h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tights?!?

Whatever happened to your issue long-johns, with the button flap at the back?

You'll get put on a charge if you've misappropriated them old bean.



Bassers

`Fraid I`ve got to hold me hand up to that one, Bassers old chap!
Not seen `em since the last Old Boys reunion That`s not all I came away without either..I seem to recall. Lost a side-arm as well...probably that button down flap business... it`s all a blur, now.

Well.... best make sure the S.W.O. doesn't get to hear about it - guts for garters etc....

I say - I think I might be able to help you out with your memory loss. It isn't pretty though.

Remember that high spirited chap, wossisname, you know, errr - Rusty Shufflebotham, that's the chap. Remember how he blew his brains out playing Russian roulette - silly sod had 5 live chambers and one empty one from what I heard. Ruined a set of Scrotums best lace tableclorths.

Point is, remember how the plods thought it might have been murder, coz it wasn't his gun....



Bassers

Edges away from Lurcher.

Ye Gods...you`re not suggesting...could it be...? No, I`d `ave remembered something...surely!
Never did warm to the bloke though.

Look Bassers, best we say nothing more Eh?? Just sort of let things lie..what? I mean ,we dont KNOW, do we? No point rakin` over old coals, what!

*Slumps in his chair, in a cold sweat*

I wasn't suggesting anything old boy - you remember, his were the only prints on the revolver. The bally thing had it's serial number filed orff is all I'm saying.

I can see why you didn't like him though, dashed good looks, sports car, silvery tongue and a way with the wimmin....



Bassers

Deserved all he got then, no sympathy at all. Whoever did whatever I/they did, deserves a medal, doncher think, Bassers old chap ?

Absolutely!



Bassers

Well I think it's time we had the annual Chaps Club Braggart of the Year competition

You might recall that it was won last year by myself for my account of climbing Mt Everest equipped with only surplus toothpicks from the officers mess and fortified with a case of Port for the higher altitudes. A particularly thrilling rendition I think you'll all agree and completely true of course .

Who'd like to start us orf ? Who will have the biggest whopper to tell this year, hmmm ?

Splendid

I don't know about whoppers and fibs old bean, but I do recall a particularly truthful tale of my own exploits at the Somme, where I led an effort to dig a tunnel into the enemy lines.
Got a bit carried away and ended up in Wallony, what. We stormed a silo that had been converted into offices for the Fritz, and came away with five officially protected documents, a sackful of munitions and three jelly beans.

The boys at intelligence had a field day, and I was awarded the St George medal for Amazing Intuition and Courage.

Braggart? Who are you calling a braggart? I remember the days in the colonies where one was allowed to whip a man to within an inch of his life, and a women to within six, for suggesting such a thing. It was when I was working for the FO in an undercover capacity out of Kingston, Jamaica dontcherknow, and had just foiled a German plot to fly supplies to the heart of the island by dirigible. My what fun I had, disabling that airship and then gracefully swan diving from it into the Caribean as it plunged three hundred feet in flames. Never did get the soot out of me uniform after that. Got a right ticking off from Her Majesty when I received my medal.

Hmmm. Puts me in mind of my days in Stalag Luft IV. I'd been shot down by the Hun while on secret manoeuvres with the squadron's special operations division (okay, so in fact we'd run out of McLurchers and they'd sent me up to the Highlands for replenishments. Unfortunately had had a wee dram too many and next thing I new I was under heavy anti-aircraft fire. Still didn't quite realise what was going on - compass must have been upside down or something - and thought it was the bally Scots being a trifle over-zealous with the rationing. After I'd been shot down it was still two days before I stopped calling my captors 'Jock'.)

Anyway, there I was in a bally POW camp, twiddling my fingers like the rest of the boys, 'til I decided that what the camp needed was an escape committee. Soon I had become known as 'Large Y'. We'd heard of the success of Tom, Dick and Harry in Stalag Luft III but due to my claustrophobia (unfortunate incident in my early days when I'd been accidentally locked in a tall-boy for four days with only a large bar of chocolate and a pair of half-witted servants for nourishment) I decided that tunnelling was not for us.

This is when I had my first stroke of genius. We all know that the best escape plans involved masterstrokes of originality - such as the famous use of the vaulting horse, or stuffing uniforms and pretending they were real soldiers on parade - so it was at this point that I came up with my plan. Instead of building tunnels under the ground, which the goons were always on the lookout for, we would fool them completely and build over their heads. So that day we started our first monorail, which we christened George.

The monorail progressed well. Initially we built straight up out the top of the water tower, and then started heading for the trees. George went so well that we started two further monorails, which we christened Zippy and Bungle. Zippy actually went straight over the top of one of the guard's towers. We knew that if just one German guard had looked up then our plans would be in tatters, but luck was on our side. It was also fortunate that the guard's helmets had such large brims.

After eight months building we were ready to go. And then disaster - Bungle was discovered! One of the guards got drenched as we were attempting to turn it into a water slide, and after four hours searching they finally discovered the scaffolding.

Time was obviously of the essence now, and I decided that night was to be the night. Our plan was to evacuate the whole camp - 469 POWs of 12 nationalities.

The night was perfect. On George we'd managed to set up a small carriage which we had doing circuits of the camp. It could take 10 men at a time. We'd turned Zippy into a death-slide, which of course was only one man at a time, but was a lot quicker.

276 men escaped before we were discovered. Unfortunately Ginger made the most elementary error when using the death slide, the one thing that we'd been drilling the men not to do every since we started. He got onto Zippy at the water tower, jumped off, and then shouted 'Weeeeeeeeee' all the way down. Of course that was the end of the show, and we were discovered immediately.

Still, it was not a bad night's work. I still kick Ginger every time I see him though.

Any thoughts I might have had about competing........
Enjoyin` these tales too much to start churnin over the old grey matter, what !!
Keep `em coming chaps!!!!

'Scuse me Sirs, which one of you do these belong to?

*produces regulation long johns from behind the bar*

There seems to be somefing 'eavy and metallic wrapped in them....



Scrotum

i once ate an entire elephant in one sitting

Scrotum....over here with them, sharpish !!

Now look, you`ve seen nothing, heard nothing...got it?

If asked, you know NOTHING about any long-johns, you wouldn`t know `em if you saw `em.
Play this right, and there`ll be a, er.. little something for you.
Ok, ?
Now..forget all about it, there`s a good chap!!

I say Pollers, what do you think Scrotum and Lurcher are up to? Lurcher is actually talking to him in hushed tones for once - that can't be right. I can't make out what they're saying....



Hey Lurcher old chap - don't tell me you've had enough of chastising the servants....





Bassers

The poor man has feelings too, Bassers old chap, just thought I`d see if anything was bothering him. After all , he is getting on a bit, slowin` up, as you may `ve noticed.
Fact is, I`ve given`im the rest of the day off, after he`s done a little, er, disposal job for me, up by the new bridge foundation work.
Nothing important, you understand,
Now you were saying, Unkers, about that elephant........

Marmite anyone?

You either Do or you Don't.

Add your voice to the Great MARMITE Debate at A726482



Bassers