h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*standing ovation*

*sits and says to other audience members* Bored? On Hootoo, where a minute of action can take months?

*s loudly*

Excellent!! More!

*applauds*

When's the next performance?!

(non-plussed by the puss)

Yeah, yeah. So the cat can play a fiddle. Those lyrics need a little work, though.

(B4 tries to pretend he didn't enjoy it, but winds up whistling the catchy little ditty despite himself.)

*appplauds*

More, more!

[Ripley]: Meep, meep!

*A pumpkin roles out on to the stage, stopping perilously close to the hole in the floor, and a barely audible muffled voice squalks*

There were gourds, gourds
with chickens inner-wards
in the stores, in the stores,
There were gourds, gourds
with chickens inner-wards
in the quartermaster's stores
BEHIND THE DOOR!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I have not brought my specs with me!

This must be close to the finale. What a great wrap!
I hope Humpty gets to be, um, whatever he wants to be, before this is over...

*walks onstage leading his horse and grins at the audience*
*the horse also grins*

There was sand, sand
In a dry an' desert land
'Dobe floors, cowboy wars,
There was sand, sand
In a dry an' desert land
Joolry of conquistadores
BEHIND THE DOOR!

My eyes are dim, I cannot see,
I have not brought my specs with me.
I have not brought my specs with me!

*sits on a stool backstage and looks around*

*Pansy rushes on stage. She appears to have hurridly applied her make up. There is plenty of green eyeshadow all round one eye and none at all on the other. Both cheeks have rouge on, but one is too high and one too low. Her lipstick is smeared all over her chin and teeth.
*She is wearing a pink and green candy striped dress which is buttoned down the front, although in her rush, Pansy hasn't quite got the whole thing fastened correctly. One stocking is red and one is fishnet. However she is still wearing the loafers.
*Despite looking a little green around the gills, Pansy joins in the song*


There were flowers, flowers,
Some as high as the Towers
In the stores, In the stores
There were flowers, flowers,
Some as high as the Towers
In the quartermaster's stores


There were lurkers, lurkers
But please don't call them shirkers
In the stores, in the stores
They just lurked, lurked
But never went berserk
In the quartermaster's stores


My eyes are dim I cannot see
I have not bought my specs with me
I have nooooot bought my-yi specs with meeeee.



But where's the Goose, Goose?
I won't have an excuse
In the stores, in the stores
Where's the Goose, Goose
I won't have an excuse
In the quartermaster’s stores.




Is there anyone who'd like to give me a goose?

*tears running down her face she is so much*

Bravo,Bravo!

*applauds wildly*

*still waiting in the wings, sotto voce:*

Has anyone seen Mary - or the for that matter? I was hoping for a duet, but -

*Elbows the stranger*


We're right here! Ready when you are.


<--lifts up the bottom of his costume to reveal tap shoes on all 4 feet.

*wanders onto the stage bearing a laptop, poking the keys angrily*

...log ON, you stupid, stupid thing, Log ON!!! I want to get on...

*notices where she is, stares stupidly at the audience, much as a deer caught in the headlights of a tractor trailor rig*

...um, oh, hi, I'm here. I'm actually here. Wow! Oh...um, can someone help me to my mark? Do I have a line? I've had so much trouble making it back I can't remember what to do. Little help...please?

Just over here, Thistle. That's your "X" there. *points*


*Looks at the stranger and decides to start herself*

There were bites, bites
by creatures of the nights
in the dark, in the dark

There were bites, bites
by creatures of the nights
in the tunnel in the dar-ar-ark

The light is dim
but I can see
If I use the powers
that nip brought me
The wonderful powers that nip brought me

*Smiles up at the Stranger*

<-- tap dances

*applauds*


Go Mary, Go Mary!

*joins in with his pleasant baritone*

It has teeth, teeth
Mary's full grown sheep
Too sharp, too sharp for a sheep

Did you see, see
Its obvious glee
at the threat of the things I will see

Next time the moon is full
Next time the moon is FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULL

We're a pair, pair
which others should beware
in the dark, in the dark

We're a pair, pair
which others should beware
With full moons and in the dar-ar-ark

Our teeth are sharp
as you can see
but on the whole
we're quite friend-il-ly.
To our friends we are quite friend-il-ly.

<-- grins toothily while tap dancing

*Still looking quite Pansy skips to the side of the stage, making it look like she is dancing to the music.*

*whispers off stage*
Psssst! Get the Stage Manager. When is the curtain coming down? I feel quite, er, overcome with emotion and I need to lie down in a dark room for a while.

*wings flapping, making him look even bigger than usual*

HONK! HONK!

*tries to locate his 'X'*