h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Even then, you're taking a gamble.

If the brushes aren't too worn it *should* be ok, though.

Go on, I'll just wait over in this corner

Does anyone know if the Russian strags are ok these days? In older times they were really good - even if they had that odd flange down towards the suspensaltenator.

Not sure about the Russians. The whole process was invented in a Bohemian monastery.

The monks there still do it by hand, but that's another story.

But you do have to admire the way they get the harmonics perfectly attuned, once the thing is humming away nicely.

Indeed, the inventor of gregorian chanting did not live in vain, her influence is quite distinct!

But you need to listen for the echo on the reprise or you'll be stuck with reciprocal occilations in the brass section.

Tell me about it - when it clogs it makes a complete mess! I learned that the hard way.

The three main things to remember are lubrication, lubrication and lubrication

And the odd piece of duct tape

Duct tape is ok, as long as you put the chamomile wax on the speed gauge before the stanchion comes in sight.

I've been using goose grease for lubrication for years, but now I'm told I should use one of these new artificial oils they use in car engines. Now I know a swipe of Vaseline will do in an emergency, providing you don't get it on the coil, but I'm a bit dubious about using non-organic lubricants.

The trouble with goose grease is that you need Canada or Brent if you want the right viscosity at sub-zero. Pink-footed is OK, but Hawaiian is right out.

Remember: If you apply it with a single feather it is considered delicate, but if you use the whole bird it's just kinky

okay, you're correct. I kinked my goose. Will it still be edible?

Depends. How long ago was this? If you kinked the neck it should probably have been cooked almost immediately after

Ok, I'm in trouble now. Just as I was trying to coax it to life, the grind-shaft fell off and the baton holder went all bendy!

Sounds like you've inverted the thaum, you should have used rubber grip pliers, and kept the baton holder parallel to the orbit of the shaft, but of course you know that now.

Don't really know what to suggest, you could try fitting a walnut stock and seeing if that will allow you to engorge the gland, but I doubt it.

My grind-shaft didn’t fall off but its oscillating cycle did go out of sync, sorry to hear about your bendy Baton holder.

I heard that engorging the gland can end in a mess and could result in costly professional help

It’s best that you check all your bottom bearings are firm; attach a new grind- shaft using an inverted mole grip

Best of luck

Speaking of bottom bearings, do you lubricate them? I've got an age-old tin that - if my translation of the faded cyrllic lettering is right - says ”bott. bear. grease" on the label...