h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You know, it's always nice to have new company. However, we have three, and three is a crowd. Two is company. What we need is for someone else to come to Madness, so we can have two companies. Then again, we might have one crowd, and one lonely person, one being the loneliest number. Let's just invite all h2g2 to madness. Maybe we can drive them here in a huff . . .

Oooh oooh! Can I be IBM, they get to make all the fun stuff!
Nah, forget that, I just wanna IPO and make a fortune.

As far as driving everyone here in a huff, I'd love to, but mine's in the shop.

Okay, I've got it: Gary, give me the hat/airplane.

Sure, I'm an old hand at passing the hat. In fact, that's been my occupation since that dreadful W thing happened. Now, where did I put that hat. Um, do you mind waiting a bit - I seem to have misplaced it. Nothing here but this boat. And this Rhinocerous. And this snowstorm in my back pocket ...

are you still listening?

Listening? Of course we're listening! Like the voices ever shut up.

All the time yakity yakity yak. Can't you hear them?

Some people. Someone get this guy a hat. With an antenna.
Should help the aliens get through to him better.

No, not that hat. The hat that turns into an airplane when you turn it upside down. I'll go to h2g2 and tell Peta to send people to madness in a huff, as we seem to have run out of ours as of the moment.

Personally, I prefer being driven to Drink. Last time I went in a flood of tears and a sedan chair (zeugma) although I was hatless at the time (which is probably better than being bootless).

Drink is the next town over to the east, just south of distraction. It's not a bad town, but a bit sloppy. At least here you can meet famous people. Like my friend here, Jimi Hendrix, who is trying to teach me to play the tuba. He's grown a bit thin, so some people have trouble seeing him, but I have no problem.

Well, since we no longer need the hat, could Jimmi perhaps lend me some umbrellas? I don't seem to have enough left to feed the snarks.

So THAT'S where all my umbrella's went. Silly snarks.

By the way, there's an M. Poppins here, and she says if you don't have them give back her umbrella, she's going to stay here and sing about spoonfulls of salt and medicine and chimneys and grafitti and other such nonsense. PLEASE say you have one left. I don't care if it's one of those beach umbrella's, just give it to her.

*wanders off into a corner, dodging a pack of kites, and mumbles incoherently*

How about one of those little umbrellas in these pina colodas that just keep floating out of my ear?

It's a mistake to give Babel fish their own umbrellas. It gives them idears above their station.

Here snarky snarky snarky. Nice snarky. Good snarky.

*puts finger down throat of snark, retrieves umbrella*

Here, how's this. Bit soiled, but should do for M. Pippins or Poopins or whatever her name was.

Now that that problem is solved, I really must get back to my tuba practice. I've got the first part of Purple Haze down pat, but I'm having real trouble with the instrumental break in the middle. Singing along with myself is a little difficult too, but I'm getting the hang of it: "Scuze me while I kiss the sky" Oom pah Oom pah ...

Hey, we should form a band! We can call it "Madness Music" or something. I can play Alto Saxophone, Barri-saxophone, Contrabase saxaphone, sopranino saxophone, xylophone, umbrellaphone, snarkophone, accordion, piano, etc. Well, should we form a band?

BTW, M. Poppins, sorry about your umbrella. Sometimes Snark just gets a little out of hand . . .

Ah, but can you play the telephone? I've found it devilishly hard, but I can play the first part of Mary had a little lamb. I can also play the stock market and the fool. In fact, I'm very good at that last one. So, OK, I'll join the band, so long as noone stikes up at me.

Good, good. Two in the band. Anyone else?

Me, I'll join too. Don't hire that other guy that shares this body, though - he'll want to use the body all the time and won't let me play. I suppose you could hire us both and make sure the instruments we play are never heard at the same time. I can play French horn, horn pipe, Matterhorn, car horn and horn-of-plenty.

Okay, I'll hire both of you, and make sure that neither of you play at the same time. Oh, I forgot about the voices in my head. We'll make them the background singers. Can Napoleon play anything? Or the headless fish?

Napoleon says he'll play the cannon. The fish says he'll play centre field, but he'll need to get a larger mitt for the cannon balls. And by the way, I will only play if I get to go first.