.. I give in.. where is chapter two? Cos it doesn't seem to be happening here.. And I bet good money that that is what Lucy Intheskywithdiamonds said to Bernard the hero formerly known as Arthur about the dreadful situation they now find themselves in. And how odd that Bernard the hero formerly known as Arthur should become a mechanic.. just like Merlin is it THE Merlin? 's Good Twin .. he was a mechanic too.. What strange, nefarious going's on indeed...

"Until it becomes apparent where chapter two is, this forum may be in trouble," Formerly Known As Arthur said.

Alright then, how about I start a new conversation in the ask h2g2 forum entitled "Chapter two"

I've just stumbled across this Thread, and actually tried to read the story concocted here. It's obvious that far too much illegal herbage has been consumed by the authors, and that they should print their contributions to show to their therapist.

Damn if I won't buy this in paperback, though!

Yeah, we should start Chapter Two elsewhere, even though I am sorta fond to this place. It's just taking way, way, *way* too long to load this page nowadays.