h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*carefully puts down the Ugly Duckling nd pats it on the head* Run along little feller, and watch out for cooks!

Mr. Dandy, you look like a fancy genleman who shouldn't be gittin' hisself dirty in tunnels. We had us a tunnel fer a while, but the prisoners complained about the tarantulas, so we had to fill er in. Which was a turrible shame, seein as how it let in a cool breeze during the day.

You know, I had me a good horse once called Dandy Dick...

*giggles, makes horsey noises at the Dandy*

*giggles and claps her hands*

I don't like to think ill of anyone, really I don't, but I must confess many guilty thoughts in this regards. Really, I thinkit would be nice if Thistle would kick in the Dandy's other shin.

*giggle*

I'm so bad.

*Almost swooning*

Oh! Billy! You're so strong and confident. Any woman would feel safe from the likes of him *indicates Dandy* in your care. Mind you, I wouldn't know if your own intentions were honourable. *Wiggles her eyebrows.*

<-- notice the wiggling eyebrows and tries to push in between Billy and Mary.

Emeril, these folks are laboring under a misapprehension. * s and s at Thistle Howl*

And let's not get all righteous and upstanding. All we have to do is review the video of this here Pantomine to see that I have behaved far better than the rest of you.

I have provided you with a fine repast, offered you a way to get out of this god forsaken place, and have set an example of grooming that far surpasses the need in the current situation. And I have not, I repeat not, laid a finger on any of you.

In return I have been kicked, dunked, hissed, booed and shot at!

But, since against your best interests, you choose to allign yourselves with the Kid, Emeril and I will wash our hands of you and let the chips fall where they will. Be warned, however. When you come huntin' us to pull your fat from the fire, the cost will be high. Very, very high. Bwaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa.

Hisssssssssss!

Why does he expect to be treated any differently? Didn't he read his character's name in the contract he keeps babbling on about?

Hisssss! Booooo!

Booooooo SSssssssssssssssssssss

Hisssssssssssssssss! *throws popcorn*

(B4 reaches into his battered leather satchel, rummages for a second, then pulls out a HUGE rubber snake and shakes it at the Dispicable Dandy)

HISSSSSS! Boo! HISSSSSS!


B4

Booooo! Sssssssss!

*accidentally hisses through his straw and receives a faceful of *

*the dwarves who have been dozing and wandering about aimlessly walk in to find an angry Dandy. They instantly think of a certain children's comic*

If it ain't ol' Desperate Dan from Cactusville!

*they crowd around him to try and touch his legendary 2D figure*

*inside chuckwagon pouring over maps and SAG contracts*

Well, what do you know? According to Clause 19, Paragraph 12c they have to pay me double for gettin' shot at! Emeril, we may be able to buy us some orange sauce for the duck. I just love orange sauce on duck!

Let's vamoose, pardner. According to this map the backup transporter is thataway. Hope the mangy lot like surprises. 'Cept the Kid. From the looks of that dust cloud the possee is closin' in. He ain't gonna live long enough to be surprised.

*the chuckwagon and Dan drive off toward the horizon*

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Booooooo

*rustling sounds from inside the jail*

1: It's in Braille.
2: I insisted.
3: Let me feel what it says.
1: Are we insured?
2: We got insurance AND disability bonus.
3: *reading braille* And a permit to carry concealed. Very good.
1: It's indispensable to the plot.
2: Indispensable if we're in the plot.
3: Give me that. *rustling paper*

*responding to Cinder's call, goes over to the jail window*

I can see something glittery too.....

*eyes light up*

Look, the are in there.

I am mightily glad that Dandy geezer has gone, creepy sort ot person.

*staying very close to the Kid*

*trying to peek into the jail between the Kid's boots*

*tries to squeeze past*

*shooing the Ugly Duckling back gently*

Now look here y'all, the lovely young Miz Howl pointed out that you has a riddle to answer. The answer is the password. You give the right password and my job here is done. You bet there's a nice shiny thing in there! But gettin to it, and goin on to the Garden, that all depends on what you all know about frilled dogwinkles.

Frilled dogwinkle?

Oh dear.

*screws up her face in concentration*


Sounds a bit like an embroidery stitch

**Purr in Boots finally feels dry and comfortable enough to once again approach Billy the Kid. He tips his cap and recites...**

Frrilled dogwinkles in thiss hot and dussty clime?
We're surre to neverr meet them.
Yet pulled frrom their sshell and ssauteed with thyme
There's no rrepasst that'll beat them!
Ai like them a lot, pleasse don't think it a crrime
If Ai ssit down at table and eat them...

**He glances at Billy, but winks at the Audience, and asks...**
Is that ansswerr enough to the rriddle, young Cowboy?