h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This pantomime has more plots than a graveyard . If Mary is the Farmer's Wife what is she doing with Mysterious Stranger? Wouldn't she be better off staying with her husband who probably likes sheep - even ones with sharp teeth.

Did someone say the porridge thickens? Porridge would be nice I think, for my headache, just dump it over my head. Oh, my head is THROBBING!

* Lifts his hands from his head to reveal that his head is literally throbbing, as if something is trying to push it's way out *

*wonders if Humpty's mother was a bird, a snake or a platypus*

Or a ! *moves to the doorway*

I had never given a minute's thought to Humpty's antecedents, until now.........

*hiding under the table, worried that the farmer's wife might be the same one that struck at him with the tongs, just because he got scared and fluttered into the milk-pan, and then the butter-cask, and then the meal-tub*

*checks the Back Passage to make sure that the escape route through the back door is clear*

*Looks at the Stranger, puzzled*

Evil? Evil? How can he be evil with fleece as white as snow? If he was evil, he would be a instead of a . Besides, I've known him all of his life and he has never done anything evil. Well, except for that time in third grade when Jack Horner stole my lunch and wouldn't give it back. But then, that wasn't really evil, just very uncomfortable to watch. Nobody ever messed with me again after that. Anyway, just never mind about little sheepy, you'll hardly know he is there. And who knows, he may find a nice little ewe of his own and settle down himself.

*Notices the woman looking at her*

Farmer's wife? Me? Oh no, ma'am. I'm not even married...*bats eyes at the Stranger*...yet.

*Gladys the dangles from the ceiling by a thread above Henrietta's head*

[Gladys]: Hmmm. Perhaps she's the Farmer's Wife. *points a leg towards Cinders* It's always the quiet ones in my experience.

*Henrietta looks up at the spider somewhat surprised* She's not the only one!

This is all very irregular. It definitely says here Farmer's Wife, Gingerbread Cottage, 12.30pm. Still you lot will have to do. *starts handing around green brochures, balancing one on Humpty's head*

* A small crack appears in Humpty's head, and the brochure slips through. The throbbing stops for a moment. *

Ah, thank you Miss Deeds. Whatever type bandage you put on my head has helped tremendously. By the way, if I could talk to you later about suing the builder of that ride I think I might have a case. My head feels like it is about to break open since I rode it, or hung beneath it. Most unsafe really, no safety features at all.

Oh no, Miss Deedes, I'm not the Farmer's Wife.

But if he is tall, dark, handsome and kind then I could be tempted.

*fingers the cleft in his prominent chin*

*twirls his moustache*

*sensing that not only is there something y with Mary's but also with Mary herself*

Je régrette, ma chérie - keep = deal is off, get rid of =

*tries to catch Cinders' attention*

Tut tut. It's terrible what this says. They can't get away with it. No.

* Turns and looks behind himself. *

**Purr in Boots, who had discreetly been sitting in the rocker, facing the hearth in an attempt to dry the last vestiges of the 'toidy debacle', stands and approaches the woman with the brochures.**

[Purr] Miss Deedes, may Ai pleasse perruse one of yeour brrochures? Ai am afrraid, though, that the lady yeou sseek--the Farrmer's Wife--has not made herr prresence known ssince ourr arrival...

I am definitely not the Farmer's Wife and have no intention of ever becoming one. Far too much like hard work.

*admires the ornaments*

*Shifts so that she is standing between the Stranger and Cinders.*

Well, maybe he could just visit on weekends and holidays?

It's all so romantic. A sort of remake of Gone With The Wind.

[Front]: Sorry, dear heart. It must be the tic tac plants. They always have that affect on me.

Oh! Miss Deeds! The pain in my head is getting quite bad again, could we maybe move my lawsuit forward a little more quickly? Really the rattling in my brain is getting severe, and you will never get away with it, not now that I have the evidence, you and your evil law firm will be stopped!

* Looks behind himself again. *