h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

O.K. what about writing a story through the forums - I know someone's tried the 6th HHGTTG book but can't we be original and do our own stories?

This may sound like a party game for children - but why not?

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, but still heartily inconvenient to get to what with weekend traffic and stuff...

...sat a small boy with his head in his hands. He was sitting under a large oak tree in the park. All around were the sounds of happy children, dogs and other happy things, but he was crying...

... his muother had just commited suicide and his father had confessed that he actually wanted to be a woman and that from now on he wished to be called Tallulah. He sat huddled up and in much despair at what had become of his family when suddenly he had an idea that just might save his sanity, it was...

...to kill his father and consume his internal organs. In that way he would absorb what was left of his father's masculine essence and also achieve immortality. Immediately he set out to...

... find another plan, as that one was just too gross.

As he sat there pondering what he should do, a wizard in a gray gown (and nothing else) came and sat beside him. The wizard stroked his long, grey beard and peered intensely into nothingness. At last he said, "I have it! Here's what you need to do."

"Kill your father and consume his internal organs. In that way you will absorb what is left of his masculine essence and also achieve immortality" So the boy kicked the Wizard in the groin and proceeded to find help elsewhere. He left the park and ...

Fell into a sewage hole so he could follow the storyline.

Our hero found himself in the murky underworld beneath the city without as much a Zippo lighter to guide his way. However, after the rather disapointing realization that not much was happening he decided to find the closest manhole exit. But before he could make his way back to civilzation he was confronted by the entire Danish Royal family!

One of their bodyguards jumped on him from behind and before he knew it he was clobbered over the head and he blacked out....

.... He awoke with a sore head and woozily gazed about him. He was in a bare room, tied to a chair, the only other furniture in the room was an old brown table. Out of the window he could hear the sound of birds twittering in what looked like a large forest.

"Where am I?" he thought.

In a moment the grey old wizard entered the room, his beard now shorn and a scowl across his evil face.

"You ask for help and then don't listen!" the grisled old man cried. "I offer you my best advice and you just ignore me". The little boy didn't know what to say, confronted by some vileness so he...

..threw caution to the wind (which you do after such a bad start to the day) and opted for kicking the wizard in the nuts again. Unfortunately the Wizard being very smart and smug had learnt his lesson and no sooner was the boys foot raised he transformed his own testicles into iron weights. The boys foot impacted with a mighty clang as the iron balls banged together, the boy yelped and fell to the floor clutching his foot. The wizard stood there for a another minute before whispering...

"Its not a good idea to try and kick someone in the nuts when you're tied to a chair. Escape is tricky."
"Anyway, down to business, I am the great Widard Zomak, chief Courtier to the Danish King. We have discovered a dastardly plot to...

Force every person in Belgium to sing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" backwards and in E-major whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage. I'll try and explain why, but it really is terribly complicated...

"We know you're behind this plot young fella-me-lad" the batty old mage continued, "So tell me who you're working for, and I won't have to put these hot needles into your eyes."

From behind his back, the wizard pulled two long needles with glowing red tips. "Kicking me while tied up was a good trick young man, but my grinning face is the last thing you'll ever see." He approached cautiously, raising his hot pins to eye height.

"Wait!" The boy cried. "I've...

..got an announcement to make.

With that, he sat back, looked the Wizard in the eye and suddenly the Wizard stopped, a flicker of doubt creeping into his eyes. Before anything else was said, the boy's restraints burst asunder as his biceps suddenly took on gargantuan proportions. With a increasing rapidity his metamorphosis took place before the Wizard's astonished gaze. Suddenly his nose changed, a hat appeared on his head, he grew ten feet tall and a pair of rather tatty trousers appeared on his legs.
The Wizard realised he was confronted with a giant Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

"I haven't got a brain, roared the scarecrow, for that, Belgium will pay.....

Suddenly, a dozen mauve weasels burst out from the floorboards and started to dance the Bolero...

...whilst juggling rubber chickens and riding unicycles made entirely of Bob Evans Breakfast Sausage. "My," thought the boy/scarecrow, "this really _is_ terribly complicated." Then, shrugging his shoulders, he began to dance along.

...very badly. Suddenly, something irrational happened for no particular reason...

...causing him to shake his head in wonder. "What will they think of next?" he asked himself, and when he received no answer, decided that his life was not worth living any more. "Even I won't talk to me! This is just too much to bear." And with that, he twisted eleven of the mauve weasels together into a rope, slung it from an overhead beam, stood on the twelfth weasel, wrapped the rope around his neck, and....