h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

**From the shadows of the Stage wings, echoes a melody that never quite faded out since the Cast took their bows. Purr has been so engrossed with holding the background theme that he has played this whole while, occasionally improvising upon the refrain just for variety. He sees the Virtual Orchestra is in place and ready to lead into the next phase of the production, so he steps discreetly from behind the curtains and makes his way down the steps at the edge of the stage, still sliding the bow across his violin's strings and evoking a mood of anticipation with its sweet and clear song. He finds his seat on the front row dexter side and, before sitting down, lets the melody gradually drop in volume until it seems a mere wisp of a tune, begging the listeners to call it back to full blossom. In one final smooth motion that resonates at the base of one's spine, he eases the bow gently to a halt, lifts it from the strings, and slowly tucks the instrument away. He issues a barely audible breath, almost imperceptibly bows, then turns the motion into that of seating himself.**

[Purr] It prromisses to be a verry grrand and emotional evening. Ai believe Ai will need a sshoulderr to crry on and the camrradarie of a Casst memberr who iss not afrraid to be ffree with ffeelings of elation and joy. Where is that little waif of a wolff?

**He cranes his neck to see above the gathering crowd.**

Thisstle Howl? Oh, Thisstle?!

*after aplauding Purr in Boots' musical contribution, Lil returns to her contemplative reverie, beatifically smiling at East Clintwood*

*looks at his watch*

*East Clintwood steps up to the microphone and taps it experimentally, then nods that he is ready to begin awarding the prizes*

*On the dais behind Mr. Clintwood is an array of gorgeous glittering prizes, all in the form of, or encased in, eggs of metal and glass*

Hrm. Good evening, audience and actors. This ceremony is on behalf of those hard-working stars of the stage who entertained us all for so many months. We hope these prizes come in time to be mentioned in their credits for the coming season. And the money will probably come in handy, too.

We'd like the actors to come up for their awards in any order they like, and reveal their true identities. I'll read these awards out in alphabetical order.


Buttercup the Pantomime Cow - The Hammerstein prize for best Musical Performance

Cinders - The Lao Tse Trophy for Best Resistance to Fate

Cookie Monster - Special Distinction for a Cameo Performance Quite Unlike His Ordinary Personality

The Extremely Wild Ride - the Freddy Kruger Prize for Scaring all the Other Characters

Farmers' Wife - The American Gothic Trophy for Menacing Pastoral Character

Henrietta 'Fowl' Deedes - The Kate Hepburn Plaque for Salesmanship

Humpty Dumpty - the Buster Keaton Award for Excellence in Slapstick

Little Miss Muffett and Gladys the Spider are awarded the Ken Dodd Flowerpot Prize for their ensemble performance.

To Mary and Her Full-Grown Sheep, the Three Stooges Prize for ensemble acting. Hm. There must be a mistake here. The other part of the prize is a year's supply of sirloin steak for the sheep.

Mysterious Stranger - The Alfred Hitchcock Memorial Statue for Mysterious Strangeness.

Pansy Ffing - The Mikado Charger and Plate for Best Traditional Performance in Pantomime Theatre

Miss Ffing is also the winner of the Fredericks of Hollywood Trophy for Costume.

Purr in Boots - the Dame Edna Everage Award for the most creative recovery from a costume slip

Robyn Bankes has already stolen her award, but I'll announce it here: The Lightfinger Trophy.

To the Seven Dwarves goes the Keystone Kops Award for Choreographed Acrobatics

Thistle Howl - The Shirley Temple Trophy Bust for Best Youth Angst. This includes a month at the prestigious Lobo Springs Spa.

The Three Blind Mice - The NRA Special Prize for Innovations in Firearm Display in a Live Performance

The Ugly Duckling - The Jane Austen Memorial Award for Character Development


Award jointly to Wee Awl and Eddy - the Esther Williams trophy for Synchronized Swimming

Another Joint Award is for the Ghosts of Webjellos for Excellence in Character Recycling


*East Clintwood steps back to allow the characters to come up to the stage and give their speeches*

*slips in quietly*

Bravo! Bravo! Speech! Speech!

Come up in any order? Well I'm not sure about that. I *must* be first! I have 2 to collect as well.

*Pansy rises magnificently from her seat and elegantly walks towards the stage, smiling and waving across the room at people as she does. However, she is unable to realise that the rising murmurs from the audience are not about her success and more to do with the fact that she has the "Reserved" sign stuck to her posterior.*

Why, thank you everyone! I can't deny the fact that you like me. Right now, you really like me!

*Tears begin to well up in Pansy's eyes when she sees the two awards that East has for her. Taking hold of them in a way that some people might describe as greedily, she turns to try and make her speech through the waterworks.*

*sniff* Oh! The Hollywood Trophy for Costume! I'm sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me.
I accept this award for for every nameless, faceless woman of costume that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I am so honoured and thank you for choosing me to be the vessel from which this blessing might flow. Thank you.

I want to thank Amy and Lil for everything. You're geniuses. This panto-making experience was magical for me because of you. You believed in me, you trusted me and you gently guided me to very scary places. Thank you.

