h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Let me try that again.

Careful, Kid, half the cast will be on you like a ton of bricks if you mess with Duckie, and even if you wanted to you couldn't shoot them all....er, half the cast would be about 6, wouldn't it?

*frowning, gnaws her lip*

You know... I think Duckie is safer with Billy the Kid than with that... that... person

I think there is more to Duckie than meets the eye.

*from inside the jail*

1: IT WORKS.
2: Stop shouting, I can hear you now my ears have stopped ringing.
3: Nine more rounds in this magazine.
2: Did you smell the macassar oil on that newcomer?
3: And lots of magazines in this box. *sound of scratching*
1: Now we just have to practise our aim.
3: Here they are, the ear plugs.
2: But how will we recognise the farmer's wife if we can't hear?
1: She wears Tabu, remember?

All:
She cut off our tails
And was deaf to our wails.

When we catch up to the Farmer's Wife
We'll be the last thing she sees in this life!

how tell me what you in the life?

Directs Emeril to ring the dinner bell.

Come and get it, my motley associates. The best food this side of the Pecos. (Notices Emeril frowning.) The best food on either side of the Pecos.

We've set up a nice big table in the shade. There's room for everyone.

Checks the fine print on his SAG contract....speak in dialect...

Over yonder, pards is the vittles. Planty of room for everone but the Kid. He'll be too busy guardin the jail to want vittles. Sides, shucks, I jest plain don't like the Kid.

I'm so dang pleased with the contents of this here packet full of maps and mine leases that Emeril has even fixed a feast for the . I'm not one to hold a grudge.

So, lets mosey on over there and whilst we're chowin' down we can discuss a little business proposal.

Excuse me, guys, but I was wondering if we could move on? I was kinda hoping we'd be in the Garden. This place is OK; it's pretty, though I'd like to know what they did with all the trees. But the only thing on me that is drying out quickly is my sinuses. And most of the locals are offensive, either to my subconscious or my conscious. So, Mr. Billy, what was that you were saying about a password to get in?

Don't eat that Dandy's food!!

Have a Quality Street instead!

Checks map again. Is there a Garden on this map? Checks SAG contract. No mention of manual labor, so whatever kind of Garden it is, there must be bots or something in place to tend it.

I don't see a Garden marked on this here paper, Thistle Critter or Howlin Thistle or whatever. But there is an x and the word transporter just about 500 feet that-a-way.

Eyes the Kid's location.

*looks back at the Dandy and pats the butt of his .44*

This here's a transporter all right.

*to Thistle Howl* I did talk about passwords, ma'am. But you want to be skinnin' out so soon? What about the rest of your company?

Well...the place does grow on you. It needs trees, but...can anyone else hear that? Someone's Howling, way far away. I don't know...it's not a wolf...
Gee, Momma taught me that, besides "No Howling In The House," you must never Howl around felines or live-stock. That's really rude.
Hmmm, whomever it is, he's lonely. And he can see the full moon. It won't be up here until it gets over that great, big rock.
Nah, this place isn't so bad, and not ALL of the company is terrible.

I really don't trust that Dandy man anymore than the Stranger.

*peeks through one of the jail windows*

There is something shiny in there.

I can hear the howling, too -- it's a coyote!

*munching * I do love this showdown stuff.

What happened to the ghosts? *nibbles a *

*at the mere mention of ghosts growls involuntarily. Mutters angrily to herself...*

Sit...stay! Darn it, how do you send you primeaval instincts to obediance training?!

There's always more than one way to a transporter. It says so in Clause 7, Paragraph 13a in my SAG contract.

Emeril, since none of these , er, folks seem inclined to make themselves useful, what say the two of us mosey on over to that big cactus behind the jail where the Kid caint see us. Let's see if we can find the tunnel marked on this ole map?

Eyes Thistle Howl. Either I've been in the sun too long or that li'l critter is gettin' purtier. I'd sure hate for a ghostie or sumthun' to get her.

*Thistle blushes despite herself, adults just don't say things like "purty" to her. She decides she had better check something in her own contract, she produces it from an inside sweater pocket.*

Let's see..."character shall refrain from contact with villainous individuals except to thwart their nefarious plans...character shall remain perpetually roughly 8 to 10 years of age, and in the 2nd or 3rd grade of school...character shall not go through puberty, nor shall she gain full lycanthropic powers unless notified by the publisher..." Hmmm, no, they haven't sent me a memo on that. "Character shall conduct herself in 'G' rated manner at all times..." Yeah that's the one that gets me in the most trouble. I bet they've already sent a harshly worded letter to my agent about this pantomime, though I really don't get why.

Go on Thistle, follow your heart! Woo-hoo!

*to Amy* I wonder what the other actors' contracts are like?

Those seem perfectly reasonable conditions for a children's book character. Dear me, we wouldn't want to go back to the bad old days when, for instance, the villain d-d-d-d-d-d, er, was k-k-k-k-k, um, was not in the last chapter.

*thescratches her head*

Dear me, I think only Disney does that these days.

*to the stage*

Don't let him flatter you, Thistle, he's baaaaaaaaad!