h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'll drink to that!

*Looks at his empty bottle of McLurchers, sighs, reaches into potted palm and retrieves a fresh bottle*

Well, in that case,let`s have another!!

Huzzah!

*Gnaws quietly on the potted palm* Used to do this in the jungle to stave off hunger dontcherknow. And if my bally sandwiches don't turn up I may have to eat the whole bally thing. Or worse go looking for the kitchens.

ill have a tipple old boy

Old "Marbles" Chudley used to do that as well, chew on the fruits of nature when out on manoeuvres.

As I recall we found him almost dead one day lying with his head under some extremely rare frunelia or somesuch. They airlifted the plant out before they bothered with poor Chudley.

*snores loudly from armchair*

Some people have no respect for Botany. A good understanding of which plants are edible in the more far flung corners is essential if you are going to survive out there.

But what if we intend just to stay in the Club, old boy?

Well said, old chap!
Unless I`m in danger of being flung out to some remote outpost, I`m happy to restrict my botanical intake to the odd lettuce and cucumber sandwich.
Alway supposin` we ever get any that is......

*Hog the gardener and part-time handyman enters the lounge with a large amount of pipes, plastic tubing and connections together with an enormous old toolbox jammed full with various old tools and bit o' stuff*

*he goes to Redders chair and starts to rip up floor boards shove pipes in, solders, connects and fits tubes to the chair. After setting a new club record for the number of tea breaks in a single hour and after several trips to the bar he dusts off his hands, packs up and leaves muttering under his breath in his usual surly manner*

Ahhhh Splendid job Hog if a trifle noisy and smelly. We'll forgoe todays beating as a reward. Top show !

Now then Chaps I've decided to upgrade the old family chair and bring it biting and squealing into the 19th century whether it likes it or not. Some of you traditionalists may not hold with this but the old Gel is now plumbed directly into the bar and I can satisfy myself without the bother of waiting on bally Scrotum or one of you types getting up orf your jacksy's to get me a BALLY DRINK !

*raises glass to Gin optic mounted on chair wing and takes a large double and tops up with tonic from the soft drink dispenser clipped to the chair arm. Fondles lovingly the Lurcher Bowel Clencher beer pump mounted on the other chair arm*

Super, what !

ooops that last posting was supposed to be from me if you hadn't already cottoned on ... bally system what !

Just give a stiff drink if you would please. And maybe a cube or two.

Damned fine inovation, Redders, old chap!! That`ll have Scrotum pondering `is future, what!!
And while you`re fondling that pump handle, I do `appen to have an empty pint pot here, ahem, if you`d be so kind. to give it a few gentle pulls, what,what!!

Delighted to Lurchers old bean ! I don't know why I didn't think of this before, what !

Could I trouble you to top up my decanter while you're at it?

Don't know if Scrotum will think he's out of a job - what about poor old Jimmy Saville?

Gaffaaawwww Gaffaaawwww Gaffaaawwww



Bassers

*Hands out some forearm sized cigars*
Just found these lying around...`as it `appens!!

He had terrible dress sense that one, what. Any chance for a top up from that chair? I think I'm going to go seek out these bally kitchens, what.