I want to thank the Stage Manager. Thank you, thank you for never kicking me out and sending me somewhere else - thank you.

For the Best Traditional Performance in Pantomime Theatre award, I thank you. I know that my work in this case is magnified by the fact that the streets of panto land are too crowded with angels. We know their names.

Finally, I would not have been able to play this role had I not understood love with a tremendous magnitude. I'd like to say to all the cast, each and every one of you, that I don't feel very deserving of this in your presence. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


*Pansy finally finishes her speech and begins to return to her seat. Then, she remembers about revealing her true identity.*

Oh, by the way - do we get to guess the true identities, or would that take too long?

Great speech Coely - you were my favourite among the panto characters!

*suddenly seems to remember something and runs out of the theatre*

*climbs up on the stage with some difficulty yet majestically*

*muffled voice*

I'll wait with the speech until my fellow actor arrives - you might have noticed a certain difference in size between my current and my previous self

*a zipper is being unzipped in the belly of The Swan*

*happily waddles up the stairs leading to the stage*

*takes his place next to The Swan*

*bows*

*wriggles*

Meep!

*finally manages to free herself from the swan costume, still bent over double and squatting*

*straightens up, with a grimace and a groan*

*helps Ripley to get out of the duckling costume*

Right - eh - ahem...

Thank you Lil and Amy for doing a splendid work setting up the panto - and keeping it going!

Thanks to all our fellow actors who have showed a lot of patience and TLC (no, not the sandwich!) with this joint venture character!

And thank you all, both actors and audience, for a most entertaining time!

Here Ripley, you take the award... *hands it to Ripley and quickly gives East a before leaving the stage, with Ripley proudly leading the way, struggling with the award*

* for Pansy and coely*

* for The Swan, Ugly Duckling, Titania and Ripley*

*slightly rummages in her swag bag and lifts out an award shaped like outstretched fingers and steps up onto the stage*

Firstly I would to thank Lil and Amy for the most marvelous production, the most innovative and exciting pantomime I have ever had the honour ro participate in, thank you so much.

I would also like to thank my fellow cast memembers for their generosity in sharing the stage with me and admiration for their superlative performances.

Thank you too, to the audience, for their unswerving support and breaks.

Finally.......

*lifts her mask to reveal.......*



Caerwynn

Coely, you were Pansy?? Titania was the Ugly Duckling?? Caerwynn was Robyn Bankes??? I am amazed. I didn't guess at any of you.

Ahem - Ripley was the duckling, and I was the swan...

I didn't have a clue for any of you either. Fantastic!

I think I have an idea of who a couple of those yet to come might be, though.

*Charges in, now a pumpkin with chicken feet sticking out the bottom*

My award! The Buster Keaton Award! I am both amazed and honored! Thank you, thank you all. This has truly been an original, inventive and creative venture. Amy and Lil, hat's off to you!


*Lifts the pumpkin cap, and climbs out in a chicken costume.*

One moment, I'll be out of this in a jif...

*Peels off the chicken costume to reveal an egg costume*

First time that's ever happened I suppose, usually it's the chicken comes out of the egg...

Actually, the slapstick was easy, considering I have Zeppo in here with me...
/* cracks the shell, revealing... */

Tap Handle (and Hope God Zips)

Oooh, sorry...

d'Elaphant (and Zeppo his dog)

And the only one I guessed was B4

*steps up to the microphone holding a trophy that looks like a small pitchfork*

It's not easy to play an unlikeable character, and I am thrilled to have my small contribution recognised. I look forward to one day meeting these superb actors on stage again.

My special thanks to Ms Ffing for her splendid adlibbing when I taxed her with some unscripted unlikeableness! You have all been a lovely audience! Thank you! Thank you!

*pulls off the severe bun wig and glasses to reveal... Asteroid Lil*

*an adorable humanoid-critteresque wolf scrambles onto the stage and approaches the podium. Before she can speak she is set upon by three fat pug dogs; who, in a flurry of play fighting, tear away her laytex head and paws, then dash off into the wings with them. Mac is reveiled.*

Hey, careful with those, I'm gonna want to use them again! I've never looked so cute!

*with a mighty stretch and a very audible creek from all his joints he stands at his normal height. This rather short man in half again as tall as Thistle Howl, and her full length dress now reveils his nobby knees.*

Oh, man, I was warned against playing someome shorter than myself. It feels so good to stand up!
Anyway, thanks to you all, this was just wicked cool. I particularly thank everyone who rescued Thistle from the Lake (which is pretty much everyone) and everyone who helped her after her face plant in the wolfsbane. I do have to appologize, for while everyone else chose a traditional character I pick an action figure from children's literature, and I hope no one thinks I used her to steal scenes. I only meant to do that a couple of times.
Special thanks go to Amy and Lil for this opportunity for me to be really, really cute. I don't get to do that very often.

*stares into the audience*

I heard that, Carmel Bunny, shut up!

Anyway, I have lots of people to thank. So...thanks.