h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jeremy blinked, and twitched his nose in thought.

"Can you repeat that?" he asked. The cat sighed, then repeated the riddle. Jeremy twitched his nose again.

"Well? Are you going to answer me?" The cat asked. "Did I mention that if you decide not to answer yes or no, the consequences will be the same as if you answer incorrectly? No? Well they are. Much as I might disagree, the rules say you have two minutes to think up an answer. Starting now."

The riddle cat pulled the cover off a precision sports sundial and watched the two minutes start to pass.

Jeremy sat and drew pedigrees in the sand with his paw for the most part of two minutes. Finally, he scratched his head and looked up.
"I think it means," he began his gambit, "your grandma was a slut."

"and still is, for all I know," he added.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like more time to think this through?" inquired his holeyness.
Jeremy scratched behind his ear for a not-so-breif moment, then returned, "I stand behind my answer!"
"Funny, it looks as though you're standing behind the proverbial 8-ball."
"Wait, give me just one more minute!"
"Sorry, your time is up," quipped the well-ventilated creature.
"Are you sure?"
"We swiss are never wrong when it comes to time."
With that, the bushes began to quiver and out leapt...

a pair of thick, warm, red woolen socks. The socks were on feet of course. Four feet infact. Four feet of long grey acrylic tubing encasing a grasshopper.

"Kay, lets get this over with, I'm here to devour you. Fill this out in triplicate," said the grasshopper, whipping out a clipboard. "Hurry up, I got lots of devourings on my route today."

"Er," said the mouse, sliding the monster a large denomination banknote, "how about we forget this whole unpleasant business and you let me get on to the harem of luscious lady mice?"

"certainly not!", gasped the grasshopper."you canot buy off a member of the MEGTSTRC(Mouse-Eating Grasshoppers That Sever The Riddle Cat)!"

"Okay," said Jeremy, "maybe I can do this instead!"

And he ran off between the grasshopper's besocked feet. For a brief, wonderful moment he thought he was going to make it to the harem of lucious lady mice, but then a barely-visible hand made of sparkles picked him up by the tail, something Jeremy found very uncomfortable indeed. Thankfully, moments later he found himself gripped firmly around the middle by a pair of spectral fingers.

"I'm sorry," said a disembodied voice, "but that is not the way to go about breaking the rules."

"Let me show you how it's done," said the voice, and a spectral thumb squished the grasshopper. "Now run along to your harem, you scamp!"

After a pause to cast a fearful look at the riddle cat, Jeremy scampered off. The riddle cat looked at the invisible hand, and the remains of the grasshopper.

"I do wish that wasn't in the script," he said.

Jeremy walked on along the only path.

He rounded a bend and on his left was a signpost that said "this way to the harem of Luscious Lady Mice" in a soft, kind voice.

"heee heee heee" said Jeremy "glee be me"

"Come closer," whispered the signpost sweetly. "I want to show you the way."

Jeremy came closer. When he stood at the base of the sign, he looked up at it.

"Well?" he asked it, "which way?"

"Down!" said the signpost, cackling wickedly as the ground opened beneath the poor mouse, and he fell into the abyss below, sure he was going to die a horrible death when he hit the rapidly-approaching rock below...

He covered his eyes with his paws, took a deep breath, and waited for that inevitable burst of.....*thud*....something rubbery?

Slowly he peeked from between his paws, looked around and saw....
a world made of cheese????? And a cheese dog, looking quizically down at him.
"Back so soon, my friend?" the dog inquired. "That's a little unorthodox. What's going on here?"

"Did you know," continued the cheese dog, "that cheese instigates diarrhoea in the average mouse?"

Jeremy was decidedly grumpy at finding himself back where he'd started from, completely forgetting that just a moment before he'd resigned himself to being a much shorter and wider mousesplat in the universal scheme of things, or he'd NEVER have replied in the way he did.

"You're full of s**t", he barked at the dog.

"Well if that's your attitude," said the dog, "I'm not responsible for the consequences."

"What consequences?" Jeremy demanded.

"I don't know," the dog admitted, "it's not in my script. That line was supposed to terrify you into playing by the rules."

"What rules?"

There was an ominous and enigmatic silence. At length came the reply...

"The beer house rules".