h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No NO and thrice no!

You are forgetting Howerd's law ~ in fact so have I.

I'm not sure the following quotation is correct (as a matter of fact I'm quite convinced of the opposite), but nevertheless:

The British Lord Palmerston is reported to have told Queen Victoria: “Only three people have ever really understood Howerd's Law: the Prince Consort, who is dead—a German professor, who has gone mad—and I, who have forgotten all about it."

To be on the safe side I recommend using a brass hammer - wrapped in a

Brass hammers don't work if you've got the ripple tab on, though. Be warned!

I can't remember when I last banged my gavel.

(Oh, and cold cream works wonders if you do)

Ouch. And a cucumber compress.

And how is he supposed to compress a cucumber with the flange off ?

30 seconds in the microwave after having had a wooden BBQ skewer inserted longitudinally through the cucumber usually works for me.

If you can press a duck surely you can do the same to a cucumber

Not if both come from Peru!

You didn't know that did you?

I'd be hard pressed to say I did...

Meanwhile, the flange's back on. Now all seems to be in order - test ride or is there something else that should be submitted to the rigors of maintenance first?

Check the lanolin level on the sprockets before the toast burns. Then, you're safe.

You mean you're safe after the toast burns

As long as I don't have to *read* Burns to the sprockets...

Why not? If you choose the right Burns they would get a lot of good laughs

No, I don't mean the tycoon from Springfield, USA

Burns knew a thing about it, there are allusions to his maintenance work in many of his poems. How many of us have not sat there with a twisted drop lock and thought "Oh would some power the Giftie gie us ?"

thank you all so much!
sometimes you just make my day!

Great, I do need some advice to fix the faulty hydraulics on my haggis.

The story goes that when George Burns was 99 he was approached by people from Caesar's Palace, Los Vegas, who offered to celebrate his 100th on stage.

The old man looked up on them and said: "I am George Burns. I only sign contracts for at least one year!"

Sadly Burns was not able to attend his own birthday and died a few weeks later.

Tell this to your sprockets, Santra, and they will laugh when they are old enough!

...so prior to beginning the burn, one lines up one's navigational sights of three stars...