h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"how awful!", sadi Jeremy, "perhaps i could stay and keep you company while we wait for the lady mice to get back?"

"Certainly!" said the rat, nudging a chair towards the mouse.
And so the two rodentiae fell to talking, discussing cheeses past and bygone lady rodents, puffing their cigars and sipping their port.

The Goddess of time could only watch in horror as the boring monotone droll of the chatting rodents stripped her af all her powers allowing time to move of its own accord (what can I say, I'm desperate) as the rodents happily chatted along they did not notice time speeding up, slowing and even doing back flips around them, as finally it was free to do its own thing.

And shortly, a whiff of perfume borne upon the wind singalled the return of the luscious lady mice.

The luscious lady mice were, as was rumoured, undeniably luscious. From their perfect whiskers to their soft, smooth fur to their perfect toes and heart-melting eyes, they represented all the best of mousey femininity as they entered the building, stood their parasols in the parasol stand and disappeared through the door to their bedrooms, shutting it very firmly behind them.

Upon the door, Jeremy noticed a sign.

"Please be patient while we have lunch."

"How long do you think this will take??" asked Jeremy to the rat.
"well they do tend to have a very large appetite" replied the rat "and if they start talking then they could be in there for a VERRRRRRYYY looonnnngggg time, i guess you could call it a bug in the program which someone should fix!!"

"yes", said Jeremy, "they certainly are taking their time!"

And so they waited and waited and waited.

Eventually, after Jeremy was beginning to wonder if he should go and find some lunch for himself, the door opened and a lucious lady mouse came out.

"Good afternoon," she said in a voice which was enough to make Jeremy's knees turn to water half-way through the first syllable, "how may we be of assistance today?"

Totally horrified, Jeremy looked down at the puddle at his feet and then up into the hypnotic eyes of the lady mouse.
"We... we... we...." Jeremy stammered, and blushed furiously.

The luscious lady mouse looked down at the puddle and sighed.

"Why do they always have to do that?" she asked theatrically before going back to the door. "Hey, cleaner! Another puddle-maker in the hall!"

Shortly afterwards, another mouse came along with a mop and cleaned up. When he'd gone, the lady mouse turned back to Jeremy.

"Now, how can we help you today?"

"Well, a cup of tea would be nice, for starters," Jeremy replied. "you see, I've been waiting for soooooo long, and I'm so addled with thirst, I seem to have forgotten exactly why I came here to begin with, though I know it was terribly important. Dehydration has that effect sometimes, you know."

"and something to eat would be nice," added the rat, "we've been sitting here for weeks, you know."

"I'm sure we can manage that," the luscious lady mouse said, fluttering her eyelashes alluringly. She turned gracefully towards the door. "Tina, dear, could you fetch some tea and cakes and cheese for our guests here?"

"She won't be a minute," the luscious lady mouse assured Jeremy and the rat after turning back to them. She twitched her nose distastefully. "You have been sitting here for weeks, haven't you? Perhaps you would care for a bath?"

"Hey, thats a manly rat smell! I got it cheap off of this rat I met in a pub!" said the rat indignantly

"Nonetheless," said the LLM, "Into the turkish bath with you!" and two LLMs dragged him away.
She turned to Jeremy and said, "I assume you've come to partake of your services."
"er... um..." he said.
"Perhaps you would like to see the 'menu'?" she suggested.
"oh, yes!" he said.

The menu was duly brought, and Jeremy perused it very carefully. There were a wide variety of services on offer, ranging from turkish baths to ten-course cheese banquets with champagne and a cinema. Jeremy just couldn't make up his mind what he wanted to do the most.