h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Come along, duckling. You're no uglier than any of the rest of them. How about a nice, juicy beefsteak? You can eat till you're stuffed. *truly evil grin*

Emeril, fix this duckling a steak.

Takes the chef aside. Did you remember to bring it?

Boo! Hiss!

Boooooo!

Boooooo! *throws a boiled sweet at the dandy*
Hissssssssssssss!

*comes back from behind the big rock, her dress showing the beginings of drying out, but it's really, really, really wrinkled. At least her hair bow is standing up again, mostly.*

Nobody better have peeked! If I find out anyone peeked you're gonna get it!

(B4 begins singing [loudly] En Vogue's tune, "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)", and dancing in the aisle. He's doing a bit of a mosh pit / head-banger kind of move that has his trenchcoat billowing out. He's snapping his fingers without synchopation and his voice is seriously off key, yet he's jamming like no one's watching.)

B4

Takes a silver tootpick out of his pocket and gingerly cleans his teeth.

Looks at B4. Is that man having a fit or is he tone deaf ?

Removes his solid gold pocket watch from his vest pocket. I think there's time to read these papers while my dinner is cooking.

Chuckles to himself at the prospect of what's to come.

Instead of booing, this crew will be boo hooing soon. Bwahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaa.

*the mice reappear at the door. they have a nine millimeter pistol*

1: Ready! *he pulls back the hammer*
2: Aim! *he positions the barrel in a general away kind of direction*
3: Fire! *he uses his cane to pull the trigger*

*There is an extremely loud crack! and then a Zinnnnng! as the bullet ricochets offf the Dandy's watch and lodges in one of the wooden beams*

All: A hit! A hit! A hit!
What? What? What?

*deafened, they stagger backward into the jail*

(B4 leans over to Lil)
You know, only the could pull off a cheesy cheap shot like that.

B4

Hooray!

*to Caerwyn* I think the mice are my favorites.

*removes her fingers from her ears following the gunshot*

They are brilliant aren't they? Definitely BAFTA nomination material

I'm sure Kevin Spacy will be snapping them up for the Old Vic.

Are you alright, Duckie? Don't let that unpleasant man scare you. You can always hide in my bag.

I seem to remember acquiring a rather nice bird bath, you could take refuge there.

*gives the Dandy geezer a hard stare*

Those mice seem to have the right idea.

What the heck was that?

Hey, being shot at isn't in my contract! Something like that would look awful on a resume. "Dan, why did you leave your last job? " "Well, sir, I was shot by a " "Excuse me, Dan, but when I stop laughin' I'm gonna throw this application of yours into the fire."

Emeril, where the are those mouse traps? The wildlife in this pantomine are getting out of hand. Walks toward the chuck wagon.

For God's sake, Emeril, you're feeding them my Double Gloucester!

*hoping that those bullets fired by the mice are not made of silver*

*looks down his nose at the despicable dandy, snorts*

*straightens the lapels of his dinner jacket*

*brushes a straw of grass of his silk-lined black velvet cape*

*twitches as the pistol goes off, and has the trigger guard undone and his .44 in his hand within seconds*

*looks all around and then, hearing the commotion, looks down at his feet*

Ha ha ha! See that? Even the mice are packin' guns in this place!

*spins his gun back to its holster but keeps his hand casually on the grip*

Now then, ain't this gettin' to be a grand company fer these parts! But I don't hear nothin' to suggest that any of youse gentlemen and ladies *tipping his hat* knows the right words to claim the proppity I'm here to guard.

Don't go gittin' ideas. Apart from mouseholes there ain't no way in here except through this door. The ground is hardpan and don't yield to diggin', as previous guests of this here jail will tell you. The roof is branches laid close over vigas and then 'dobied over. The walls is two courses of adobe brick with dirt fill in between. Them bars in the windows is set solid. The only way in is past me.

*keeps on smiling but narrows his eyes*

Oh my! What a man!

*Walks over to Billy.*


Why doncha come over an see me some time, big boy.



<-- Baaaaaaa!

*waddling over to Billy the Kid, taking the long way around to avoid the Dispecable Dandy and his cook*

*looking up, trying to look adorable, tilts head*

Quack?

*suddenly remembers that he's not adorable, just plain ugly*

*sighs*

*looks down*

Walks over to Billy. I've heard all about you Kid. I think Kid is the primary descriptor here. *Laughs disdanefully*

Your pictures on those wanted posters don't do you justice Kid. You're even uglier than I expected. You might want to rethink your approach and vamoose before the possee that was just a couple hours behind the chuck wagon gets here.

Don't worry about the Kid, folks. Before long the only property he'll be guarding will be long and narrow and six feet deep.

I on the other hand have a map in my possession that some of you may find interesting. And I set a damn fine table.

Waaaaal, ain't we got us a case for mortal terror here! Yer history's nearly as bad as yer manners, Mr. Dandy. They wasn't never no wanted posters of me. I got a letter in my pocket from Governor Lew Wallace, says I'm supposed to be here. They cain't arrest me when I'm already in a jail, can they! Ha ha!

A man shouldn't be let loose with a map when he don't know which way is up.

Scuse me ma'am. *not taking his eyes away from the dandy, Billy reaches down and picks up the Ugly Duckling with his free hand and holds it under his left arm. This gives him an opportunity to check whether the dandy is armed*

But I can't pay my respects when my hands is full. *palms the butt of his gun, smiling cheekily at the dandy*

Any farm boy could tell you this ain't no duck. It's too big. What is it? What are you, hey bird?