h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

One quite clearly does not do (as you so crudely put it) marmite and I shall ask you to politely refrain from mentioning it in my presence again.
I did once run a shipment up the Congo, but the less said about that near excisemen the better.

Sorry gentlemen, looks like someone else had the brains to sort the MARMITE thing out before I did, this is the link to their page I've deleted mine - jolly bad show eh what?

A617285



Bassers

Who was braggin about what. What's marmite anyway. All intering ?s

MARMITE....

It's a spread made from yeast extract. Basically the remnants of the brewing process, and is absolutely yummy. Best served on toast. Most say hot toast, I prefer cold.



Bassman

See you learn something new everyday.

As my old mum used to say....



Bassman

Bassman, old chap, you are a man of distinguished taste.
I've casted my vote into the old ballot box and joined the legions of yeast extract lovers.

The stuff is ab-so-lutely unobtainable out in Siberia, dontcherknow.
I should know, I once lead a squadron from the Foreign Legion out on manoeuvres in the Forest of Dean and we somehow all ended up on a cargo boat after a night's illegal brewing out in the forests...

...I'm just trying to remember the rest...

Wasn't that the time old Hugo Squedgeley lost his leg in a man trap?



Bassman

Yes...

...or lost his teeth in a bear trap.
It's all rather hazy, what.

I believe it was that he lost his leg in a rabbit hole, wasn't it?

It is all a bit of a drunken blur, but didn't he get it trapped, and no matter how we pushed and pulled we couldn't budge the thing? And we didn't have any kind of tools or weapons with us so in the end we had to take it in turns chewing through it?

Or was that my stag night?

No, I rather think you've hit the nail on the old proverbial there old chap!
It was a rough time we had in Siberia, no two ways about it.

Of course, this was the same year I was admitted into the Kremlin with a fake ID and undermined the 'black portfolio'... but even MI5 don't know anything about that!

Ah yes - I remember seeing you there while I arm-wrestled Stalin...

*Wakes up abruptly*
That bounder Stalin is here? Looks like he didn't take the hint the first time. I'll whip him to within an inch of that moustache of his.

i say! you chaps are all still alive!

Well....almost!

Hate to tell you Pollers old boy, but that was none other than my good self standing in for the dictator while he had a rather tiresome attack of gout.



Bassers

Unkkers!
YOU're alive!

Care to join us in a shameless bout of very truthful boasting?

Bassman, I do not believe you stood in for Stalin during his gout, as it was I who personally arranged "Stalin"'s entire existence as a giant publicity stunt.

In that case, who did I thrash so soundly in '49 while the Red Army Entertainment Corp enacted Peter Pan?

A mere actor.

Hey - I used to know Peter Pan!

He used to be my bombadier in II, dontcha know. All that flying experience of his came in very handy. Though having that bally St Bernard on the plane was a bit much...

'Course wouldn't have Tinkerbell on the plane at all. No room for fairies in the RAF...