h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have been driven to maddness. Its not that bad a place, actually. The people there were very odd, but I found them fun to be with. I recommend the diner on 6532653rd street. nice place.

You're lucky. Noone would drive me, so I had to drive myself. A friend of mine went off in a huff, but I couldn't find a huff. Nevertheless, now that I am here, I agree that it is an agreeable place. And talking to yourself has the advantage of never having to lose an argument. I am currently experimenting to see if it is wetter underwater if you're there when it rains. Hello, I must be going. My compliments to Groucho.

Hello Gary. Nice of you to join me in my madness! BwuAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know, I've never noticed this before, so since your underwater I'll ask you: Grass is greener on the other side. Is it greener under water? I'll have to test that one before you do.

Well, now you've got me wondering: Is it shorter to New York than it is by plane? And how many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a cork? And don't call me Gary. My name is Napoleon. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's not. Aw, shut up.

Okay, Mr. Napoleon No It's Not Yes It Is Not It's Not Aw Shut Up. Personally, I would have chosen a different name to use while in madness. That's just me, though.

A little to the left ... down, down ... no, up a bit ... over to the right... Ah, there, now just screw it in ... no, no, turn it the other way. Phew. Now that I have my head on crooked, I feel right at home here.

Napoleon? That's not your head. That's a flesh eating pirhanna.

All right!! I've always wanted to be a fish. "I'd like to be, under the sea, in an Octopusses garden, in the shade". Oh ya, la, la, la, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re, re

*SLAP*

Thanks, I needed that. I was having a horrible flashback with those re's.

No Problem. You might have to slap me in a second.

Do: Re: Me: Fa: So: La: Te: Do: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I Have Been Driven To Madness.

*SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP!!!*

You know, its not nearly as fun when you type it out. Well, you got a fish for christmas! What fun! You know, I had a dream where the letter's "r" and "e" just kept popping up. Do you think that I'm having a nightmare, or I'm just being taunted by my subconcious?

"You're cooking what? Oh, sure I could help. Yes, no problem, just unscrew it. Ok, if you wouldn't mind, just pop my old head back on. Thanks. Good luck with your fish head soup."

He said as he juggled the headless fish while singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" backwords in G major while riding a unicycle made entirely out of Bob-Evans brea. . .

*SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP!*

Sorry, wrong forum. Well, you should see how silly you look. I make sure that my fish have heads on them! HA!

Ah yes, my good man. You seem to be somewhat confused, which is not an uncommon occurrence here in madness. My head had been removed for its annual cleaning, when it was inadvertently replaced with a piranha head, which, by the way, had not been cleaned. Later, I donated that head to a soup pot that had wandered by, who, in return, replaced my original head. I feel much better now that my brain has been dusted. Now I will leave you while I ponder the question: between myself and I, I wonder who is the smarter.

Oh, that's easy. I am smarter. Sorry, I just couldn't resist. The aliens are controlling me with their mind belts. Oh, ah, oh, ah, oh, ah, . . . This chanting gets boring after a while.

I wouldn't mind a belt myself. But then this jacket I'm wearing has lots of belts and straps. It's enough to drive one to maddness. Wait a minute, I'm already in Madness. Guess I better check into the hotel. Here it is: the Rubber Room Ramada.

The Rubber Room Ramada? Personally, I prefer Holiday Inns. You know, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. They give discounts on veterans day. If you're a veteran.

Well, I should certainly get a discount then, since I have fought many a battle (please don't mention Waterloo). Anyways, I tried there, but they were fresh out of holidays (after I left, they switched their sign to read Holiday Out). Holidays seem to be hard to find these days, after the run of them we just had. Well, I must be going - I have a silver mine to dig this afternoon.

No, you have a silver "yours" to dig this evening. By the way, why shouldn't I mention "***WATERLOO!!!***"?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I ... *CRASH* ... asked ... *THUMP* ... you ... *BANG* ... not ... *SMASH* ... to ... *SNAP* ... mention ... *CRACKLE* ... that ... *POP* ... name.
Now you are going to drive me insane. Never mind - give me the keys, I'll drive myself.

Sorry old bean, no keys for you. Can't have you getting a scratch on the new paint.

We do however have this wonderful paper airplane that you can use to fly there in.
Doubles wonderfully as a hat too, but don't put it on until you land, could be messy otherwise.

Upon landing, you will be met by some delightful young men, in some clean white coats.

Oh, hello. Nice to see a new face. Lets face it, I see a new one each morning in the mirror, but that's another story that is a little hard to face. Yes, I'd love to take the plane, but now that I've calmed down maybe I'll just stay here with the hat. Madness is probably every bit as nice as insanity anyway, although I may be a bit biased, living here and all.