h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes in fact the beer engines developed an awful squeak, the gin is completely exhausted, the Ports a complete gonner and all that is left of the MacLurchers is a faint smell. In fact if you hold the bottle up to the light you can see marks on the bottom of the bottle that looks as if someone has been sticking his tongue down it.

*glares in Scrotum's direction*

*a guilty look crosses Scrotum's face*

It weren't me guv'nor



*Scrotum clutches his chest and falls to the floor - motionless*



Scrotum

*Bassers walks over and prods Scrotum with a shiny toe cap*

I say Scrotum, no laying down on the job....

SCROTUM - I said no laying....

Strewth I think he's dead!!! {shock Horror (not)} About bally time too, the old codger's been cluttering up the place for ages.

Hurrrruuuummmmpppphhhh

Best thing to do is to bury him in the flower bed by the front door with his a**e poking up out of the ground, I need somewhere to park my bike - don't yer know!!

Where's hog??



Bassers

Crikey.

Who'd have thought it? I'd 'ave said there was still a good thirty minutes of life in the old dog yet.

Goes to show.

Well chaps - look on the bright side, we might be able to get some young fillie to take his place, that would cheer things up around here. Something easy on the optic nerve as they say - eh what?



Bassman

Does anyone know the address of the notice board? I'll put up an advert.



Bassers

As long as that's all you put up, Bassers old bean....

(Can't believe I put that - back to the dodgy innuendo farm for me, methinks.)

hes dead?!?!?

oooh can *i* be barman? can i can i please?

A Chap running the bar? That's either a wheeze or enough to get you blackballed...

Come to think of it shouldn't have been much of a surprise that Unkers was first to volunteer...

Unkers volunteering to become one or the Riff Raff - whatever next?

Hurrruuuummmmpppphhhh

Maybe he got his membership under false pretences



Bassers

I still shudder from that time he came in in suspenders and all that Rocky Horror paraphernalia.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were working for some secret organisation on a mission of espionage, Unkkers old chap.
But I do know better because I myself work for...
Oh , nearly blew it that time!

Carefull Inkers old boy, you'll blow all our cover - mum's the word eh what.



I say - who's bally round is it?



Bassers

Ah well, go on then..suppose someone`s got to provide the wherewithall
to drink the old farts demise, What!!
*Staggers behind the Bar and emerges with a selection of s and a couple of bottles of McLurchers*

I`ve put these on my tab..I`ll settle up. er, sometime !

*blinding realisation*

Good lord - the bally Tab what !

Our tab has been in the family for decades, last time I looked it was bigger than Mexico's national debt.

I thought the tab had been floated on the stock exchange? Rated just behind Microsoft last time I checked...

They run tabs here? Jolly good, I was worried for a minute that someone might actually expect me to pay. Thats what I expect my sisters children to do.

Bally goodfornothings!

Yes they are. However I got them to sign a statement when they were six months old that they would take charge of all my outstanding expenditure. Jolly civil of them to agree, what, and their handprints do make jolly entertaining, yet legally binding, signatures.

nononono chaps! ill just run the old place and cream off all the bally profits, what? i wont actually do any menial malarkey. i have men for that, dontchaknow!

Munchkin....

Sounds like the sort of thing a complete bounder would do....



Bassers